It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of those indie, painfully earnest family dramas — a BooBoo Stewart vehicle, something sponsored by WalMart — where the incompetence of the filmmakers is outweighed only by their total earnestness. Which is a shame, because they’re pretty much my favorite thing. Today brings us a wondrous bounty called A Warrior’s Heart, a lacrosse drama starring Twilight‘s Kellen Lutz and Chord Overstreet (“I know what both of those words mean, but together they’re just a mess…”). The two share one of the most awesomely homoerotic locker room scenes since Val Kilmer’s air bite in Top Gun. “I don’t want you ridin’ my tail, and you know why? Because you’re dangerous. If you’re gonna ride my tail, punk, you better be gentle.”
Oh boy, let’s enjoy this together:
Ahh, a love story between “Connor” and “Brooklyn.” How adorably yuppie. I can’t wait for them to go on double dates with Madison and Cody, Devon and Colt, Rooney and Amsterdam. Also, is Ashley Greene’s entire function to stand around narrating? She doesn’t seem to actually be in any of these scenes.
- It’s great when she starts explaining the proud and ancient American Indian game of lacrosse, as if we don’t already know that it’s just a way for semi-athetic date rapists to excel at something without black people around.
- 45-second mark: Boom! Homoerotic locker room drama! “You play right-side attack? Well guess what, stud, so do I. So I am definitely taking your spot.” “Yeah? Well not if the coaches just squish us both together. It’s gonna be hard to pass with me right on your tail.” “Oh, I’ll pass alright. Not to burst your bubble, hotshot, but I’ve had a few guys on my tail before.”
- Smash-cut to: “SON, THEY NEED ME BACK IN IRAQ. THEY’RE GONNA KILL ME. YOU’RE GOING TO NEED SOME EMOTIONAL WOUNDS TO MAKE YOU MORE BROODY AND COMPLEX, AND IT LOOKS LIKE I’M THE GUY. BUT THAT’S WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR. OOH RAH AND SEMPER FI! (*he charges into a hail of bullets*)”
- “Yoah nawt goin anywheyah, Conah Sullivan!” Oh snap! His mom is from the mean streets of Bawston!
- “CONNOR, WE HEARD YOU SMASHED A TROPHY CASE LIKE A WHINY PUSSY, SO YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN SOME LIFE LESSONS FROM A MINORITY NOW. I’M SORRY, SON, BUT SOMETIMES LAHFE IS JUST LIKE A LACROSSE GAME.”
- “Connor! I’m the gruff minority for whom you’re going to gain a grudging respect! Is that clear? Now drop and give me twenty before we bond with the kids at the orphanage!”
- “Ugh, but I hate it here! I don’t WANNA build barns with my shirt off!”
Then at the end, of course there’s a montage of smiling faces, and old enemies become friends. “You know, Connor, I know we’ve had our differences, but we heard you’ve been out here with your shirt off, hangin with minorities. And we think that’s… pretty cool.”
“…Bros?”
“You know it, bro.”
(*they shake hands, then hug, and we fade out as they give each other hand jobs*)
This looks super good.
[via Vulture]
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“Lacrosse mean’s never having to say your sorry”
“Son, we’re called Native AmeriCANS, not Native AmeriCAN’TS!”
Lacrosse: When you want a contact sport white people are still better at.
Ashley Greene, Kellen Lutz, Martin Lawrence and Shawn and Marlon Wayans star in, “Lacrosse Dressing.”
Lacrosse: The game where everyone’s a catcher.
“From this point on, you do not speak until spoken to, is that clear?”
“Uh huh.”
“Good. Hi, how are ya?”
“Whu”"
“Hi, how are ya?”
“but…”
“Hi, how are ya?…just messing with you, white devil.”
“Oh, heh…”
“Hey, white devil, the Native Americans used to trust the white man, now they have their reservations.”
“Wha…”
“Just messin’ with you again, butcher. You know, we are going to need a tribal name for you. You’re gonna be named “Scared Shitless”, white devil.”
“Ha ha, good one, bro!”
“I wasn’t joking that time, Scared Shitless!”
Given that Gabrielle Anwar had only just turned 15 when she gave birth to 26-year-old high-schooler Kellan Lutz, I think it’s safe to assume she’s had it pretty rough.
I really hope those incredibly attractive, super rich white kids can find a way to make their love work through all the problems they must have.
Lacrosse: The other sport with a stick
This makes quidditch look dignified.
If Token Black Guy is reading this, remind me to bring up our plan to dominate Lacrosse at the next meeting.
If you had asked me to imagine a movie starring people named ‘Kellan’ and ‘Chord’ I would have assumed we were talking about a Good Burger reboot. Fuck you, the truth.
TBG will be here. He always shows up late.
@Fek, more like “Scared Shirtless”, amirite?!?!!!?!?
