"I don't know... let's try getting some more sluts in the frame."
I hope you all saved up money for tickets and commemorative t-shirts, because the Brett Ratner Kinda Sorta Apology Tour is in full swing. You may remember in the last two days how good ol’ Ratface talked about “banging” Olivia Munn back before she was Asian, and endearingly pointed out to a crowded theater that “rehearsal is for f*gs.” Well, now he wants you to know he’s sorry. A little. You know, if you took it wrong. Pussy.
First, his statement on using a gay slur:
“I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb way of expressing myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.”
As a storyteller? AS A STORYTELLER? Whoawhoawhoa. Pump the brakes, bub. A drunk with a bullhorn tells more subtle and evocative stories than Brett Ratner. It’s like Hooters calling itself a three star French restaurant. And I love the classic “sorry if you were offended” tone. The whole statement might as well say, “Sorry if you homos got mad. I love you guys, really. You’re great to have around so ladies let their guard down. I’ll be more awesome next time. Love (not like that, ew), Ratsy.”
Anyway, even after his thoughtful and heartfelt apology, a bunch of powerful voices in the movie industry and the media made waves about how Ratner should be fired or asked to step down from his gig producing the Oscars. Yesterday, the Academy president released this statement backing him. From EW.com:
Academy president Tom Sherak tells Deadline that Ratner’s use of a gay slur was “inappropriate…dumb and insensitive,” and that “this won’t and can’t happen again.” He goes on to note that “the apology [Ratner] gave I truly believe comes from his heart. If I didn’t believe it, I would do something about it. This is about integrity and honoring the Academy Awards, but we all make mistakes and I believe he didn’t mean it.”
Brett Ratner’s ability to escape harm and continually fall upward despite being a world class goon is breathtaking. The man is like the jamook Forrest Gump. I don’t know if we as a society should be horrified or bronze his neckbeard and hang it in a museum.
Ratner also went on Howard Stern yesterday to discuss Shrimpsterbationgate. Turns out it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently Olivia Munn told him he wasn’t the “fat, slobby, smug, and ridiculously rich and famous blockbuster film director” who masturbated in front of her while holding a shrimp, which is a hilariously specific thing for Ratner to have admitted doing if he didn’t actually do it. I mean, how many women do you have to masturbate in front of while holding a shrimp before you hear an accusation like this and are all, “Yup, it was probably me”? Five? Ten? One hundred? I don’t even know. I’m legitimately curious.
During the course of the interview, he apologized for talking about how he “banged her a couple times,” saying ““She’s actually talented. The problem is I made her look like she’s a whore.” He went on to add (I imagine), “Not that whores can’t be talented. Believe me, I know some very talented whores. What, you don’t have a Rolodex full of highly skilled prostitutes? What are you, a queer?”
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/51/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/BRO-SHERRIF-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/Ricky-Martin-Glaad-awards-Ratner-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/Big-Bird-Oscars-150x150.png)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/Oscars-Snow-White-1989-rob-lowe-150x150.jpg)
A drunk with a bullhorn tells more subtle and evocative stories than Brett Ratner.
Yeah, but drunks cannot afford to jerk it with cocktail shrimp and often resort to canned sardines. Or gaH!
I HAVE A SUBTLE AND EVOCATIVE STORY ABOUT PENN STATE!!!
“At first I thought it sounded like me, but I’m more of a dribbler, and they were prawns.”
He told me a story once about a Dorito named Julio who wanted to swim in mayonaise. Tale as old as time my brother. Tale as old as time.
As big of a douche as Ratner is this just reminds me of how much I hate GLAAD. Oh you’re going to “work with Ratner’s people for more action”? I’m sure that’ll be the final nail in the coffin in fully eradicating homophobia.
It’s unfair to call Olivia a whore, unless “whore” is preceded by “attention.”
Really, they’re both awful. Hollywood needs to institute a Thunderdome policy for this sort of thing. Two douchebags enter, one douchebag leaves.
