The Incredible, Interchangeable Films of Steven Seagal: A gallery

Behold, the archetypal Steven Seagal movie poster:

• Three-word title
• Weapon
• Stupid look
• Awesome tagline
• Burning foreign city

God, I hope his name is "Sgt. Tom Dangerous."

Actual synopsis:

After serving 6 years for a crime he didn't commit, Shane Daniels is released from jail with an apology from the State of Arizona. Within hours of his freedom, he unluckily bears witness to a cop killing by Chinese mafia who have a kidnapped girl and a bag of drugmoney. In this action packed thrill ride, Shane agreed to help the girl to get her uncle back to safety.

Another foreign city, but TWO guns this time! My only question: does he play Lt. Jack Force or Colonel Charles Attack?

Actual synopsis:

When MARSHALL LAWSON (Seagal) loses his strike-team in a cold-blooded and seemingly random attack, he takes it upon himself to investigate the suspicious circumstances of the brutal killings. Soon he uncovers CTX Majestic, a covert military operation so secret, that now the military wants Marshall eliminated. Resolute in his pursuit, Marshall engages in a merciless battle with a drug dealer operation that appears to be secretly funded by a rogue arm of the military.

Drug dealers AND the military. THIS ONE GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!

Is that London back there? Oh you know it's gonna burn.

Actual Synopsis:

A hard core Interpol Agent is assigned to an Eastern European task force to target gun trafficking and dope running throughout the Balkans. While investigating a Russian gun dealer, his team is caught in a bloody street war between a Gypsy gang and the Russians, leaving one task force member dead. Fueled with vengeance, he leads us on an action packed thrill ride while avenging his friend's death.

Bonus points: Steven wrote this one himself.

Again, the perfect Seagal poster. Gun, stupid look, burning foreign city (Russian orthodox church?), awesome tagline. Someone's going to the blood bank in this one, I can feel it.

Actual synopsis:

A former Russian mobster named Ruslan, who is now a crime novelist, returns home and discovers his daughter is marrying his arch nemesis. His past also comes back to haunt him when his family is threatened. Hungry for justice, Ruslan returns to the life he once knew...with a vengeance.

A badass crime novelist! God I hope there's a pen-is-mightier-than-the-sword scene in which someone gets stabbed with a pen.

I legitimately LOL'd at this one. I think it was the ankle-length leather trench coat that did it.

Seagal also co-wrote this one. It was directed by a guy named "mink" (lower-case his).

When a government official is killed, an American operative with experience in the Yakuza culture is brought into investigate.

Steven Seagal is... Russell Sun...

Oh I remember this one. I'm pretty sure Seagal has considered himself native American ever since.

Plot summary:

Forrest Taft is an environmental agent who works for the Aegis Oil Company in Alaska. Aegis Oil's corrupt CEO, Michael Jennings, is the kind of person who doesn't care whether or not oil spills into the ocean or onto the land, just as long as it's making money for him. He even makes commercials that make him look like he cares about the environment. Jennings is almost finished with building his new state-of-the art oil rig: AEGIS-1. The problem is that if he doesn't finish building the rig in thirteen days, the land rights will be returned to the Eskimos and the Alaskan government. When Jennings finds out that Taft's best friend Hugh Palmer has a computer disk that contains information about defective equipment on AEGIS-1, he sends out his goons to murder Palmer. When Taft tries to interfere, Jennings tries to kill Taft. But an Eskimo woman named Masu, who introduces Taft to her father Silook, the chief of her tribe, rescues Taft. With Masu's help, Taft begins a trek through the Alaskan wilderness, heading straight for AEGIS-1 and to destroy it before it destroys all of the forest.

(*Seagal jumps from behind tree, kills henchman with garrotte*). "Looks like someone... couldn't see the Forrest for the trees."

I really wish he was retrieving a frozen burrito from the top shelf on the cover of this one.

Billy Ray Lansing, a former covert agent turned survivalist, discovers that the foster program he is using to help a young girl is actually a human trafficking network. Lancing heads overseas to find the girl and shut down the operation.

Billy Ray Lansing. Yes, Steven Seagal was born in Lansing, Michigan. They actually use some form of pornstar naming convention for some of these.

The "I" in that title is supposed to be a meatball sub, I believe. Also, that tagline completes me.

"Steven Seagal IS... Jack Pistol...."

Matt is an elite ex-cop whose life has gone down hill since he was kicked off the Force. After a rough encounter with a mysterious henchman, Matt is brought face to face with his only chance at reclaiming his life and clearing his gambling debt markers. Only after he gets started on his new tasks does he recognize good guy from bad. Meanwhile Matt's love for his only daughter helps him battle one of his greatest enemies, alcoholism.

"Matt?" I'm so disappointed.

Guns, fire, henchmen. But only two words, I can't help but feel gypped.

Roland Sallinger is an LA cop who after nearly being killed by his greedy partner, and eventually being forced to retire for medical reasons, flees to San Antonio, Texas, after being asked to work as a bodyguard for the daughter of a wealthy businessman. The businessman had been a colleague of Sallinger years before, when they were both cops. When mobsters kidnap the businessman's daughter, he hunts them down to rescue her and protect her.

Those medical reasons? You guessed it, a unique physiological reaction to arousal.

IT'S "URBAN" SO HE TURNS THE GUNS SIDEWAYS, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!