"Come... at me, bro."
Following up on yesterday’s sneak preview from the Today show, Disney has released the full trailer for John Carter. I can’t deny that it looks cool, but it kind of just makes me feel sad and jaded. There’s a ton of talent behind the camera, and I’m sure ten years ago the sheer spectacle would’ve melted our faces off, but now it just sort of looks like every other movie that came out this summer. Mix aliens from Green Lantern with plots of Avatar and Cowboys and Aliens, and voila, you’ve got this. The biggest selling point was going to be Willem Dafoe in a ridiculous outfit, but apparently he just voices the alien in the banner image. God, life sucks. You really ruined my morning, John Carter.
Okay, I think I’ve isolated the problem. It’s the dialog. No one says anything that isn’t pointless exposition (“You are… John Carter of Earth” being the most hilarious example) or bad action-movie platitudes (“I won’t be late… this time“). I need a better reason to like this guy besides long hair, shirtlessness, and a growly voice. I mean, it works for my mom, but that’s more because she’s my mom than because of her growling or bare chest.
In conclusion, THERE’S ONLY ONE JOHN CARTER, AND HIS NAME IS NOAH WYLIE.
[comingsoon - Opens March 9th]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Morgan-Freeman-last-vegas-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/if-i-showed-you-all-the-money-shots-in-pacific-rim-youd-have-a-70-minute-orgasm-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/trailer-rapture-palooza-starring-craig-robinson-and-anna-kendrick-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/About-Time-POster-150x150.jpg)
“I’ll give you four handjobs at once,” -Brennan’s impression of the lead Willem Dafoe alien.
Cheer up, Vince. Maybe McNulty will bang some green, four-armed space sluts. I know that always brightens *my* day.
So a white guy with assbackwards technology from the 19th century emerges as the savior of a technologically superior and differently colored race?
Is this shit pornography for Muslims or republicans?
Apparently, white men CAN jump.
Eh, needs more ponytail sex.
I get super fucking bored when I see CGI now a days.
Remember any problem you backwards ass aliens come up with a handsome white due can fix in like two hours.
white dude* balls
Oh man a desert arena fght against a giant CGI alien while chained up?! you would think they wouldn’t want to remind people of Star Wars Episode 2 when they have CGI everything running around, but guess not. Least they gayed it up with the hot dude this time.
How’d he get to Mars? A Le(a)d Zeppelin?!
Speaking of zeppelins, at least they didn’t go all steampunk with this.
oh shit this looks awesome! could’ve used a song that was a little more on the OOH WAH AH AH AH side, but still it’s a pretty good trailer.
Now if they had casted Sawyer from Lost as John Carter this movie would’ve been epic, we need more Sawyer!
The facial work on those dildo armed aliens is definitely not in the same Serkian universe as that man in a pinball suit shitting in his hand in that monkey uprise movie.
I’m assuming that about 75% of this movies budget was spent securing the rights for Kashmir and most of the rest was spent on conditioner.
“You killed him with one blow”
That’s also my favorite line from “Rabid Hooker 2: The Rapening”
“Will you protect us Jake Sully?”
“For the last time, it’s John Carter. Totally different sounding name bro. Seriously.”
So was I the only one who was waiting on Puff Daddy to start rapping on that shit?
I’ve watched this 5 times now. And other than “scruffy white dude saves alien race” I have no fucking clue what this movie is about. I am only able to make assumptions about certain things in this. Why can he jump like he injected himself with Michael Jordan’s blood and/or semen? What kind of shitty technology are they using? Why do the aliens have 4 arms, and face horns? What the fuck are the humans doing there in the first place? Why the hell doesn’t he have real clothes?
Why do I have the weirdest boner right now?