This Week in Posters: Twilight, Muppets, and Diagonals Oh My!

Here's the first of a batch of posters for Brett Ratner's Tower Heist (which, as a tipster pointed out, totall has a newfangled record scratch sound effect in the trailer). These dumb diagonal-for-no-good-reason posters are a great example of why Brett Ratner's movies are so crappy. It's not so much that they're poorly-made or confusing, it's more that you can tell that they're just this scenester D-bag throwing together all the things he thinks are TOTALLY HIP RIGHT NOW, BRO! Is there a reason these posters need to be diagonal? Not a functional reason, but the reason is... BECAUSE DIAGONAL IS TOTALLY HOT RIGHT NOW, BRO!

15-second mark. We could pretend like that's not a record scratch sound effect because it's all newfangled sounding, but that's still a record scratch.

The name's Bueller. Ferris Bueller. Why yes, I could like the waist taken out in these pants. Bueller likes to be comfy.

"We've taken their diagonal building and added a dog in a sweater. Let's see if anyone notices!"

Here's the poster for the new Farrelly Brothers Three Stooges movie, starring the A-List triumvirate of Will Sasso (Curly), Sean Hayes from Will and Grace (Larry), and Chris Diamontopoulos (Moe). As for the poster, it looks like they pulled that tagline out of a pillow case marked "generic taglines."

I imagine it was even money between "Just Say Moe" and "Got Moe."

A dog riding in a sidecar? Shiver me timbers, that's wacky! I hope Cap'm Haddock over there is pointing at a big wedding cake they're about to crash into. Then the next shot will be them all covered in frosting, when Tin Tin shrugs and says, "Here we go again!" (*wah wah wah*)

I can't read that tagline without hearing "Mommy's Little Monster" by Social D, which is... good? I don't know. Also, I know England is the mother country and the language is named after them and all, and there are plenty of instances in which I'm perfectly willing to concede that the English version of something is preferable to the American, but saying "Mummy" over "Mommy" is not one of them. First of all, what would happen if an actual mummy attacked England? They'd be screwed. It would just be confusing. You're tempting fate, England.

Well this certainly looks like a TV movie.

See, now this poster is the opposite of that last one. This one makes me go, "ooh, what's Snow on tha Bluff?" and go look it up.

Ooh, an alternate-history movie, that could be cool. And look at that longing in her eyes. Ten bucks says Britain isn't the only thing that gets occupied, gnome sayin? (I'm talking about that chick's box).

I'm tired of my children being corrupted by these stupid, sexy, slinky female cats running around wearing f-me boots with no pants. IT'S OBSCENE, I TELL YOU! IT'S NOT NATURAL!

Oh hell yeah Gonzo in pink sequins. I've gone gonzo in pink sequins myself on a few occasions, I'd recommend it.

Look at that quote, right there on top of the poster. Somewhere, Armond White is silently cursing his arch-nemesis, J. Hoberman, that pompous, pontificating, bourgeois f*ck. Like anyone respects his opinion. He wouldn't recognize genius if it flicked a booger on him at the last meeting of the New York Film Critics Circle.

Well I love Colin Farrell, so a sassy chick with bangs has to be just icing on the cake, right? Wait, is that Keira Knightley? Because it doesn't look much like Keira Knightley. I can't recognize her if she's not doing that weird thing with her mouth.

This Summer... Good-looking white people! And one of them has a gun!

Hey, remember Back to the Future?

I'm not going to lie, this poster is pretty legit. But you really need only one image to sell this film:

LIAM NEESON FIGHTING WOLVES WITH BROKEN BOTTLES TAPED TO HIS FISTS!

"Bring it on, ya mangy fooker!"

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T PUT 'CANCER' ON THE POSTER! Really, is just mentioning cancer that big of a turn off? We all know it exists. Michael Vick plays with pink gloves to remind us of breast cancer. Let's try to be adults about this, can't we?

Anyway, I really loved this movie. That is all.

This poster seems wildly racist.

Oh, George Clooney, I could watch you stare at the ocean and brood all day.

I know the only difference between this and Independence Day is that this takes place in Russia, but still, that's a pretty legit poster.

Hey, remember Buried? What this movie presupposes is, what if it starred Kevin Sorbo?

So we're just gonna follow this baby chimp around for a day? Yeah, I'd watch that.

That Andy Serkis, so talented.

This caricature is racist against Britons. The jug ears, the long neck, the pug nose, pale skin, and goofy face -- it's like an English minstrel show. He might as well be chugging tea and chowing crumpets and chucking soccer balls.

Oh, sunglasses on kids' movie characters, will you ever stop being cool?

Sidenote: the newest trailer doesn't go two seconds before the girl chipmunks start singing "I Whip My Tail Back and Forth," to the tune of the Willow Smith song. It must suck to be a parent these days. It's like they're daring you to kill yourself.