Poor Burnsy. I was having him cover for me today while I went to some screenings and took care of a few things. I already made him write about Happy Madison once today and it almost killed him, and that was just in reference to a possible Grown Ups sequel. Making him cover this was out of the question. In any case, yes, Adam Sandler has signed on to co-write and star in the movie adaptation of Candyland (which we first heard about three years ago). Yes, Candyland the board game. We have reached the suck singularity.

Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison and Hasbro, Inc. are in final talks to develop Candy Land, a live action movie based on the bestselling Hasbro board game with Adam Sandler attached to star. Kevin Lima (Enchanted) is attached to direct the project for the studio with Sandler and Robert Smigel are in talks to write the screenplay.

Candyland is basically ‘Sorry’ with candy painted on the board, and adding Sandler to that mix doesn’t do much to alter my conception of what a movie adaptation might look like. Basically, the game pieces all shout-talk in a weird baby voice now.

Created in 1949, Candy Land takes players on a magical journey through fantastical lands made of candy, sweets, and ice cream: the Peppermint Forest, the Gum Drop Mountains, and the Lollypop Woods. Along the way, players encounter such iconic characters as Princess Frostine, Lord Licorice, Mr. Mint, and King Candy.

Mmm, yes, iconic indeed. Iconic in the way that no one remembers them. Meanwhile, Robert Smigel you might recognize as the man behind SNL’s TV Funhouse and the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But he also co-wrote You Don’t Mess With the Zohan in addition to this. My working theory is that one of the Happy Madison guys kidnapped his children. Peter Dante, probably, he looks swarthy.

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I thought we’d pretty much run the gauntlet of movie mash-ups like “Sh*t People of Certain Race/Gender/Religion/Industry Say”, so when I came across the mash-up of movie middle fingers yesterday, I thought for sure it had already been done. But even if it has, screw it. It’s wonderful. It could just be Mr. Bean waving his middle finger at every passing car and I’d be content enough to watch it all day. Man, I sure do love the middle finger.

My brain isn’t working very well today, so I can’t think of any glaring omissions. My first thought was, “This mash-up better have Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys“, because when I first watched that movie in high school, I walked around nonchalantly flipping my middle fingers like his character for weeks. Damn, now I’m going to have to watch that again just for nostalgia.

Other than that, this mash-up gets a solid A. It’s not too long, not too short. Cee Lo Green’s “F*ck You” is appropriate and fun. That is until the SOPA police kick down my door and tickle my cavities with their middle fingers. Until then, enjoy.

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"Which one of you guys tripled parked your Bentleys?"

Chris Rock was at Sundance last week to promote his new film, 2 Days in New York, directed by Julie Delpy, whose best movie was Killing Zoe and I will fight people to the death if they believe otherwise. While Rock did the normal PR legwork for his new film, he also dropped a little nugget of terror into our laps when MTV asked him about the status of the completely unnecessary Grown Ups 2.

/film has reported that Grown Ups 2 already has a set release date of July 12, 2013, but Rock raised a few eyebrows when he admitted that he doesn’t know if his upcoming project with Adam Sandler is actually a sequel. Yeah, because that makes all the difference as to whether it will suck or not.

I don’t know yet. I definitely have been called about my availability. But no one’s told me about a script. When Adam Sandler gives you a call and asks, ‘What are you doing in June? Make sure you don’t do nothing in June!’ So I think we’re getting ready to get the gang back together. I don’t know if it’s going to be ‘Grown Ups 2′ or another movie, though.

Who cares? It’s happening regardless. Happy Madison is Skynet. We’ve allowed Sandler and his friends to amass such wealth that they can do whatever they want. Grown Ups made more than $270 million worldwide. Even if a sequel makes half that, they still win and stock their garages with more Maseratis.

If they want a new movie, they get it. A TV show for Rob Schneider? Done. A Broadway musical starring Peter Dante and a chorus of stoned frat boys making hand farts? Book it. This is why we can’t have nice things, world.

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Ever since the last episode of Arrested Development aired in 2006, we’ve heard rumors galore about a movie based on the hilarious poorly marketed Fox series. The speculation became increasingly frustrating over the last two years, as some cast members claimed it was happening while others (*cough* Michael Cera *cough*) reportedly wanted nothing to do with reviving the Bluth family.

Then in October, our nerd boners became fully engorged when the show’s creator, Mitch Hurwitz, told people at the New Yorker Festival that there would be another season of 10 episodes, finally culminating in the Arrested Development film. And we believed him because he was sitting with the entire cast when he said it.

But because we’ve grown weary of these rumors and letdowns, we need constant reassurance. Thankfully, writer Dean Lorey understands that and updated his blog accordingly over the weekend.

We’re really doing this thing. Mitch Hurwitz, Jim Vallely and I are off writing the new season of ARRESTED to premiere on Netflix in 2013. The original cast is back. There are offices and parking spaces. We’re shooting this year. I wish I could give more specifics but, for the moment, even the schedule is being kept under wraps. But it’s happening and it’s great to be back with my pals from the show.

This is the main reason why I didn’t cancel my Netflix account when all that new billing nonsense went down last year. Oh I wanted to raise a hell storm to voice my disapproval, but then I thought that maybe it was all a trick, and as soon as I went to close the mailbox on my last DVD return, J. Walter Weatherman would reach his arm in and it would be sliced off.

And only then would I learn that’s why you don’t cancel a DVD mailing subscription service.

With Battleship set to open on May 18, it would seem that Universal is full steam ahead (*tugboat horn*) with the threat of producing a series of films based on Hasbro games. However, as we learned last year, the threat is dying. First, Universal killed Clue in the board room with the red pen, and then the studio gently pushed its McG-helmed Ouija Board movie into the dumpster.

Now, as if the gods have heard our cries for salvation, Universal has also dropped its Stretch Armstrong movie that was not only going to be in 3D, but would have starred Taylor Lautner. That’s right, it was the perfect storm of elastic crap.

So why the toe tag, Universal?

The Tay-Tay camp is claiming “it was our choice” to pull out of the film, but in fact a project insider told Deadline months ago right after Lautner’s Lionsgate film Abduction bombed that the studio was rethinking the project with Lautner as star but that Hasbro would make the final decision on the status of the project. Looks like that has happened. (Via Deadline)

First of all, Tay-Tay? That’s just asinine. No grown adult covering any topic should ever refer to someone as Tay-Tay unless it’s a panda baby.

As for the film, we can’t get too excited. Relativity Media is cleaning up Universal’s sloppy seconds by teaming with Hasbro to get this movie done. The good thing is that it won’t star Lautner and maybe Universal has learned a very important lesson here.

Battleship is rumored to have cost Universal $200 million to produce, and if that’s true, the producers of Water World must be celebrating right now. There should be no way in hell that a film starring Liam Neeson and Rihanna could make that kind of money back, but stranger things have happened. Either way, this is a nice moral victory.

Let’s all enjoy it for now, until Boo Boo Stewart is cast as the lead in Slinky.