Deep down, I always knew this day would come. I’ve been writing about Armond White, the New York Film Critic Circle’s palavricent trucularian, for a few years now, with my opinion of him evolving over the years, but my fascination always consistent. I knew it was inevitable that one day someone would drop the dime on how much fun we’ve been having with him and FilmDrunk would find itself in the crosshairs of one of A-Dubz’ revolutionary truth torpedoes. A-Dubz was on the Ron & Fez show yesterday morning (which you may remember as the place where he outed that schmuck Hoberman and that dingy slit Schwartzbaum for the racist fascocrites they are), and a FilmDrunk post (the one about White at the NYFCC Awards — aka The Bull Moose Moving Picture Appreciation Society of the 1934 World’s Fair ) was discussed.
I’ll post the transcript below, but to make a long story short, while I was a bit disappointed not to be called a racist, I’m proud to be a mole-like sub-human, ruining journalism one slimy, libelificent smear scrawl at a time. [Thanks to Stephen for recording this for me]
WHITE: I’m there [at the NYFCC Awards], and little did I know there are little moles standing around listening to what I do.
[about telling Albert Brooks that Hoberman was a jackass] I was quoted correctly, but it was only a fraction of what I had to say. We talked about an album he did called “A Star is Bought.” It’s absolutely brilliant, and I had to tell him so. And that was really the gist of our conversation. But the little Hoberman moles, the Hobermites standing around, they didn’t care about that, they just wanted to… broadcast something about me, I don’t know.
RON (or Fez, I have no idea): Over at FilmDrunk.com, Vince Mancini wrote an article, do you know him?
WHITE: Don’t know him at all.
RON: ..Oh, wait, okay, I guess over at Movieline, Lawrence Levi [the guy who was at the NYFCC awards whose account of the Awards I quoted in my post]... do you know him?
WHITE: I don’t know him either.
RON: Well I guess he over heard you saying that J. Hoberman was a jackass to Albert Brooks.
WHITE: Yeah, well Albert Brooks asked if I knew where J. Hoberman was, and I said ‘that jackass?’ Because I couldn’t figure out why somebody as smart as Albert Brooks would wanna even know.
RON: And then Mancini from Filmdrunk, also said that you were doing some strange heckling [actually I was only quoting Vulture's account]. Shouting “The Good Shepherd” at Robert DeNiro.
WHITE: Is it heckling when you’re cheering? I’m on the record as being a Good Shepard fan, and I’m a DeNiro fan.
RON: Right — you were having a fun night, and it’s a night when people can kind of let their hair down and relax, and as you’re doing that, you feel like some of the other critics are just there taking shots at you.
WHITE: Well, these people you mention, they’re not critics, I don’t even know what they are. I don’t even know if they’re human. They’re just little moles, that attach themselves to critics. It’s strange, they come as invited guests, and then they eavesdrop, and give incorrect reports on what other people do.
RON: Well were the reports incorrect, or…
WHITE: Well not incorrect, but out of context. I said Hoberman’s a jackass, because Hoberman’s a jackass. So, that’s true.
RON: Were you happy when he was laid off?
WHITE: No, because I guess I fear where his contagion will land next. He’s just a bad guy, and he’s like an octopus, he’s got tentacles all over this town. So he won’t be gone for long. If he was gone for good I might be happy.
!!!!!!!!!
RON: Also, when Viola Davis was onstage, were you yelling “Ethel Waters!” the whole time?
WHITE: See, this is the bad… well, yes, I did. But see, this is the bad thing about the internet, because it evidences the decline of journalism, because there’s no real journalism anymore, it’s just gossip. Because certainly none of the people who wrote about this came to me to verify, to ask WHY I did what I did. And they didn’t report in fact the NEWs of that awards dinner, which was Albert Brooks’ speech, and a beautiful speech by Jessica Chastain, who won a supporting actress prize.
They also did not report that when Viola Davis got on stage, and talked about, “as an African-American actress, the only inspiration I ever had was Meryl Streep.”
Well, Meryl Streeep’s a great actress, but if she’s going to couch it in terms of being an African-America, I would like to know, don’t you know who Ethel Waters is? There’s a problem here, which is why I shouted ‘Ethel Waters!’
Apparently the only actress she knows is Meryl Streep.
RON: Who’s ready to play black at any time…
WHITE: I’d rather see her do it than Viola Davis at this point, she’d probably do a better job.
[...]
