This month, Darren Aronofsky will be heading the jury at the Margaret Mead Film Festival, judging seven documentary filmmakers vying for the Margaret Mead Filmmaker Award. He recently sat down for an interview the New York Times’ Arts Beat, and of course he talked about art and going to Harvard and the state of documentary today, but the important thing is that I cherry-picked some out-of-context quotes to fit the fictional persona I’ve created for him based on the banner picture: DARREN ARONOFSKY: Tribeca’s gabbyest soccer mom.

ARONOFSKY: Reality television is an extension of documentary as well, and that’s taken over TV. From “Cops” to “Storage Wars,” it’s basically that. It’s hard to make narrative that rings really truthful. And now dramatic, independent films are really disappearing and dying, and most narrative films are these real high-end fantasy superhero films that don’t exist.  There’s something amazing about seeing real people in real, dramatic situations. And that can be “I Used to Be Fat,” [laughs] which is a great, great, great show.

NYT: I’m sure MTV will be thrilled to have your endorsement.

I’m a big fan of it. They have all these shows on MTV now, you can’t keep your eyes off them. It just all comes out of that. [...] I saw the George Harrison film [directed by Martin Scorsese] which was fantastic, but I’m not interested in the found-footage, talking-head type of documentary. My taste was always with the vérité. The Kardashian form of documentary.

“Oh em gee, girl! I’m totes all about I Used to be Fat and Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Sometimes I’ll just be so wiped from pilates that all I want to do is just, like, VEG OUT in front the Real Housewives and eat like a billion pounds of Pink Berry. That Camille is such. a bitch. Ooh, I’m so bad! ANYWAYS, gotta go, girl, love your body (*kiss sound*).”