I cover the film industry for a living, and as absurd as it is, it still doesn’t hold a candle to theater, where writing songs about a movie and hiring a washed-up sitcom star to play the lead are considered innovation. Case in point: Sylvester Stallone is teaming up with Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko, the two most boring heavyweight champions of all time, to produce a stage musical based on Rocky. Boxing and showtunes: two great tastes that taste great together. More than anything in the world, I want it to be true that Sly signed the contract with his fancy skull pen.
Stallone and the Klitschkos, who will produce Rocky: The Musical together with Kevin King Templeton of Stallone’s Rouge Marble shingle, announced the project in Hamburg on Monday.
“They kept jabbing me and jabbing me about it, and eventually I just got so bored that I agreed to everything they wanted.”
Stallone said in giving the pugilist classic the Andrew Lloyd Webber treatment he would be focusing on Rocky’s romantic side.
“At the end of the day, Rocky is a love story and he could never have reached the final bell without Adrian,” said Stallone. “To see this story coming to life on a musical stage makes me proud. And it would make Rocky proud.”
“At the end of the day, saying ‘at the end of the day’ doesn’t make the statement it prefaces any less ridiculous. A fictional character I created taught me that.”
In addition to co-producing, the Klitchko brothers will train the lead actor, who has not yet been cast, in the sweet science.
Holy shit, really? That’d be like getting Tim Duncan to mentor the cast of the next And1 mixtape. Crap, I just tried to explain a sports reference with an even more esoteric sports reference, didn’t I. Okay, how about this — the Klitschko brothers are to boxing what Ken Burns is to documentary.
Tony Award nominee Alex Timbers will direct. Ragtime’s Tony-award winning lyricist Lynn Ahrens and composer Stephen Flaherty will re-team for the music, which will include songs from the Rocky films, among them “Eye of the Tiger,” “Gonna Fly Now” and “Take You Back.”
Call me crazy, but I think they should’ve gotten Sting.
Budgeted at $15 million, Rocky: The Musical will have its world debut, in German, in Hamburg November 2012. Stallone plans to then take the musical on the road to stages worldwide. [THR]
15 million?!? I must have drastically underestimated the cost of jump ropes and hooded sweatshirts. Anyway, you probably can’t see it through the boxing gloves, but I’m jazz-handsing pretty hard right now.
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An average day in Germany…
Expect plenty of fisting.
Oh my God, I was wrong,
I had retard-strengh all along,
I guess you’ve finally made a Rocky
YES WE’VE FINALLY MADE A ROCKY
Yes, you’ve finally made a Rocky out of meeeeee.
… I love you Carl Weathers.
Way to steal the jazz hands/boxing gloves joke OUT OF MY MIND.
/there’s still the jizz hands joke, but that’s not as gay as this musical
Why did they need new songs? They could use The Boxer, Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Mama Said Knock You Out, and the best song about pugilism, Luka.
Your comment has been added, thank you!
Aw, you’re welcome. I’ve never felt so appreciated before. I may never get anywhere near CotW, but at least the software likes me.
I guess that South Park episode makes more sense now. BROdway indeed.
It seems redundant to make a dismissive wanking motion about a story in which the protagonist literally beats meat.
Purses will be worn rather than won.
Rocky enters stage left this is the pet shop Adrian works at and is all mousy in
“Ohhhh Adriannnnn to show you I’m the best!”
“You’re the best?!!”
“I will punch better than the rest!”
“ohhhhhhhh”
“I will fight them all you see! From fighter A to Mr T!”
This only adds merit to my theory that Sly Stallone begins every morning singing the soundtrack to “The Sound of Music”
It sorta makes sense to have a Weltpremiere for a boxing musical, no?
The climactic Creed-Balboa fight to be vividly portrayed through fingersnaps and expressive dance.
There’s already a Rocky musical, and it’s better than anything than this will ever produce.
[www.youtube.com]
Bonus: Rambo musical: [www.youtube.com]
I can’t wait for the opening night, when a bunch of confused dudes turn up in drag singing “Let’s do the time warp agaaaaiiiiiin!”
Way to find something even more ridiculous than a Spider-Man musical!
Go to the body Rock, go to the body, Turn Off the Darkie…
Uh, thanks but no thanks, Bono.
At the end of the day, it’s the end of the day. A little rotating planet called Earth taught me that.
This is not funny. You’re supposed to save these kinds of jokes for April. Don’t do that to your faithful readers, Vince. It’s mean.
Further music suggestions:
Elton John ‘Can you feel the glove tonight?’
Beach Boys ‘Klitchko surfing now’
Bob Dylan ‘Knocking on a heathen moor’
Neil Young: ‘Keep punching in the free world’
“Kiss with a Fist” by Florence + the Machine, too.
Why you wouldn’t jump straight to the Rocky IV musical when you have the Klitschkos is beyond me.
Especially so you could get to the one after that and the goldmine that is Lou Bega’s ‘Balboa No. 5′.
Thank you, Ace. I’ll be damned if I didn’t already have the chorus of “Dr. Zeus” going through my mind as I was reading this.
I’m so glad that Stallone thinks real life should BE the internet.