Back in March, I told you about how Steven Seagal (filming for Steven Seagal: Lawman) was on hand for a raid in which Arizona police brought the SWAT team, four armored vehicles, and a tank (in which Seagal was riding) to break up a suspected cockfighting ring. If it seems like a slight case of overkill, call it a rare lapse in good judgment for the department who deputized an overweight former actor with a unique physiological reaction to arousal who can’t keep track of space and time. At the time, Seagal told local news, “Animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves.”
Well sure. I bet it’s right up there with mortality and light mayo. Unfortunately, the raid was a disaster. The suspect, Jesus Sanchez Llovera, was home alone and unarmed at the time, and 115 chickens had to be euthanized on the spot (whether by front kick or otherwise, it’s still unclear). Now Sanchez says he’s innocent, and that he was only raising the chickens for show (mm hmm, show chickens, sure, buddy). He claims his 11-month-old puppy was shot and killed during the raid, and wants $100,000 from Seagal and the Maricopa County Sheriff’s department run by Joe Arpaio.
The notice of claim is the first step towards a lawsuit — and Jesus’ lawyer tells us his client is demanding $100,000 for the damage and he wants Seagal to issue a “formal written apology” to his children “for the death of their 11-month old puppy, a beloved family pet.” [TMZ]
New York Post-ready headline? STEVEN SEAGAL KILLS JESUS’S PUPPY. Eat your heart out, Chuck Norris facts.
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Maybe his “unique physiological reaction” is to literally choke a chicken.
To be fair, the puppy was named “Poonani,” and Seagal always kills the poonani.
Poonani? But I just read that Seagal attacked over 100 cocks.
Before they died, Seagal taught those chickens a very effective front cluck.
At the time, Seagal told local news, “Animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Proof-read your articles, Vince. You see, Steven Segal keeps a menagerie of animals, one of which is the peeve (Segal brought it back with him from his visit to the Cretaceous era), whom he named Animal Cruelty. So the C should be capitalized.
Because he was having trouble keeping track of space and time, he didn’t realize the reporter was asking him about the cockfighting raid, and instead elected to fill her in with some background information about himself.
Then Jesus was led by the promoter into
the wastelandArizona to be tempted by the Seagal. After fighting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The Seagal came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these chickens to become bread.”Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
Then Seagal took him to
the holy cityPhoenix and had him stand on the highest point of thetempleJobing.com Arena. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:“‘He will command his Coyotes concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
Again, Seagal took him to
a very high mountainthe US Airways Center and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Steven! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”
Then the Seagal left him, and the Suns Cheerleaders came and attended him.
Sounds like a real clucksterfuck, amirite?
The puppy barks, the chicken clucks, the Seagal teeps. It was a front kick alright.
It isn’t highly publicized, but Steven Seagal is part of Maricopa County’s Pre-Crime unit. The tank was sent in to break up a massive cockfight that was set to take place shortly after the date of the raid, but Seagal had lost track of exactly when
I can only assume an internet failure (Fuck people who say ‘EPIC FAIL’. The word is ‘failure’.) has occurred when ‘cockfighting ring’ still refers to chickens fighting and not a device intended to enable flame-enhanced bukkake.
See, Alanis, this is actual irony.
I have a unique physiological reaction to arousal, too. It’s called fainting.
If you’re going to run over 100 cocks with a tank, do it at a Juggalo rally.
But did any of those chickens knew why Richie did Bobby Lupo?
Just like a Nepalese Indian Irish Jew to bring a tank to a cock fight.
Dude. You killed Jesus’ dog. Not cool, man. Not cool.