"What's the deal with people always going like this to you?"
Last week, I told you about Dane Cook’s allegedly disastrous drop-in set at The Laugh Factory (a story the AV Club broke), in which he discussed how he’d “chainsaw f*cked a disgusting whore’s c*nt,” and was derided for his “misogynistic, cruel, and arrogant” set by a number of fellow comedians, notably TJ Miller. I rarely trust other people’s accounts of comedy, or of disgusting whores’ c*nts, but with three or four other comics saying essentially the same thing, it seemed credible. And yeah, comics can be jealous and bitchy, but they’re also reliant on one another for shows and don’t usually talk about other comics bombing during drop-ins, at least not publicly.
Well now Dane Cook has issued his response (via LaughSpin), which you can read below. SPOILER ALERT: It’s not that funny, but probably not deserving of hatred, and everyone’s going to hate it.
“I’m back in the stand up octagon after a year off. I’m deeply inspired by various artists I admire. Certainly my friend and one of the great ones Patrice O’Neal passing away has fortified my belief that we, as comedians, all need to share and explore our souls up there — and sometimes our perspective on the whimsical minutia — in order to grow as artists and people.”
“I’ve always felt that comedians can’t be critics. They can be critical onstage, but it’s impossible to be both an artist and a critic.”
“That said, I’m thinking T.J. Miller, the A.V. Club and I go on a road trip this weekend. I know a terrific spa in Ojai. Hydrating facials, doubles tennis and a killer 50-minute Expectant Mother’s Massage. My treat. Since I’m really quite rich.” [LaughSpin]
Comedians can’t be critics?!? COMEDIANS CAN’T BE CRITICS?!? (*starts editing resume*) How DARE you, Dane Cook. I REFUSE TO BE PUT IN A BOX! I stood by while you mixed power tools and vaginas, but I’ll be DAMNED if you keep me from mixing insightful analysis with my observations about airline food and why hurricanes don’t never be named after sistas. Ugh, I can understand why you feel that way though. The way you feel about comedians vs critics is probably similar to the way I feel about people whose comedy I enjoy vs. people who talk about about needing to share their souls.
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“Hey you guys its OK if I suck since I have all this money” -Dane Cook
Apparently soul exploration allows people to be misogynistic and frankly, just not funny. I know, as some guy who tried once to be creative that I can’t really criticize, but don’t worry, I feel like this comment is coming from deep down in my soul.
Dane Cook is not a critic and he’s a piss poor comedian, what else does he do?
Hey Dane Cook.
Fuck you.
In Dane Cook’s defense, it probably would have been pretty funny if Louis C.K. did his version of the same material.
I’m sure Louis C.K. already did.
At least he didn’t defend some other celebirty’s crappy performance as a thinly-veiled defense of own performance.
Celebrity. And his own.
WHATEVER, YOU CAN’T CRITICIZE ME.
While normally I despise hacks who say “if I am a hack, why am I so rich and famous?”, the way he worded it is so “haters gonna hate” I got a chuckle from it.
So, to be clear and maintain my internet cred, I also hate Dane Cook.
Except I don’t really. I don’t think he’s especially funny, but I don’t know him. Obviously. Some people say he’s the nicest guy in the world, but if he regularly chainsaw fucks, et cetera, awesome can he be?
All of that said, his response to the terrifically overrated TJ Miller is genuinely spectacular and all of my internet brethren would be falling all over each other if Louis CK had said this.
Of course, since he probably did say it at some point, let’s assume they did.
A dick step about Dane Cook stealing from Louis C.K.
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHM
whimsical minutia?
And with that Dane Cook has managed to use all of the grace points he racked up with the Louie appearance in less than a year.
Although to be fair, the Expectant Mother’s Massage is absolutely to die for.
People need to start respecting this man. Have you seen Employee of the month? You haven’t? Then shut the fuck up. Call me when you’ve done an unappreciated classic with Jessica simpson, that guy from Punk’d (not Ashton), and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. I didn’t even mention Andy Dick. Go chainsaw your mothers you soulless, humorless cunts.
