YER CHANGIN' THAT HORSE'S LAAHFE!
After the jump I’ve got the first full-length, theatrical trailer for the Steven Spielberg-directed War Horse, opening just in time for Christmas. With a script by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis, who have credits on Billy Elliot and Love Actually between them, it looks like either the epic Oscar-bait crowd-pleaser all the dorks on the internet think it is, or the most hilariously bloated act of unintentional self-parody the world has ever seen. The title cards read:
…Tested by battle
…Touched by kindness
…This January
Hope Survives.
MOVE OVER, MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR.! THERE’S A NEW DOLPHIN IN TOWN, AND HIS NAME IS WAR HORSE!
First lines of dialog:
“Wot is it?”
“It’s an ‘orse dey found wandrin about in no man’s land.”
“What koind of an ‘orse?”
“The miraculous koind, would be moy guess.”
Okay, first of all, who asks “what kind of a horse?” What are you, a horse doctor? It’s a f*cking horse. Four hoofs and a tail. What were you looking for, a social security number?
Next scene: a kid sees a majestic horse in a pasture.
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Vince, I don’t ask alot of you. In fact, we’ve never even met face to face. But really, you couldn’t have given your public a single animated gif of Morgan Freeman holding up a photo of a horse? I’d even settle for just a plain ‘ol photoshop of the still picture, I really would
Bobcat Goldthwait’s got to be pissed he wasn’t asked to be in this.
Say there, War Horse. Have ya seen Kyle? He’s about yay-tall…
I presume horse lovers will be glued to the screen
Fixed for historical accuracy:
“What is it?”
“It’s a horse we found wandering around No Man’s Land.”
“Great! Let’s eat it!”
“HUZZAH!!”
That reminds me of my pet horse from my childhood, Alpo. Daddy named him. He wasn’t around long. Daddy said he ran away.
Can’t wait for the inevitable reboot or better yet, the gritty update. My Friend Mothaflicka. This summer, Horses be jumpin’ and shit.
“What kind of horse?”
“Brown, physically and emotionally traumatized. Is brimming with hope. Found it in no-man’s-land.”
“It’s from France?! Shit-a-loaf Clyde! Sounds like dog food to me.” [mumbling, walking away] “…seriously, fuck that frog piece of shit, kiss my stones…”
Schindler’s Lipizzaner
Facebook loooooooves horses. I’m sure she’ll try her best to drag me to this.
I don’t know if I could sit through it without laughing.
Unless this ends with Vanilla Ice jumping a fence with his magic motorcycle and breaking the horse’s neck, I’ll be forced to break my own.
The last remotely good project Spielberg was involved in was True Grit, as executive producer. As a director, you have to go all the way back to 2005 to find something that wasn’t a steaming pile of shit (Munich).
The only way I’m seeing this is if in the after-the-credits scene a group of actually good directors swear on a stack of revolvers they will never turn into the next Spielberg. I would rather watch Equus with a bestiality dominatrix.
I saw a war horse down in Tijuana but it was doing all the riding.
After what this horse went through, I hope it’s stable, able to reign in anything that would stall it’s recovery, and doesn’t go hay wire and get put out to pasture. The mane thing is to get back in the saddle and for the owner to get off their high horse and share this tail.
And jesus fucking christ, Vancey, “What kind of a horse”? It’s nineteen hundred and hobbadehoy, all they talked about was horses and horse-like women.
Do me a favor and run from the cops if you ever witness a hit and run.
I said good neigh, sir!
Shit! I was halfway through the damn trailer before I realized this wasn’t “Sex in the City 3: War Whores”.
@Shop Here’s how Spielberg would direct that scene:
“Yeah, so I saw this chick get nailed by a car, and the guy drove off.”
“What kind of a car was it?”
“…It was a fuckin’ bad luck car if you ask me, bro.”
I’d see that Spielberg film.
Is Steve just trying to kneecap Traveller like he directed Dante’s Peak? or Deep Impact or something? What a prick.
So, what I got out of that is the rich daughter falls for the stable boy but gets shunned because he likes to fuck damaged horses like they are strippers.
Yes?
First picture: “Horse, you must swear allegiance to mein furher! Undt no rides for der juden.”
And that riding-alongside-the-car shit is stolen from Diner.
This is Not War Whores: XXX
So… the horse doesn’t have machine guns and a flamethrower strapped to him?
This title MISLEADING BULLSHIT.
Poor horse. I bet it is wracked with night mares.
Holy fuck does that look terrible. The horse just fired his agent. I hope the “Be brave be brave be brave” guy gets Christopher Reeved.
No man’s land sounds like a perfectly acceptable place for a horse.
…Tested by the simplest of cognitive tasks and not even slightly aware of human nature
…Easily outsmarted by a fence
…This January
A stupid movie comes out.
“Nice shoes, asshole.”
“Hey War Horse–why the long face?”
With the world at war, only one horse can heal a neightion.
Should’ve been directed by Michael Bay.
Jesus Christ, Janusz Kaminski! Are you shitting me with those shots?
gadzooks…
Pony Tale.
DUUHHHHH.
Wonder what you get if you breed a War Horse with a War Ass.
War horse, warhead
Fuck ‘em man, white knuckle tight
Through black and white
So give me fuel,
Give me fire,
burn this movie that is crap.
Wow, I guess Friendship really IS Magic!
I’ll wait for the sequel, War Horse vs. Mecha Horse.