Battleship (BASED ON THE CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED BOARD GAME!) has a new trailer out, and after watching it, I’ve come up with an awesome new slogan: Battleship — It’s not the SIZE of the ship, it’s the ‘splosions in the ocean! (The motion of the ‘splosion?) No, no, please, you can have that one, free of charge. Really, it’s my pleasure.
Which is to say, yeah, it’s still about alien battleships that jump. But it’s also got Admiral Rihanna (yes, Rihanna plays a naval officer. Yes, Rihanna the singer) dispensing folksy wisdom. “MAH DADDY DUN TOLE ME DA ALIEEN GONE COME BACK ONE DAY! HE SAY WE AIN’T ALONE!” Oh, Magic Negro. What would our action films be without you?
ALIEN BATTLESHIPS TRAVEL BY DUB-STEP!
Grrrrzzzzz BEEESXXXXSSSXXXSSS braaaaaaaaaaah SXEEEEEZZZZXXXXXZZZZZ dmmmmmmmmmm VEEZZZZZZXXXXX gwup gwup gwup GWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH gwup gwup gwup GWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH….
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME HERE!"
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“From The Company That Brought You Transformers” must be one of the worst incitements to see a film ever. I think we should apply it to all aspects of life – “From The Company That Brought You HIV Comes – AIDS!!” Battleships is the AIDS of cinema.
You know it’s going to be bad, just like “jfc that was super awful is my nose bleeding?” bad, but yet somehow even knowing that never really prepares you.
I also liked how the title card was mis-punctuated: “FROM HASBRO THE COMPANY THAT BROUGHT YOU TRANSFORMERS NO TIME FOR COMMAS (*EXPLOSION*)”
This looks really, really stupid.
Counterpoint: Landry from FNL!
Asian building destruction kid is a new meme in 3…2…1…
@Leapin_Lizards
I hope Crucifictorious is on the soundtrack.
Vince, first of all I don’t know how you even got it, but I highly object to you using a picture of my O-face for this post.
So is it time to place bets on the mundane material that winds up being the aliens’ Achilles heel? Since I figure Hasbro needs to find some way to tie this back into their board game, I’m laying my $20 on “translucent polyethylene”.
@Vince Mancini – I’m surprised they even had time for any title card between all the explosions and meaningful dialogue. And the screeching dub-step battleships too.
This looks hella hella hella lame lame lame laaaame.
Navy Guy:”Oh man its a good thing that alien weapon ball went under that helo!”
Aliens: “lol whip technology go!”
Navy Guy: “fuck.”
@LastTexasFan: Asian building destruction kid is a new meme in 3…2…1…
…contact: [www.seanq.com]
SPOILER ALERT:
*********************
After the aliens obviously lose the game (this is Hollywood), they get all pissed off because their opponent hid all their ships in the upper left corner of the map, except the patrol boat which is down in the lower right corner. Damnit man, I can’t find any of your ships!!!!
I bet the aliens are defeated by a pop performance from Admiral Rhianna. Our country’s shitty music is the end of the aliens. Sure they did something similar with Mars Attacks, but I don’t think it will be the most derivative part of the movie.
Not sure why he isn’t talking into a banana in that pic.
Correction on the alien weakness: Liam Neeson straps broken bottles to his fists and brawls those mah fuckahs back into space.
Rihanna quickly rose to the rank of Admirella, ella, ella with a capital A, A, A.
BATTLESHIP: FEATURE TRAILER
Feature trailer for Battleship courtesy of Apple.
A fleet of ships is forced to do battle w ith an armada
of unknow n in order to discover and th wart their
destructive goals.
First my 6 year old cousin beats me at the game, now he’s writing synopses for the movie? What the shit, you guys?!?!
From Hasbro the company that brought you trailers that sound like your playing Skrillex through a blender.
the only thing that could save this movie is if Liam Neeson says “you sank my battlehsip!” in an overly dramatic way, or if theres more of that charming Asian building destruction kid
Dububububusteewewweweweweweeeeep. This is just one of the many children to come that Michael Bay birthed.
+1,000,000 StinkyPete
I like how Hollywood is doing the same thing for Taylor Kitsch it tried doing for Josh Hartnett 10 years ago. “Do a shitload of action movies son!”
Also, where’s Channing Tatum? Lord knows he should be in this.
Also, I’m pretty sure that I saw Landry Clarke in there.
CRUCIFICTORIOUS FOREVER!!!!
I was happy when they said “RIMPAC” as per its authenticity, and ignored everything else