That's right, the movie is called "Good Deeds, and Tyler Perry plays... wait for it... WESLEY DEEDS. (Hence the "WD" on his briefcase). It's also interesting to note, if you just replace "struggling to make ends meet" with "karate-chopping terrorists," Tyler Perry movies are actually pretty similar to Steven Seagal movies (though admittedly less exciting). Replace his briefcase with a pistol in this poster and the morning sun behind him with a burning foreign city... BOOM, Steven Seagal poster. Tyler Perry is basically the Steven Seagal of quasi-religious melodrama.
Anyway, the movie. Let me guess, he struggles with the challenges and temptations of modern life, but ultimately finds redemption? Tyler Perry movies are already so much like dentist's office posters, I'd respect him a lot more if he just broke down and made "Hang in There, Kitty: The Movie." Someone write that down.
Whoa. "Glenn Close plays a dude." Okay, I'm listening. Also, is it just me, or does Glenn Close in drag look a bit like Caesar from Planet of the Apes?
This could easily become a porn franchise. "Albert Nobbs Paris." "Albert Nobbs Jesse Jane." I know the spelling is off, but have you seen porn? The spelling is always off.
Alvin isn't wearing his trademark shades, but you can still tell he's the cool one by his open shirt and shark-tooth necklace. Hey, fool, that's my move, don't be tryna swagger jag me. You should get some of your own.
You may also notice Alvin's slightly raised eyebrow, which seems to be Fox's attempt to reverse engineer the Dreamworks face. It's close, but still a little off, like the Gobots to Dreamworks' Transformers. Nothing wrong with playing with Gobots if you also had Transformers, but if all you have are Gobots, it probably means you're poor. If you extend the metaphor, I think it still applies here.
Oh shut up, Big Miracle. There's only one inspiring marine mammal in town, and its name is Dolphin Tale. Dolphin Tale has Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr. and you've got... Drew Barrymore? Yeah, that's what I thought.
There you have it, folks, it's the new winner for "Most Generic Movie Poster in Existence." This Summer! People are concerned about something! We were there to film them!
And come on, "Travis Van Winkle?" You couldn't convince a kindergartner that that's someone's real name.
Here's a nice poster for an upcoming retrospective documentary about Roger Corman. It's a decent poster, but keep in mind, Roger Corman is the guy behind such films as Sharktopus, Piranaconda, and Dinocroc vs. Supergator. And that's just in the last two years. If you can't make an interesting poster with that, you should probably just quit.
It's such a shame when a film spends its entire budget on explosion columns and there isn't enough left over to straighten out the horizon line. Then the poor actors spend the entire film walking around all sideways! That's just a safety hazard. Someone should call OSHA. Also, Emile Hirsch has been on the cusp of Oscar nomination twice already. Did they kidnap a relative to get him to be in this? ...Wait, they did, didn't they. That's the Russian angle. I knew it.
...And there's only one person who can get him back. You guessed it. Steven Seagal.
Daniel Craig is pre-emptively shaming you for wanting to rape that poor girl. What, you don't want to rape her? Well someone must. From what I know of these books, there's always a potential rape just around the corner.
Also, ever since I saw those ads for the "Lisbeth Salander Collection," every image from this movie looks like some high-end fashion spread. Stiff Upper-Lip, a new fragrance by Calvin Klein.
Into the Abyss is Werner Herzog's documentary about death-row inmates, but this poster sort of makes me wish it was about birds. "Oont za hawk, he feel not sympazee for za tiny furry mouse, only za satisfyink crunch of beak on bone. Za delicious, nourishing eendeeference uff nature. Eez poetry."
I don't know much about this movie, but I can guarantee you it's not important enough to warrant a whole series of these character posters.
Seriously, what do you think you are, the Hunger Games? The biggest name in the cast is "Chris Mulkey." That's up there with Footloose's "Kenny Wormald" on the list of "Names too dumb-sounding to ever be famous."
There are like four more of these. You can check them out on IMPA if you want, but I'm washing my hands of this.