He goes on to note that “the apology [Ratner] gave I truly believe comes from his heart.
And by that he means the apology was covered in arterial plaque
When is this greasy fuck going to do a movie with Katherine Heigl? It makes perfect sense: She can star in something that demeans women (it is a Ratner film, after all), only to later claim that she was appalled by the whole experience and is the paragon of feminist virtue. Meanwhile he can crank out another shrimp-speckled pile of shit while allegedly getting to make art and fuck another Hollywood actress. Now, I’m not saying Heigl deserves to get raped, but when you star in a Brett Ratner film, it comes with certain expectations. The possible Filmdrunk comments section alone is enough for me to want this.
Kindling, I meant kindling you guys. Sheesh.
Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body.
“Well that’s not entirely true, I am prejudiced against any nacho dip that isn’t Creamy Mexican”
Not only does he not have a racist bone in his body, he actually doesn’t have any bones. He is just a congealed mass of nachos and fired shrimp that became semi-sentient. True Story.
Morty, that might be the best idea I’ve ever heard.
“Look, I’m sorry, but you can’t expect me to remember every chick I was banging, and all of their ethnicities, and what appetizers I was holding while jerking off to them, like some kind of fag. Now, that’s how you apologize! Boom!”
-Brett Ratner
TMZ is now reporting that Dr Conrad Murray’s appeal will center around the theory that Michael Jackson actually died from anaphylactic shock due to an undiagnosed allergy to shellfish.
I keep looking at the banner pic thinking, ‘invizibul goatse.’
I bet when he parties with R. Kelly he orders the Poo Poo Platter.
I have a shellfish allergy, which is just one more reason why Ratner and I can never be friends.
If you ever hear him order the Jerk Chicken GET OUT OF THE ROOM!
I feel like we’re getting closer and closer to seeing “The Running Man” become an actual reality/gameshow. Which means we’re getting a little bit closer to seeing “The Running Man: Celebrity Edition”, too!… Brett Ratner as the motorcycle-riding “Buttersaw”, Michael Bay as “*Explosion noise*-namo” and Joe Son as “Prof. Gunrape”
I’ll only bang you if you’re not yet Asian, Fags!
Seriously? Since before I was in high school, “That’s gay” has been a euphemism for “That’s lame”. Remember the hug scene in Bill and Ted, where they step away from each other and say “Fag!”?
Granted, most people stop talking that way when they grow up, but I don’t see Ratner as having done anything more than being juvenile. Would it have been ok if he said “Rehearsal is for pussies!”
I bet nobody would have batted an eye, even though he would have meant the same thing. Ratner is a turd, but maybe we all need to stop being so hypersensitive. Maybe THAT is the problem.
Oh no. I’ve probably offended the National Turd Council. Sorry guys. My bad.
Hey, back off! Brett Ratner is the pampered son of wealthy Jewish socialites and had to endure a childhood of ridicule and scorn growing up in a posh Miami suburb. Do you know what it’s like to fit the stereotype of “privileged Jew”? It ain’t easy. He began experimenting with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor films in his youth, but didn’t become a full-blown wigger until he got mixed up with minstrelsy in his college years at Tisch. His Rush Hour pastiche is representative of this internal struggle.
“But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about…”
Casting
Comedy
Plot Lines
Subtext
The rising cost of shrimp
“As a storyteller, I should have realized no one would understand the nuance of something being ‘for fags’ without a young black man first asserting his control over what is played on the radio.”
Drunk with a bullhorn? You must be a Tucker Max fan.
I’d be curious to hear what Tom Cruise thinks about rehearsals
In her description of the greasy director Olivia “Olivier” Minn she said he had a notably small phallus. Brett Ratner just admitted, aside from probably being a serial mastercrustateabator, that he has a micropenis.
It explains a lot, actually. All of the frat boy bullshit, his fondness for pre-ops. Chris Tucker.