I shared my soles with a comedian once and now I have athlete’s foot.
You would think anything with the word “athlete” in it would stay away from comedians. I mean, have you seen Todd Barry?
You refuse to enter a box, but you’re willing stand and watch while Dane Cook saws them up?
“Whimsical minutia” is what disgusting whores call the thing Dane Cook uses to chainsaw-f*ck their c*nts.
He should save that we all need to share and explore our souls for when he wakes up naked at the playground. I say this with the confidence of someone who communicates through the medium of public nudity.
i used to be on the hate dane cook bandwagon, but honestly, whatever you might think of his comedy, the dude made himself successful through self-promotion, it was never really handed to him. he was just on the the ice house chronicles 12 podcast with joe rogan where this is discussed, getting bumped in comedy venues always happens, and the place they did it is known for comedians trying out new material that bombs. dude on the podcast even said he’s never seen chris rock kill at a club, but the stuff he does gets refined and then you get his specials, which are funny as hell.
Expectant Mother’s Massage is code for hitting every stair on the way down.
So, he named-dropped a recently deceased comedian that people actually liked, just to get people to feel bad about slamming him? Dane Cook is the karate of comedians.
Dane Cook is the Dane Cook of comedy.
That’s kinda how I feel every time a band starts playing a Pantera riff and says “this one is for Dimebag!” Fuck you Seether! I’m only here to pick up on high school chicks!
Actually, he came up with Patrice, along with Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, etc. They were personal friends, as I understand it. They were all Boston comics around the same time, overlapping with Joe Rogan and Norton.
Weed-eating a whore’s cunt can make it less disgusting.
For fuck’s sake Dane, you stole chainsaw fucked from me. Ya daft hack twat.
The good news being that he reads the comments on your site Mangina. Or was that from *over there*, no, no, it was in my retort to Weisebecker when he motherfucked me for saying 9/11 conspiracy believers were fucking retarded.
He means rich as in spiritually.
Didn’t his manager/half brother steal all his money? Is he still quite rich?
“COMEDIANS CAN’T BE CRITICS?!? (*starts editing resume*) How DARE you, Dane Cook. I REFUSE TO BE PUT IN A BOX!”
Since when were you a comedian Vinnie?
Dane Cook is to Dane Cook as Dane Cook is to Dane Cook’s comedy.
Misogynism is a word used by whorish lesbian cunts and quivering liberal faghags who are just jealous of Dane Cook and his………………money, I guess.
I got your misogynism right here, *points at crotch*
Dane Cook isn’t a misogynist. He’s a massagenist.
I like how he name-dropped someone who can’t defend himself against the perception that he was friendly with Dane Cook.
Again, he was (at least publicly) friends with Patrice. He came up with Patrice, along with Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, etc. They were all Boston comics around the same time, overlapping with Joe Rogan and Norton.
Oh, and I think he meant that last part to be funny…..but I don’t think he meant it to be funny solely because he has the worst skin of anyone I’ve ever seen. He’s like the white Seal….but that I mean he gets way better pussy than he has any business getting.
Wait, is “chainsaw fucking” that move where you pull repeatedly before giving up and sadly gesturing to the money on the dresser? Because if that’s the case, I’m Paul Fucking Bunyan.
Bravo good Sir, BRAV-FUCKING-O! COTW wrapped up on a monday!
Leatherface would of worked better, Paul Bunyan used an axe. *pushes up glasses* *returns to battlestar gallactica*
Dane Cook is so stupid that he spoke “minutia” as the wrong spelling. I don’t blame writers as much as I blame shameless, lying, pathetic interview subjects.
Damnit, nevermind about the error, that is the plural. Cook still sucks though.
i was hoping this would be about the videogame chainsaw lollipop whores
“Since I’m really quite rich.”
And with one sentence Dane Cook has burnt up all the good will he rebuilt with his appearance on Louie.
Maybe we can just kill him? I nominate any commenter who does not live in his parents’ basement or has kissed a human woman.