J. Edgar Hoover gets out of his chair and straightens his tie, approaching the podium. He smooths his heavily pomaded hair. His hands hit the podium as he leans slowly towards the microphone, preparing to speak. The room is silent. Somewhere in the background, someone coughs.
HOOVER: "....Caaaaake."
SENATOR MOYNIHAN: "...Director Hoover?"
HOOVER:"Caaaaake."
The crowd murmurs, the Vice President bangs his gavel, demanding order.
SENATOR MOYNIHAN: "Director Hoover, do you mean to say that--"
HOOVER: "CAAAAAAAAAAAAKE." (*he pounds his hand on the podium*) "CAKE!"
The crowd applauds. Credits roll. Fin.
"I! Am! The law!" Wait, that's from a different movie. Sorry.
WE'LL PROTACT YOU FROM DA WOLVES, BALLA! ADWURD OF DA LONG PANTZ WILL ROLLZ UP HIS SLEEVES AND DA LLAMA WILL SHOW THAM TATTOO. DA BALLA WOLF HATE TATTOO LLAMA!
[WARNING: This next poster includes sound.]
Here's the fancy "motion poster" for Lars Von Trier's Melancholia. Motion posters are totally the new thing. They're sort of like the gif animation's pretentious cousin. Where a gif animation (generally of boobs bouncing or a man getting hit in the groin) is a limerick, a motion poster is like one of your freshman English seminar poems that doesn't rhyme and uses the word "duality" like six times.
As for the actual poster... Well let's just say... I bet that's not the first time dis broad's had a constellation drawn on her face wit white dots, you know what ah'm sayin'? EH! OH! /Andrew Dice FilmDrunk.
I never read Wuthering Heights, but based on this poster, I have to assume that it's like The Notebook. Rain. Love. Chicks. Also, if they'd just put an umlaut in there, it'd sound way more metal. Wüthering Heights. See? Now guys might actually want to see it.
Also, have you ever noticed they always seem to pick critic quotes that don't really mean anything? "A beautiful beast of a movie?" What am I supposed to get out of that?
Get it? The "Hotdocs" logo (top right) has a speech bubble for an O, to illustrate that these are the movies people are talking about, you see. But not that much, because only one O of "Hotdocs" has a speech bubble. I mean, people talk about these movies, but it's not like they just babble and babble and won't shut up, you know? Call it lively conversation. But not, like, pathological conversation, you know? This movie's not needy or anything, just a pleasant conversationalist.
Anyway, I kinda like the poster. Though I think it'd be more effective if the Santa Claus guy was carrying a baseball bat with a nail sticking out of it. Right now, the answer to "how far would you go to protect your land" seems to be "well I'd sure as hell wear some suspenders and stare off into space, that's for sure." But say the answer was "I'd crush some skulls with mah nailstick," I think more people would want to see that film. Just a thought.
If this were my bed, it'd be full of crumpled up tissues. Or just a picture of the jack-off couch. Or a picture of any facet of my life, really. The caption still applies.
I really hope Carey Mulligan plays something besides the Sad Pouty Elf character she's been doing.
...Fassbender? I hardly know 'er! (*dodges tomato*)
DREAMWORKS FACE! DREAMWORKS FACE! Haha, I knew you bastards couldn't hold out much longer. Dreamworks animators love drawing one eyebrow higher than the other like Gary Busey loves the smell of coyote fur.
Between it saying "KITTY" in big letters at the top and having "PUSS" in the title and the slinky, blue-eyed cat wearing f*ck-me boots, I'd argue this is sexual enough to be logo for a men's magazine or a strip club or one of those old naughty computer games. It looks way sexier than the Playboy bunny.
That cat looks like a slut, is all I'm saying. She wears boots and a sword but no bra or panties? Or is that considered a crotchless sword belt? Either way, that cat's asking for it.
You can tell this one's a dude because he's wearing a cape and a feather in his cap. Wait, what? On a serious note, it's pretty impressive that I can tell this one is a dude and the last slide is a chick when they're almost identical. I don't know how they do that.
I don't know what a milky, attractive, shaved lady's crotch has to do with a movie about a retarded guy who masturbates with barbed wire around his penis to the first Human Centipede. Which, let's not forget, is about people sh*tting in each other's mouths. It's like they told the poster designer "make something naughty and wrong," and he did, but without ever seeing or hearing of Human Centipede.
GINA CARANO WILL SIT ON YOUR FACE! WITH GUNS!
They left her no choice... but to sit on that guy's face. He complied, but soon he couldn't do it anymore. "More, more, more!" she demanded, threatening him with a gun. She was a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.
Ooh, cursive and ponytails and timeless love stories, this looks fascinating. (*makes fart noise, heads to tractor pull*)
"The lucky ones died in the blast. The rest had to star in an Xavier Gens movie." Still, at least I know what the movie's about.
That tunnel looks really small.
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Leo looks like Johnny Knoxville in those posters.
“Well fuck all, if you want to watch this… it’s already available wherever torrents are freely given away.” ..is what someone I don’t know just screamed before running away at breakneck speed.
you spelled cock wrong
SHAME…shame I wasn’t there you mean. BOOM!
I’m pretty excited for SHAM. The movie about when the sheet hits the fan. It’s a duvet feature.
“You can be begging for your life, but all they hear is ‘who wants cake?’ They all do. They all want cake.”
I think Humpty is a eunuch. Fat smooth face. No discernible package.
I’m no land surveyor, but if I had to guess just from the perspective, Weebo would go about 100-150 yards to protect his home.
Oh shit Shame is a Steve McQueen film? About time! That lazy cunt hasn’t done ANYTHING lately. Who does he think he is? Daniel Day Lewis?
#3-These photoshops ugly girls do with Pattinson just keep getting worse and worse…
#8-HUMP PUSS, UR WELKUM KIDS
Maybe they can get Rihanna and Vince Shlomi to star in ShamWow!
“Gina, honey, you’re not using that firearm properly…”
-Joe Son
True Story:
My car wouldn’t start this morning so I popped the hood and found Michael Fassbender wrapped in the fan belt – Dude’s in EVERYTHING these days!
If Haywire has nothing to do with bales of hay or methods of securing them then I hope Relativity Media is ready to hear from my lawyer.
You ask me that Fassbender’s a douche. The guy’ll do any movie and yet continues to snub my screenplay “The Fass and Bendurious”. I WROTE IT FOR YOU, JACKASS!!!
Hell, I couldn’t tell the difference between the two cat posters… I think you can thank your Italian side for letting you differentiate between the guy’s hairy chests and the girl’s hairy chests.
I’d fuck that cat.
Will Humpty be the sassy gay friend? Those eyebrows make it 95% likely.
I want to grab Leo by his square J. Edgar Hoover head and yell, “Why don’t you make your J. Edgar Hoover face Leo!? Huh!? Why don’t ya!?”
Wuthering Heights is using the same tagline as Brokeback Mountain. Coincidence? No. They’re both gayer than J. Edgar Hoover driving a Miata to an IKEA.
It’s good to know I’m not the only one that gets all my fonts from dafont.com, yikes.
Jesus, the Twilight poster is even douchebaggier than usual.
The violet background gives away that the first cat is female. For example if there was a picture of Chaz Bono and you were confused as to whether that was a guy or a girl, a violet background would instantly identify Chaz as female, even though that would be a lie, sort of.
I saw a beautiful beast film one time and now they don’t let me into petting zoos.
Awesome, man. Here’s mine: [demonsresume.wordpress.com] (Still no overlap so far!)
Am i the only person that wants to see implied gay-sex in the Hoover movie?
Just thinking about Leo getting railroaded makes me laugh