This Week in Posters: Twilight, The Muppets, horrible Brett Ratner posters, when diagonals attack, PLUS -- VAMPIRE DOG!
This Poster: Holy hell, that is the gayest Mervyn's ad I've ever seen. Ever noticed how these movies are creepy for all the wrong reasons? Like, you can tell they're going for goth-vampire creepy, but really they're just dinner-with-conservative-relatives creepy? I was scrolled all the way to the right on my screen, thinking Fruitcake Cullen over there trying to look hard in a purple scarf (to say nothing of the Anne Taylor sweater and wallet chain) was the gayest thing I'd ever seen. But then I scrolled back to the left and saw Kellen Lutz looking gayer than I could even believe. "Hey, Bro, does my see-through sweater match my big leather wrist cuff?"
You know how some 50s sci-fi movies are cool because they're this antiquated idea of what the future would be like? Twilight is kind of like that, but more like "hip goth" as filtered through this dowdy Midwestern woman. Also, I don't know which Hollywood costume designer I can talk to about this, but being comically overaccessorized does not make you more important. I think this is somehow Johnny Depp's fault.
Here's the first of a batch of posters for Brett Ratner's Tower Heist (which, as a tipster pointed out, totall has a newfangled record scratch sound effect in the trailer). These dumb diagonal-for-no-good-reason posters are a great example of why Brett Ratner's movies are so crappy. It's not so much that they're poorly-made or confusing, it's more that you can tell that they're just this scenester D-bag throwing together all the things he thinks are TOTALLY HIP RIGHT NOW, BRO! Is there a reason these posters need to be diagonal? Not a functional reason, but the reason is... BECAUSE DIAGONAL IS TOTALLY HOT RIGHT NOW, BRO!
15-second mark. We could pretend like that's not a record scratch sound effect because it's all newfangled sounding, but that's still a record scratch.
Here's the poster for the new Farrelly Brothers Three Stooges movie, starring the A-List triumvirate of Will Sasso (Curly), Sean Hayes from Will and Grace (Larry), and Chris Diamontopoulos (Moe). As for the poster, it looks like they pulled that tagline out of a pillow case marked "generic taglines."
I imagine it was even money between "Just Say Moe" and "Got Moe."
But, uh... is anyone else totally confused? Vampires bite. Dogs bite. So why is a dog that's also a vampire "All bark... no bite!"? And why the exclamation point? Is that be a selling point? "It's chocolate cake, that's neither chocolate nor cakey!"
Are we sure they didn't create another poster for "Toothless Dog" and then get the two mixed up? What the f*ck is going on here? (I didn't find a trailer, but I did find this).
Anyway, I'll say this for it, it's still scarier than Twilight.
A dog riding in a sidecar? Shiver me timbers, that's wacky! I hope Cap'm Haddock over there is pointing at a big wedding cake they're about to crash into. Then the next shot will be them all covered in frosting, when Tin Tin shrugs and says, "Here we go again!" (*wah wah wah*)
It's a pretty scary poster, I guess. But it would've been just as scary to put Daniel Radcliffe in it (who stars in the film). That bug-eyed, lurky goon scares the crap out of me every time he opens his mouth.
I can't read that tagline without hearing "Mommy's Little Monster" by Social D, which is... good? I don't know. Also, I know England is the mother country and the language is named after them and all, and there are plenty of instances in which I'm perfectly willing to concede that the English version of something is preferable to the American, but saying "Mummy" over "Mommy" is not one of them. First of all, what would happen if an actual mummy attacked England? They'd be screwed. It would just be confusing. You're tempting fate, England.
Here we have the Russian poster for Joel Schumacher's Trespass. Nic Cage's forehead has never looked more unnatural! I especially like how the dude in the ski mask back there is just mesmerized by the text.
- "I like what you've done with the poster, Simmons, but I wonder... is there a way to let people know that that's Johnny Depp?"
- "Well, sir, I guess we could put a framed picture of him in the foreground, but..."
- "PERFECT! Start making that one up."
- "But, sir, it doesn't make sense. I mean, why would a guy have a framed picture of himself in a hotel room? And why would it have a bullet hole in it, there aren't even guns in this movie--"
- "Shhh (*finger over mouth*) Don't speak."
Ooh, an alternate-history movie, that could be cool. And look at that longing in her eyes. Ten bucks says Britain isn't the only thing that gets occupied, gnome sayin? (I'm talking about that chick's box).
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that title is French for "Boot Cat," right? Romance languages are so blunt.
I'm tired of my children being corrupted by these stupid, sexy, slinky female cats running around wearing f-me boots with no pants. IT'S OBSCENE, I TELL YOU! IT'S NOT NATURAL!
Look at that quote, right there on top of the poster. Somewhere, Armond White is silently cursing his arch-nemesis, J. Hoberman, that pompous, pontificating, bourgeois f*ck. Like anyone respects his opinion. He wouldn't recognize genius if it flicked a booger on him at the last meeting of the New York Film Critics Circle.
Ooh, look at me, I'm so painfully Bohemian. I'm gonna go take an upside down picture of a flower and pretend it's super artsy. Here look, I painted you a picture of an orange square.
Well I love Colin Farrell, so a sassy chick with bangs has to be just icing on the cake, right? Wait, is that Keira Knightley? Because it doesn't look much like Keira Knightley. I can't recognize her if she's not doing that weird thing with her mouth.
Hysteria is about the guys who invented the vibrator (trailer here), and if you ask me, the poster's backwards. The top should be the chick having her "hysteria" cured with some deep drilling like in the bottom picture. Then the bottom would be the "after" picture that's on top, with the chick who's all confident and boner-hungry now.
LIAM NEESON FIGHTING WOLVES WITH BROKEN BOTTLES TAPED TO HIS FISTS!
"Bring it on, ya mangy fooker!"
"What's hidden in snow, comes forth in the thaw."
And what's hidden in the snow? I'm guessing rape. Lots and lots of rape.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T PUT 'CANCER' ON THE POSTER! Really, is just mentioning cancer that big of a turn off? We all know it exists. Michael Vick plays with pink gloves to remind us of breast cancer. Let's try to be adults about this, can't we?
Anyway, I really loved this movie. That is all.
I feel like these days, if you're making a horror movie, it's like ordering off a menu with three entreés. "Welcome to the horror movie plot cafe. What's it gonna be, pal? Demonic possession, creepy kid, or haunted house?"
Oh thank God, someone finally made a movie about alien invasion. The top of the poster is legit. Not sure about the burning diagonal city at the bottom though, that seems almost like stock footage. You stick Steven Seagal in a dumb outfit with an awesome tagline in there and you've got yourself a Steven Seagal movie. You stick a silly tagline with an interracial cop team in there, you've got yourself a Brett Ratner movie. Versatile, I guess you could call it.
I posted the trailer for this the other day. It looks like it could have potential. Still couldn't resist the diagonal city though, huh?
That Andy Serkis, so talented.
This caricature is racist against Britons. The jug ears, the long neck, the pug nose, pale skin, and goofy face -- it's like an English minstrel show. He might as well be chugging tea and chowing crumpets and chucking soccer balls.
I still think "Ellen Burstin'" would be a great porn name.
Sidenote: the newest trailer doesn't go two seconds before the girl chipmunks start singing "I Whip My Tail Back and Forth," to the tune of the Willow Smith song. It must suck to be a parent these days. It's like they're daring you to kill yourself.
[posters via IMPA]