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This week on the Frotcast, we brought back fan favorite Joe King to discuss his plans for 30-foot gay falcon movies, the controversy surrounding his “Greatest Tweet of All Time” (#GTOAT), and your film/relationship questions.
Some of your questions included:
- Joe, what’s the worst joke you ever told, or the worst backlash you ever got from an audience?
- [Movie question for the panel] What are some examples of shows or movies you loved as a kid that you know are terrible now?
- [Movie question for the panel] What movie roles do you find impossible to accept considering the actor’s reputation? (Submitter’s example: Ludacris always playing the neutered friend in rom-coms).
- [Relationship question for the panel] How do you get used to your girlfriend’s annoying habits? (Asks submitter whose girlfriend takes hair out of her hairbrush and just drops it on the floor and leaves dead batteries in with the good ones *cough* dealbreaker! *cough, cough*).
YOUR ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT WEEK: In addition to your relationship questions, stories, and comments, which are welcome any time, we’d love to hear your best generic Steven Seagal movie title. Marked for Danger! Sleeping with Justice! Etc. Frotcast@gmail.com
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Weapon of Death!
Grilling with Fire!
Faceful of Punches!
Stranger Danger!
Neckless Endangerment!
Running with Scissors!
Alternate:
A Room with a View Above the Law
Hard to Kill a Mockingbird
Marked for Death in Venice
Under Siege on a Hot Tin Roof
The Glimmer Man Who Wasn’t There
Fire Down Below the Surface of the Earth
Last Exit Wounds to Brooklyn
Delta Punch
Punch in the Delta (“Watch your south!“)
Eager to Punch
Punching- I’m Good At It
Sir Punchalot
Punches the Dragon
Punchy Punchy Kick Kick
Le Punch
Punch X
The Amazing Punchini vs Bin Laden-kun
Punches the Punch-Happy Puncher
Punch, or: The Punching
Punchula
Punchenstein
The Werepuncher (“He punches by night!“)
Punched Out
Sexual Assault in the 2nd Degree… With Punching!!
Do You Punch?
You’ve Got Punch!
I’m punchin’ off the rails on a punchy tray-yain!
Poon-Nanny (It’s like the babysitter, but with less sense of space and time).
Arousal of Curiosity
Curiosity of Arousal
… and The Curious Arousal of the Dog in the Night-Time
Marked For Wounds
Assigned To Sabotage
Three Ninjas Front Kick Back
Sheriff Hard Punch
Target: Hard
Rural Threat Level Alpha
Old White Guy and Black Rapper Karate Hour
Firestorm Beta Protocol
How To Fight and Die in the Nineteenth Century
Ponytail Of Vengeance
Potbelly Powerhouse
Out for an Owie!
Propensity for Density!
Hazardous Material!
Hazardous Material II: Toxic Waist!
Buns ‘n Burner! (buddy cop comedy with generic Wayans brother)
Assignment: Hard to Difficult
Deputy Drop Kick
Romeo and Juliet: The Reckoning (His artsy phase)
Dawg Pound: Ghetto Warfare
I’d like to turn Marked for Death into a franchise:
Marked for Death
Marked for Death II: Marked Harder
Marked for Death III: Marked for Death at a Funeral
Marked for Death IV: Marked for Death Becomes Her (the one with Hillary Swank)
Marked for Death V: Marked for Death in Venice
Marked for Death VI Electric Boogaloo: Mark-up 2 da Streets (with ya boi!)
Marked for Death for Serious (gritty reboot)
Paul Blart Presents Steven Seagal in:
Fart to Kill!
Out for Cupcakes!
Cut the Cheese!
Cut the Cheese II: Dark Territory!
Hard Left Turn
Killer Thrust
Third Down
Rainbow Splatter
Uncontrollable Sneezing
Multiple Abrasions
Corkscrew
Reverse Landing
Wait, are we doing movie titles or unique reactions to arousal?
Revenge for Vengeance
Dying for Death
Fight Hard
Karate Town
But He’s Just The Cook!
Hero Fight
Fight To The Death
Neck Punch
Under Siege III: Yukon Territory
Evil Businessman Attack
Operation MURDER
Bear Fight
Proud Minority Defense League
Attack Team
Squint Battle
Humorous Black Sidekick
Hard to Kill II: Nearly Impossible to Kill
Crosshair’d
Death Surveyor
Justice never Diets
Kimono Deathblow
Neck-Snapless Nights
Junkie Monks: Debirth
Bloodknuckles
Richard Punch: Dirty Fighter
Yellowlense: The Kickening
Now listening. IT’S BLIND FURY YOU ARSEHOLES! GAAH!
