An Egyptian man claims he was kidnapped and beaten after an Iraqi gang tried to abduct and force him to make a porn movie because he looked like Saddam Hussein, reports Egypt’s Al-Ahram. The craziest part? He’s not even a dwarf.

Mohamed Bishr says he was on his way on Sunday to a café in the bustling downtown area of Egypt’s second city of Alexandria when three men wearing black suits tried to force him into the back of a van.
“The three men, who had guns hanging from their belts, forced me out of my car and shoved me into a van, hitting my head,” Bishr, a devout Muslim, told Ahram’s Arabic portal from his hospital bed.
The incident was short but traumatic. Bishr said the last thing he remembers was the men yelling at each other, and then throwing him out of the van where he hit his face on the pavement.
Bishr’s son, Mahmoud, said that his father had previously met with a group of unidentified people — who spoke Arabic in an Iraqi or Syrian dialect — and had been offered LE2 million pounds (US$333,000) to impersonate the late dictator in a pornographic video. Bishr refused.

When reached for comment, a willing American porn star trying to feed two kids and a meth addiction on $1,000-a-scene for anal said, “$300 grand, are you f*cking kidding me?” Seriously though, a third of a million? To paraphrase the late Robert Schimmel, I’d suck Mike Tyson’s dick in front of my mother for $300 grand.

His son said that after the meeting his father had received several telephone calls threatening him with kidnap if he didn’t change his mind and shoot the Saddam sex tape.
It is believed his kidnappers would have tried to pass off the video recording they made as genuine and sell it to international media. [AlAhram]

Now, even if people thought this porno starred the actual Saddam Hussein, where is this $300 grand coming from? People have YouPorn now. Are they really going to shell out actual to watch a deceased war criminal invade the fertile crescent? This plan sounds about as well thought-out as that scene in Salton Sea where they try to steal Bob Hope’s turd. That said, if they eventually do succeed in making a Saddam porn, I’ve come up with some possible titles:

  • 72 Virgins
  • 72 Vagines
  • 72 Furgins
  • The Fertile Crescent
  • Gulf Invasion
  • Cock and Awe
  • Operation Desert Splooge
  • Ba’ath Party Bath Party
  • Up the Tigris
  • Drillin’ for Oil
  • UN Skanktions
  • SCUD Missile 6
  • Chemical Whorefare
  • Down in the Spider Hole
  • Kurdish Assacre
  • Atrocities

Meanwhile, the story doesn’t end there. The Huffington Post cites a 2010 Washington Post report suggesting the idea of a counterfeit Saddam porn wasn’t so far-fetched, and the CIA had even considered something similar.

During planning for the 2003 invasion of Iraq, the CIA’s Iraq Operations Group kicked around a number of ideas for discrediting Saddam Hussein in the eyes of his people.
One was to create a video purporting to show the Iraqi dictator having sex with a teenage boy, according to two former CIA officials familiar with the project.
“It would look like it was taken by a hidden camera,” said one of the former officials. “Very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping of a sex session.” The idea was to then “flood Iraq with the videos,” the former official said.

My sources say they got as far as a fake mustache and a shaved chest, but the plan failed when the two agents refused to lube up for their country.