True story time, you guys: tonight I was in a really crappy mood, and then I started reading back through this week’s comments-nominating post, and all the funny comments made me smile. Well, except for the guy who said I deserved to be hanged, but I admit reporting someone’s untimely death might not be the best occasion for a joke. I’m sorry. I make jokes. It is all I know how to do. You give a beaver some sticks, he’s going to build a dam, he doesn’t think about what’s downstream. Anyway, I think what I was trying to say was that us trying to make each other laugh is a good thing. Or something.

As for this week’s best comments, I think I’m just going to go ahead and award Comment of the Week to the entire thread from Romeo and Juliet porno post. Turns out, making porn jokes out of Shakespeare is what we were born to do. It’s just a shame we’re only finding out now. Here were some of my favorites:

Dean ExMachina says: “Do you wank your cock at us, sir?!”
“No, I do not wank my cock at you sir, but I wank my cock, sir!”

Donkey Hodey says: The Mountadudes and the Copulates, I take it?

Donkey Hodey says: So does anybody have any insight as to how they handle the plot point where Romeo is exiled from the V for stabbing the saucy Tybalt in the heat of passion?

jon_k says: “Good gentle sluts, tempt not a desperate bro.”

Stinky Peet says:
Juliet: Stand not amazed, hence be gone!
* removes fist, realizes his watch is missing *
Romeo: I am fortune’s fool!

Larry says: What light through yonder window breaks? It is the cops, and Juliet is a teen.

DeanExMachina says: I can’t wait for the scene where Romeo kills Titbolt with a f*cksaw.

Bubb Rubb says: “It seems she hangs upon the chin of night like a rich load from an Ethiope’s dong.”

Erswi says:
“O happy dagger, here is thy sheath!”
*points to both their crotches*

Bubb Rubb says: “Oh, true apothecary! Thy drugs cause massive boners!”

So thanks for that. Take a virtual bow while I pile these cyber roses at your feet.

I don’t know what this next one means, but I enjoyed the visual. From Ben Affleck may direct The Stand (factual note — he won’t):

The Mighty Fek’lhr says: When Affleck met with Stephen King, he was 3 days drunk, wearing an eyepatch, and shot King’s corgi because he thought it was a rat stealing cornmeal from a Chinese guy.

This next one, on the other hand, is incredibly specific. It’s from the Grand Opening of Mark Wahlberg’s Wahlburgers restaurant, and it helps to know that the Wahlberg matriarch’s name is “Alma” and that there are nine siblings.

AntichristFox says: Try the Alma, ya hahd on. A nine-egg omelet stuffed with three kinds a sausage and five kinds of whiskey.

That was slow-clap worthy (even if I would’ve spelled it “awmlette”). Elsewhere, Kirk Cameron’s Birthday Party Follow-Up proved fertile commenting ground.

The Mighty Feklahr says: After “Chutes and Brimstone”, everyone gathered around for a game of “Pin The Shame On The Infidel”!

Larry says: Kirk: “Why was there only one set of footprints in the sand behind me?”
Jared: “That party looked lame, yo.”

Stallonewolf says: Looks like the silverware and napkins were LEFT BEHIND!
*Unicycles offstage, falls into lake of fire, laments sinful life*

donna_romper says: In their defense, they ordered on the light side knowing that Tracy Gold probably wouldn’t be eating.

At first I was uneasy about everyone mocking our savior, but that anorexia joke was pretty boss. And speaking of sick parties, there was the new Lisbeth Salander clothing line, and all the totes-hot, rape-chic models:

The Hammer says: Now you too can spend hundreds of dollars to insure no one wants to f*ck you.

Assmode says: Rape: the cool girls are into it.

Ace Rimmer says: Far left: All that gritty rape is merry hell on the sphincter.

I don’t know what that last one meant, but I enjoyed the word play. The following post about The Lorax inspired Larry to write a Seuss rhyme about it:

Larry said:
The live action version should feature Salander models wearing snoods.

At the far end of town where the grickle-grass grows
you will find a line of skinny-ass hos
they dress in dark clothes devoid of all shape
to emulate a Swedish magnet for rape!

Delightful.

And finally, here’s Michelle07 in the post about James Franco making the cover of bare-ass magazine. This also seemed Seuss-inspired:

elle07 says: Mr. Franco is somewhat attractive, if diminutive in nature. Perhaps we should retire to the bumbershoot repository for a thorough snoglefarthing.

I just love your gibberishisms!

Anyway, thanks for another fun week, everyone. Use the comments section below to nominate your favorite comments throughout the week for next week’s Comments of the Week. And don’t just nominate your friends, the newbs deserve mention too, so long as they bring the funny. As for FilmDrunk shirts, I’m working on getting more, I’m just trying to make sure we get nice soft pretty shirts that are awesome and not scratchy poopy crappy ones that can suck a fart. That’s harder than you might expect.