I don’t think that Brad Pitt, Robert DeNiro, Viola Davis is any better than me. You know, we’re all working folk. So I engage their work on the same level that they presented to the public. They’re not better me, and as a critic, the movie isn’t better than me. Hollywood isn’t better than me. Hollywood better please me, is my attitude. I’m not subservient to movies, and I think everybody else should have that attitude. I don’t bow down to Hollywood. Why should I?
RON: [asks about White 'fanboyishly' going outside to talk to Brad Pitt]
WHITE: I’m not a fanboy. I’ve met more famous people than Brad Pitt, believe me.
And here again we see the conundrum of Armond White. He’s totally right about me writing gossip and not journalism. I could’ve, and probably should’ve, asked him for confirmation and clarification about the Bull Moose Moving Picture Society dinner, but it was funnier not to. Even the part where he’s saying he’s not subservient to movies is expressing a truth of sorts among all honest film critics, but the way he says it is hilarious. And yes, there were probably many more “newsworthy” things that happened at that dinner, but Armond himself is so delightfully nutty that he’s way more interesting. What do you want, Jessica Chastain’s speech, or a vain film critic who compares another film critic to “a contagion” with “tentacles all over town?” The inside of Armond White’s mind must be like the Watchmen, with him as Rorschach, forever providing his own hard-boiled narration to describe the sea of filth and vermin around him that is the world of New York film criticism. I will never stop loving that.
[banner pic source = DeathandTaxes]
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RON (or Fez, I have no idea)
Ron. (a doo ron ron)
He sounds like Herman Cain with a fine arts degree.
“I’ve met more famous people than Brad Pitt, believe me. Each dawn, the evanescent sparkle of a new day, I introduce myself to myself in the mirror. I know fame. Fame is that little particle of tumescent wonder, thriving in the torrid depths of a man’s soul, that can only come out in the dark caverns of a marble palace.”
“So, uh, what’d you think of Jack and Jill?”
Magnificent.
See there you go taking A-Dubs out of context again Mancini! He didn’t compare him to a contagion. He compared him to an octopus. He accused him of being a contagion.
Holbermite! Go work for the Times if your gonna disregard facts.
Shouldn’t he be flattered that we’re so enamored of him and his shenanigans?
I doubt he was aware of us, but he might be now. I’m just not so sure that Mr. White would view our brand of love, unwavering as it may be and our way of expressing it in a positive light.
I hope he does though, it’s safe to say that man has brightened up a day or two.
Well, these people you mention, they’re not critics, I don’t even know what they are. I don’t even know if they’re human.
Low blow, ArW. Vince might have a Jew-fro, but he’s still human… unless, of course, “Vince Mancini” is actually a computer program that generates movie blogs at random.
Look, Vince is cleaver and hansom and all, but let’s not forget he’s Armenian.
I think Arnond White counts bloggers as 3/5 of a human.
Only a wordsmith like A Dubs himself can expound on the plethora of emotions I feel towards his shirt.
Also, when Viola Davis was onstage, were you yelling “Ethel Waters!” the whole time?
That’s just bad journalism. He was actually yelling “Ethel Merman” at Adam Sandler.
Zing!
As a (shitty, self-appointed, niche) journalist/reviewer, myself, I had to take a moment to think seriously about what Armond White had to say (also, I’m avoiding work). I have to agree with his assessment of the situation, and with Vince’s reckoning. So, I also have to realize that the exact reason I love Armond White, is that he is often right in totally wrong ways. He is a master of the manipulated close reading. His points often stand, even if they are framed in specious ways. So, do I enjoy him as a sort of intentional, winking comedian of the semi-subversive intellectual set, or do I take him as he appears to be, a heavy-weight intellect with labyrinth modes of displaying misdirected aggravation? He is likely one, if not both. But! either way, am I paying him the courtesy and respect of seeing him as a person, or have I diminished him by assuming he exists only as we perceive him? I don’t know, but I have two thoughts with which to end this musing:
1. Armond White has more or less invited Vince et al to contact him on the regular, to discuss his adventures, for they are surely that, and I can’t wait.
2. Master Comedian or bitter nay-sayer, Armond White is smarter than I, and I wish I could pull that action off.
Mr. White, if you are reading this, you have left me stymied and thrilled. Don’t ever change.
ugh, so many words. Can’t you express it in picture form?
What he said, and he wears bodacious motorcycle shirts.
Well I am /shitty/ self-appointed, niche journalist/reviewer. Sadly too many words is my, um, thing.
