Take note, aspiring journalists, THIS is how you write a news lede:

A New York man came up with an unusual plan to hurt his ex-girlfriend: kill a bear, skin it, and then dress up in the carcass and attack her.

Well it worked in Wicker Man, but if Arnold Schwarzenegger from Hercules in New York shows up, you’re f*cked. Let’s see how far he got with this plan. I’m guessing this idea doesn’t last longer than a meth high.

The Associated Press reports that Clyde Gardner, of Malone, N.Y., planned to wear the bear hide and claws to attack his ex-girlfriend and kill her, leaving no trace of his foot or fingerprints at the scene of the crime. The woman, with whom he had a violent, on-again off-again relationship and a child, had recently thrown him out of the house again, the report said.

Okay, well that sounds plausible. “What? *I* didn’t shoot her, it must’ve been a bear. Just look at these tracks!”

Gardner allegedly abandoned the bear plan, however, in favor a more practical one: hiring a hit man.

You don’t say.

According to prosecutors in Franklin County, Malone gave his friend $500 toward a $15,000 payment for crashing into Malone in a car wreck, hopefully killing her on impact. If she survived, he allegedly instructed his friend to take a shard of glass and cut her throat, the AP reported.

The friend went to the police, who orchestrated a string operation and arrested Gardner. He was charged on the murder-for-hire plot.

At trial, Gardner said he was drunk and would have stopped the plan once he sobered up. [ABCNews]

“Yer honor, we both know Ol’ Clyde talks a big game, but it ain’t necessarily true. Why, just five minutes ago I was in the sh*tter tellin’ the janitor, ‘Yeah, well that judge can’t gone tell me sh*t, I’ll tell ‘im ta cram it straight up ‘is ass is what I’ma do.’ And here I am, judge, and I ain’t toldja ta cram it once, have I.”

We should get this guy together with the Nascar streaker who tried to “rescue” a raccoon from the outdoors. Who knows what zany schemes they’d come up with! They’d be like a modern-day Odd Couple.