"Say good morning to the squirrel, spook."
As far as I can tell, the source for this story is ContactMusic, which means it’s probably not true at all BUT OH GOD I HOPE IT’S TRUE THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY OF OUR GENERATION! The story is this: Clint Eastwood is friends with a squirrel. Are you still with me here? That’s right, a squirrel. Clint Eastwood and a squirrel are friends now. They just hang out, eating nuts together, doing squirrel-type shit like a couple of regular dude-bros.
Clint Eastwood is obsessed with a squirrel called Lola.
OBSESSED! (*20s newscaster voice*) That’s right, they say the old man’s gone squirrel crazy! He’s loco for Lola, I tell ya! He’s bonkers for bushy tails!
The ‘J. Edgar’ director came across his furry friend on the Warner Bros. movie lot in Los Angeles, California, and now insists on leaving the door of his office open when he is working so that Lola can stop by whenever she wants.
A source said: “Clint leaves the front door open whenever he’s inside working so Lola can come and go. He gets a kick out of watching her and always keeps a bag of shelled peanuts on the bottom shelf of a bookcase in case she gets hungry. Clint would be so upset if Lola disappeared. He enjoys her company.”
Some say the unlikely friendship began when old Clint saved Lola from a gang of unsavory chipmunks. Said Clint sheepishly, “Aw heck, I wasn’t savin’ anybody. I was just tryin’ to get a horde of twig-chuckin’ acorn nibblers off my lawn. Back in ‘Nam we used to kill chipmunks by the thousands. I tell ya there was stacks a dead chipmunks gook high.”
The story should really end there (AND WHAT A STORY IT IS!), but I couldn’t deprive you of this, the most pointless and asinine segue in the history of scum journalism.
Clint is not the only celebrity to love animals, Paris Hilton ordered a petting zoo for her birthday party last year. [ContactMusic via BestWeekEver]
And SPEAKING of Paris Hilton, I hope whoever wrote this gets ass cancer.
FACTUAL UPDATE: Eastwood apparently talked about the squirrel on Ellen. -Thanks to Elizabeth Rappe for the tip.
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RELATED: The Fake Bret Remix, “Squirrels in the Sky,” created by Waqas:
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I hope to god somebody remakes Taken but with Clint replacing Liam Neeson and Lola as his derpy vaguely-teenage daughter.
please shop vince vaughn in the background
I think a lot of us have had crazy grandparents who would feed the squirrels.
“Clint would be so upset if Lola disappeared.” That sounded kinda like a warning.
I now know what I have to do to get Clint to do a shot for shot remake of The Eiger Sanction with all the original cast.
“Hello Clint. This is…uh…Scorpio. I have Lola. You know what I want. Meet me at George Kennedy’s grave in one hour. Bring a shovel and three extra large duffel bags. I’ll bring the hacksaw. Ready? Go.
What? What do you mean he’s not dead? Holy shit, when did that happen?”
Fake Bret and Lola would SO get along.
Wow, that Lola can sure shove the nuts in her mouth. Too bad she’s just a regular-sized squirrel.
And that’s the way that Clint wants it to stay. And he always wants it to be that way, for his Lola.
Clint: *aims rifle* GET OFF MY LAWN !!
Lola: Squeak! Squeak, squeak!
Clint: No, not you, Lola, I’m talkin’ to that fat-ass gook bitch over there.
Kim Kardashian: Are you talking to me, creepy old guy? Do I know you?
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Clint: Here, Lola, have another peanut.
——————–
Dare to dream, baby, dare to dream.
Are you gonna bury those nuts or whistle Dixie?
The squirrels name is Lola. But it’s a male. That’s kinda accurate then I guess.
“You’ve got Kernals on one side, Planters on the other, and me in the middle. That crazy bell-ringer was right, there’s squirrels to be fed in this town.”
Clint Eastwood and my grandpa would be fast friends. You think Eastwood calls Lola “Ma Cushlah?”
Life is full of little disappointments. I mean, cmon, no orangutan, Clint?
Someone with even a little more talent than me has to do a “sqirrels in the sky” in the vein of Eastwood’s Gran Torino end credits song.
I’m surprised no one has posted this… [tinyurl.com]
Not the first time he’s taken a liking to bushy tails.
I guess when you get old you realize that you need to downgrade your chimp to something more economical.
Correction: Orangutan.
(We have a responsibility to keep high factual standards here in the Filmdrunk comments section.)
Ironically, he calls his penis and remaining ball Rocky and Bullwinkle.Or appropriately? Anyways, Stallone missed a trick staying in the news.
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Sounds interesting – what color is your tail?
And is it sufficiently bushy?
And do you like nuts? (By nuts, I mean testicles)
I can’t do it to a chick who thinks “head” means toilet. Not again. NEVER AGAIN!
HEY, SUGARNUTS!!!!!! YOUR TAIL LOOKS STUPID!!!!! MY OLD RACIST WILL BURY YOUR OLD RACIST IN THE ROSE GARDEN!!!!!!
By squirrel, do you mean Asian?
When a naked man is chasing a squirrel up a tree with a butcher’s knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Whole Foods Green Mission! OR IS HE?
The part of the squirrel will be played by Tila Tequila.
If ever there was a reason to build an entire sketch around Bill Hader’s Eastwood impression, this is it.
Maybe he just got confused and thought it was Chip ‘n Dale
Fistful of Planters
For a Few Peanuts More
The Gook, the Old and the Furry