This is just like Twilight except instead turning into wolves, every night the
mud peopleethnic minorities become bears.This hit every beat of the classic ‘hey rich white people have it just as tough as minorities’ story so perfectly I was genuinely surprised when it got to the end of the trailer and the movie wasn’t called ‘Trail of Tears’.
Kellan Lutz is the pox blanket of a new generation.
The White Man gave the Red Man alcohol, turning them into miserable drunks. The Red Man gave the White Man Lacrosse, turning them into insufferable douchebags.
Who had the last laugh?
He may have been a twink with a glove on a stick, running through a field, trying to catch a ball… but what he really caught… WAS MAH HART
Because he’s not the hero White Suberbia deserves, or even the one it needs…..he’s the hero that would do this movie for under $200k.
Poor Connor, his dad wanted him to go to Princeton, where he was offered a full scholarship, but he’d rather go to Stanford who also offered him a full scholarship. You guys just don’t know what kind of pressure he’s under.
Dances with Glow Sticks
Usually you’ve got to ingest dangerous amounts of Miller High Life to see this kind of Bro on Bro action. It is the champagne of beers after all, bromance is bound to blossom.
In the first draft of that locker room scene, every line began with ‘No homo, but…’
High School Sports Movie: Lacrosse Edition. Mid-twenties actors playing 17 year olds, sports, starting player conflict, love story with cheerleader, parental issues, rebellious behavior, eventual acceptance. I’ve seen this movie, but am willing to shell out $12 for the Native American twist.
Man, there was a lot of brofanity in that clip.
Last of the Motwinkin’s
Now, look what we have here before us. We got the Saracens sitting next to the Jones Street Boys. We’ve got the Moonrunners right by the Van Cortlandt Rangers. Nobody is wasting nobody. Hold on. Fuck off a minute. Who invited the Lacrosse team? Waste those cornbread motherfuckers.
Finally, a movie from the point of view of the 1%. I’ll occupy that movie theater.
@Dingus–and then the Red Man opened casinos, where they gambled that lacrosse would douchefy the White Man. “Always bet on Red. To make White more dickish.”
If they really wanted to give the character a yuppie name, they should have gone with Kellan.
/”Let’s name our daughter after a borough where she’d never deign to live.”
After Brooklyn, he went for some Bronx tail.
When playing an Indian team, the best strategy is to give your opponents small pox.
Now, now, the Red Man taught the Puritan the joy of shirtlessness. Embrace the magic of Thanksgiving you cruel bastards.
This makes me sad.
Vince, once you saw that Ashley Greene was barely in this trailer, I certainly hope you shouted “WHERE BROOKLYN AT! WHERE BROOKLYN AT! WHERE BROOKLYN AT! WHERE BROOKLYN AT!!
They don’t call him Biggie Thumbs for nothing, aSchmo.
What, no one brave enough to say it? Fine, I’ll do it, pussies. Kellen Putz. Yeah, I said it, what? WHAT?
Too soon.
@Charlie Br0nze . . . delightful movie quote, sir.
Glad to see that my streak of masterbating to Ashley Greene without ever seeing one of her films will continue for at least another few months.
LaxBro 1: And then he taught me to accept others, a concept the Native Americans call… “Maize.”
LaxBrow 2: (Ignores him, picks up lacrosse stick and uses it to throw baseball at brown kid walking by) DANGLESNIPE, BRAH!
Poor Adam Beach. Motherfucker gets a Best Supporting Actor nomination and still ends up as the wise ole injun stereotype in a Wal-Mart movie.
SMASH CUT TO: Kristen Stewart being hailed as one of the great actresses of our generation.
Instead of the soldier dad getting dead, I’d like to see a gas line explosion at the house, followed by the kid waking up in the hospital:
“Doc, what the hell is going on? Is my family okay? My girlfriend, how is–”
“Son you lost a nut.”
And then he just starts wrecking shit and a wise ol’ Navajo security guard tasers him.
Goddammit, they should come right out and title the thing “The Double Dutch Rudders”
It is hard to top the homoeroticism in the 80s. Top Gun aside, there’s always Rad: [www.youtube.com]. Pfft, “hard to top”.
Brooklyn’s Dad: “I thought I asked you to stay away from him. He just buried his DAD. He’s not stable right now.”
Even though there’s nothing about the guy the father should disapprove of, the movie still drums up the old “Dad disapproves” horseshit. He ain’t even from the wrong side of the tracks! I can’t wait to use this knowledge of female desire to subliminally choose my daughter’s boyfriends for her. Thank you, Walmart!
This should be renamed : The boy who’s arms and arse and head fell off
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will ever top this homoerotic gem: [www.youtube.com]
Lacrosse: it ain’t rape if you know her.
Isn’t Warrior one of the big brands for lacrosse equipment? Lots of synergy here, you guys.