So the people who make and star in the films that Armond White comments on and criticizes are no better than him, but the bloggers who comment on and criticize him are moles, parasites, and possibly inhuman. Which I guess makes the people who comment on those blogs the pus that infects the mucous that feeds on the pond scum that covers the parasites. Which also explains why White thought “My Best Friend’s Wedding” got jobbed out of a Best Picture Oscar.
“They’re just little moles, that attach themselves to critics. It’s strange, they come as invited guests, and then they eavesdrop, and give incorrect reports on what other people do.”
Isn’t this almost the exact same thing an actor or director says about critics, Armond?
When reached for comment, Junior College Armond White said of Vince’s article, “that’s bunk journalism, maaan. Street Law!”
Armond White is just angry because when he got Hobermites, regular crab soap didn’t work. He had to use a schvartze balm.
“They’re just little moles, that attach themselves to critics.”
I want to talk to you about metaphors, Armond White. Metaphors are used to describe things in terms of another. Moles do not attach themselves to anyone, film critic or otherwise. Moles dig under the ground. A variety of animals, mostly parasitic in nature, attach themselves to other beings (and occasionally film critics). A more apt metaphor might be that “[film critics] are just little lampreys, that attach themselves to critics,” or that “they are little moles, that burrow into trivial minutiae like so many hobos scrabbling through garbage heaps.” But the notion of a mole attaching itself to you, Armond, is as preposterous a misapprehension as your claim that Norbit was a likable film.
I’m not 100% sure (can one fully understand A Dubs?) but I think he meant “mole” as in the brown patches on a body? If he means the animal then it is worth noting that Vince DOES live solely off earthworms.
Not to slow the make-fun-of-Armond train, but I’m pretty sure he meant mole as in spy. Definition 2
[dictionary.reference.com]
We cannot expect a man who struggles at metaphor to know the difference between a character and a caricature.
Armond White getting asked about Filmdrunk almost makes Vince as famous as being on the VH1 CCMA webcast! Too bad White wasn’t on the red carpet last night:
“Oh, look! It’s Armond White! Come over here, ya big lug! It’s not every day you see a cross-dressing tight end interviewing celebrities by yapping at a laptop! Are we on?”
OHMYGOD you two are totally gonna do it.
FROTCAST! FROTCAST!
I don’t think that Brad Pitt, Robert DeNiro, Viola Davis is any better than me. You know, we’re all working folk.
Now this disappoints me. Like my rather large friend said when we bumped into a rapper (or somebody, who the fuck knows) after a Vegas event and the do you knowz who I emz!!! started up …
“I guess you’re an entertainer… so f*ckin ENTERTAIN ME”
They’re not working folks like you, Armond. They’re deified circus geeks.
In ancient Rome, actors held the same social status as street urchins… kind of like Corey Feldman.
Also zing!
so basically he just confirmed everything in the story
“No, because I guess I fear where his contagion will land next. He’s just a bad guy, and he’s like an octopus, he’s got tentacles all over this town. Why, it’s as if Hollywood is naught but a nubile, quivering virgin, and he some sort of Japanese monster of the most dildoish, betentacled variety. I, for one, have no wish to see the hallowed and august institution of film criticism covered in foreign rape juices and AIDS. I saw quite enough of that as a young buck critic watching trash like ‘Philadelphia.’”
That’s pretty cool, no sarcasm. Filmdrunk is dope.
They are all moles, attaching themselves to Sarah Jessica Parker’s face.
My two geek worlds have collided. My mind is blown. I can’t believe I missed the interview the other day.
see, this is the problem with labels. Who cares if your a blogger, journalist, moleman, or fucking whatever? You write purty, and people find it entertaining. Great. Also, I wouldn’t want to be called a journalist nowadays anyway. Unless you’re in a war zone, if you work for Fox or CNN you can suck my dick.
Agree x 1,000%.
especially that Megyn Kiley or whatever the fuck her name is. Talk about a hate fuck. No, ladies, I don’t mean rape.
*brushes lint off of tuxedo, strolls into the art gallery*
Now that he knows about Filmdrunk lets just hope he doesn’t register, or that’s comment of the week locked up for the foreseeable future.
he speaks like a normal person, not fluent enough in pompous assnes, I see.
While the Rorschach draws merit, I’ve always imagined him as more like Ignatius J. Reilly screaming “Filth!” at the screen while gleefully diving into a giant tub of popcorn.