(I’m not sure what it says about me that Fek made a ‘Blind Furry’ joke in these here comments a year or more ago that still makes me chuckle on occasion.)
I also yelled “Blind Fury” at my computer. Speaking of which, “Impotent Rage” would be a horrible Seagal movie name because that ain’t his unique physiological reaction, son!
[Sam Jackson voice]
SAY ‘LIKE’ ONE MORE TIME MOTHER FUCKA
His name is Joe King. Holy shit. I get it now.
“Above the Titty”
“Out for Sexual Harrassment Lawsuits”
“Undersiege 47 – Grope Territory”
Steven Seagal in
Seagull Story
Steven Seagal plays a BJ McClean, a young seagull destin for greatness. After learning of his Inuit and Eskimo heritage he must leave the fast pace life of 1994 L.A and find the native land and find out the truth about this family and why he was raised by Japanese Americans that taugh him the way of Akido. Meanwhile, Bobby Lupo, BJ’s long time partner and best friend, is taken by Mendoza Rentarino. Rentarino has always know of BJ’s family background and is trying to use it against him.
Will BJ learn the truth about his family? Will he find Bobby Lupo? Will he score with a hot chick? Will he break people’s bones?
All these questions and more will be answered this Summer with
Seagull Story
Out For Blood, Justice, Money, Marshal Arts Championships
Half Past Death
The Anderson Silva Story: Coach Seagal
Color Blind (Steven Seagal in black face)
Just Right Justice
Steven Seagal Presents: A Night of Blues (At the house of blues)
Other story ideas,
Steven Seagal sex tape, Skullcap Steve, 2F2F with Steven Seagal
Slow clap for Ace. You win all the prizes.
You want generic? Hah, generic’s my middle name:
Death Only Knocks Once:
Officer Julio Knox must stop a vaguely ethnic terrorist cell before they can blow up a community center filled with puppies and the small children who own them by using his signature style of highly edited close up shots of him slapping people and a stunt double with an equally stupid ponytail who can still manage to kick higher than his waistline. Don’t let his gruff, icy exterior or his questionable antics fool you; beneath the surface lies a heart so gooey Joe King would probably jack off to it. When he’s not busy shooting, stabbing, kicking, punching and slapfighting lowlife criminals in their lowlife criminal faces or simultaneously squinting and wheezing at perps, he’s fighting valiantly in an underground MMA tournament in order to pay for his adorably sick daughter’s heart transplant. Somebody calls hims Lionheart in a moment of confusion.
Death Only Knocks Once Again:
Basically the same plot of the first film, but set in Miami; This time Julio Knox teams up with a saucy black guy to fight Cubans, lead by a sadistic but enigmatic druglord named Estaban, on a beach. There’s cocaine, which a precocious streetwise youth that Knox has taken a shine to undoubtedly overdoes on, leading to the films most gripping scene when Seagal is forced to slapfight him back to life while squinting.
Death Only Knocks Thrice:
Seagals gets a jetpack. Fights Cyborg Ninjas.
Death Knocks 4: Look Who’s Knocking:
Steven Seagal reprises his role as grizzled shitkicker/force to be reckon with/bloated tourist Julio Knox as he prepares to be sent back to North Korea to fight once more against the same people who killed his bestfriend during the war. The daughter we had forgotten he has makes her return as a rebellious teenager who moves into his home, turning his life into chaos as he deals, for the first time, with “boy troubles” and finally learns to accept her for who she is despite being at odds with her lifestyle and appearance. And by that I mean he slapfights the shit out of her. The climax of the film comes when he fights his way into a North Korean compound where POW’s are being held and brutally snaps Kim Jong-Il’s neck. Justin Long plays a decaying corpse.
Verb Preposition Noun
Alternatively…
Steven Segal is going to…
Charlie Your Day
Wolf Your Blitzer
“I smear poopy into my my vagina because I like the way undigested corn feels on my clit.” – Kim Kardashian
Since Seagal’s “hit” movies are a given that everyone already knows, I’m gonna do a courtesy for everyone and give you the titles of 10 of his DTV movies he’s made from 2003-2007 (my dad is an avid Seagal fan. Not only does he own these movies, but I’ve seen him watch each of them at least twice). I am not making these up. These are NOT my own ideas/submissions for the contest.
The Foreigner
Belly of the Beast
Into the Sun
Black Dawn
Submerged
Today You Die
Mercenary For Justice
Urban Justice
Pistol Whipped