Ah, Snow White, exactly how I remembered it.
I don’t know what else you need to know about this new Snow White and the Huntsman trailer other than that it starts with an XXXTREME! close up of a raven that immediately DISINTEGRATES INTO A THOUSAND RAVENS and fades into a close-up of some knights, while a voice over asks us:
“Do you hear that? It’s the sound of battles fought and lives lost.”
And right after that, a king cuts a dude in half with a sword and he disintegrates. MAGICAL DISINTEGRATING SWORD FIGHTS! F*ck magic apples, HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES?
It’s not your grandma’s Snow White, it’s the Snow White you dreamed about when you were rocking out to Papa Roach. Mirror mirror, on the wall, WHICH XXXTREME SLUT IS THE SLUTTIEST OF ALL??? OOOOOH WHA-AH AH-AH!
It blatantly steals the Inception BRAAAAAHM at the 1:10 mark. Also keep in mind that Hollywood is so hot on screenwriter Evan Spiliotopolous right now (one of three credited writers on this) that they’ve hired him to write drafts of Wanted 2, Ouija, an adaptation of Charles Fort for Robert Zemeckis, and most recently, Asteroids.
Here’s the official synopsis:
In the epic action-adventure Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen Stewart (Twilight) plays the only person in the land fairer than the evil queen (Oscar winner Charlize Theron) out to destroy her. But what the wicked ruler never imagined is that the young woman threatening her reign has been training in the art of war with a huntsman (Chris Hemsworth, Thor) dispatched to kill her. [Apple]
Kristen f*cking Stewart. I hope ol’ Sun Tzu over here trained her how to not be Kristen Stewart, because that seems like a first step in winning any fight. I imagine a montage sequence of her slowly, gradually becoming not an 80-pound chick.
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“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most popular with our target demographic of them all?”
In what bizarro, backwards evil universe is Kristen Stewart more attractive than Charlize Theron?
Unless if, by fair, they mean pale. Because that’s accurate.
They must have had Charlize in makeup for hours to get Kristen Stewart the fairer of the two.
The tyranny of Quicktime continues…
Okay, whiners, I used a non-quicktime version.
Also, the answer to “who is fairest of them all” is clearly Edward. He’s so white he sparkles.
A giant black bird bursting into a thousand little black birds? “That’s So Raven.”
All the happy, singing woodland creatures in the original were clearly metaphors for FUCK YEAH AXE FIGHT BRO
I miss the Quicktime version.
This would be way more believable if they had cast Thor as Snow White and that walking Pepsid AC commercial as the cuntsman.
Can’t wait to see this take on the Seven Dwarves. Turns out “Dopey” is so called because he’s a drugdealer.
If we don’t get a character poster of Chris Hemsworth’s character, with the tagline, “You better axe somebody,” I’ll be boycotting.
WTF, where’s Peter Dinklage? Although all movies can benefit from a midget with emo hair, this movie would benefit the most.
The original writer of this cynical, branded wet dream Evan Daughtery was supposed to write Grayskull for Warner and I guess Divergent for Summit. Lesson? Clearly I need to change my name to Evan and finish up my Robin Hood spec from The Sheriff of Nottingham’s perspective. Or maybe Robin and the Sheriff will be the same person? Or maybe I’ll just tell a gritty origin story, I don’t know, we’ll see.
This doesn’t have enough boobs for Tyrion Lannister’s liking.
So when does GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman show up?
Evan Spearalotapus is my new porno name.
Jesus fuck this looks worse than I thought it would. Also Kristen Stuart hottest chick in the land? Did a plague wipe out all the women who can smile?
What utter crap. If K-Stew ever saw a huntsman, I guaran-fucking-tee she’d be on a chair squealing like a little bitch.
(…me too)
@Butthorn. The original draft of the Russell Crowe “Robin Hood” was from Nottingham’s perspective. But they decided audiences would get too confused. Thinking is hard!
Rammstein did it better and xxxxtremer
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I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I WATCH THAT TWICE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY
This is the cross-marketing opportunity of the millenium! Fuck apples, have the prince give her ass a Monster energy drink,
meh, no big deal. I got a mirror just like that at IKEA.
they shoud rename it to snow white and the huntsmen – tiranny in killer apples. That way they could use a cool acronym like swath-tika
What, no hot-air balloon gun ships? Slipknot scores this or GTFO.
JIZZ BATH!!! HOW CUM NOBUDDY YET MENSHON DA JIZZ BATHHH!??
Kristen Stewart (Twilight) plays the only person in the land fairer than the evil queen (Oscar winner Charlize Theron)? Suspension of Disbelief has it’s limits guy.
Hollywood: No matter how hard you try, Kristen Stewart will never be an actress.