From Collider comes this somewhat retro poster for Lovelace, that Linda Lovelace biopic from the Howl guys (I actually liked Howl, mostly, and the only thing I hate more than poetry is Baby Boomer navel gazing, so you know they've got talent). The poster's okay, but I think Amanda Seyfried deep throating a kielbasa would've been just as effective. And maybe she could've had a little whipped cream on her cheek, just sort of subtle and classy-like.
"The most corrupt cop you've ever seen onscreen." That is a bold statement, friendo. I've seen almost every Steven Seagal movie AND both Bad Lieutenants. When I think "corrupt cop," I think this:
That's a lot to live up to.
The trailer for this one came out just the other day. I'll attach it below, but the gist is that it's Denzel's latest addition to the "corrupting my young, white protege" ouvre. We should make one big mash-up of every Denzel Washington movie from the last five years. "It's a missile! The size! Of the Chrysler building! And King Kong! Ain't got nuthin! On Me!"
This summer, Robert Downey Jr. faces off against Johnny Depp in, "Who Swashbuckle'd it More Charmingly?"
The sword is for cutting people, the baton is for tipping your bowler cap right before you say something cool. Like if you chop off a bad guy's scalp, you'd tip your cap with the baton and say "Top a the mornin' to ya," and wink at the camera.
In movie-land, if you just give a willowy model more than one blade, suddenly she turns into Blanka from Street Fighter. It's the Gillette Mach Three solution to believability. Sure, she may not have the upper-body strength to believably win a fight with anyone over 130 pounds, but WHAT IF SHE HAD EIGHT KNIVES???
Well this guy just looks dapper as shit, what with his fancy watch chain, doesn't he. Note: don't get any ideas, hipsters. What looks cool in a period piece only makes you look steampunk in real life.
"Simza," eh? Who wants to bet that she's a powerful gypsy sorceress? Oh Jesus, look at all those bangles. This is going to be like an Eagles song come to life.
This guy's face is almost too perfect for "British villain," the only thing missing is the lap cat. But is it just me, or does "Jared" seem horribly ill-fitting for a dapper British supervillain? I played little league with like four guys named Jared. Not a one of them was even slightly debonaire.
Step Up 4, huh? So what, they run her hair through a distortion pedal in this one or what? Just give it up, man. This isn't a franchise without C-Tates. That's true of most things.
The Severin Films guys have their finger on the pulse of cool, underground movie stuff better than any group of people on Earth, so I trust their judgement. But "devious, demented, and occasionally delicious" is the perfect example of a critic quote that you can't trust at all. There's about a 1% chance it's a perfect description of the movie, and a 99% chance that that guy needed an excuse to alliterate. It sounds like the way Courtney Stodden would describe a movie.
This poster is juuuust shy of being a great Steven Seagal poster. Maybe if Bruce Willis played rogue former EPA agent "Jack Day."
What is it about looking off to the side of the frame into bright sunlight that's so inspirational? Is that where Jesus and hope and the holy spirit exist, just to the right of the frame, where you can't quite see them, only their celestial light as if reflects off your shining faces like the contents of Marcellus Wallace's briefcase? Whoa, this got kind of deep didn't it.
Here's the minimalist version of the We Bought a Zoo poster. It's kinda neat. Nifty, say. Though I think it actually might work better as a Tree of Life poster.
"NOTHING IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN THE TRUTH."
What, not even gun, or tornados, or sharks, or ninjas? I find that hard to believe. What about DIAGONAL HORIZON LINES?? Isn't it dangerous to walk around like that all day? What if she falls?!
Yes, Jake Paltrow is Gwyneth's younger brother. Young Ones is apparently some kind of sci-fi film:
While info on the pic is scarce, the film is said to have Elle Fanning attached to star in a story set in the not too distant future where water is a scarce commodity (per Ion Cinema). The film centers on a cowboy grieving over the death of his father when he finds out that his father’s killer has just moved in with his sister.
And I guess the not-too-distant future has cowboys and spaceships from District 9. More information as it comes.
[all posters via IMPA unless otherwise noted]