And then she was like, "Why don't you go f*ck your ipad?" And I was like, "Wait, what did you say? ...RUTH, YOU'RE A GENIUS!"

Howdy, fellas. Are you bored of being able to search through more hot, bare vaginas than you even knew existed, watch them get slammed, stuffed, and be-dildoed by all manner of penis, animal, and vegetable, and then having to pleasure yourself to it using your boring old hand? What am I, an australopithecus? Do I live in a cave? Am I jerking off to a skeleton of Lucy? No, what you need, modern homo sapien, is a Fleshlipad. It’s an attachment that takes your Fleshlight, a disembodied vagina made of latex stuffed inside a flashlight casing (put it in the freezer for the full Dahmer effect!), and allows you to attach it to your iPad while it displays images of hot babes. Imagination is for suckers! If only your dear old grandad had had one of these in Turkish prison!

I’m already drawing up the papers for my new charity, where I drop porn-filled Fleshlipads over third world countries to combat overpopulation. Although those would probably just lead to the formation of elaborate cargo cults.

If the epitaph of the universe was written today, it would read “Big Bang, Space Travel, F*ckable iPad.” (uncensored, NSFW-ish pictures below)


—

It’s weird that the name “Fleshlight” stuck. It’s not even that great a pun. I would’ve called it a “f*cktorch.” Gives it a nice continental flair.

[TVMiller, FleslightYet]

BONUS: Ever wanted to throat-f*ck Nic Cage?