Last week I brought you the news of Sunday Sports’ report that a dwarf who played Gordon Ramsay in porn had been eaten by badgers. I noted at the time that the report seemed a little suspicious, but I couldn’t ignore it completely, because how many time am I going to get to write that headline? Anyway, once mainstream news outlets were through regurgitating the story verbatim as if it had been discovered by a distinguished medical journal, and not a tabloid with headlines like “World War 2 Bomber Found on Moon” and quotes that read like noir fiction, someone at the Huffington Post decided to do a little actual fact checking. And from the sounds of it, it seems little Percy Foster may not have gone to the big porn parody set in the sky. It’s one small step for responsible journalism, one giant leap for celebrity look-alike dwarf porn.

A Huffington Post Weird News reporter contacted the local police in Tregaron, Wales where Percy Foster was allegedly found to check the facts. The official told The HuffPost that she hadn’t heard of any report of the alleged death.

And you think if it did happen, they would’ve heard about it. Tregaron, Wales isn’t exactly Hong Kong.

The Internet Adult Film Database — a smutty IMDB — didn’t have any record of Foster. Nor are there any matches for the supposed film The Sport said gave Foster his big break: “Hi-Ho- Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your Arse We Go.”
X-rated historian Bill Margold told HuffPost he had never heard of Foster, adding that someone of his stature would be memorable.
“The short performers on both ends of the spectrum are rare,” Margold said. [HuffPo]

“At both ends of the spectrum?” Does he mean both male and female? As in, the gender spectrum? What a strange way to say that. It leads me to believe that dwarves with ambiguous genitals doing porn are relatively commonplace. And if that’s true, it seems like they’re really burying the lede.

But let’s stay focused on the main story here. No, the story isn’t true, but do you realize what this means? Three weeks ago, The Sunday Sport ran their initial piece on Percy Foster. Since he’s not actually a porn star as far as anyone can tell, it means they probably found a dwarf  who looked like Gordon Ramsay, and decided that wasn’t juicy enough, so they cooked up a story about him being a porn star. Complete with the fake quote:

“Porn lookalikes get more money than normal actors. Dwarf lookalikes are as rare as hen’s teeth and so can command top dollar. I’ve already ordered a new BMW and a diamondencrusted Soda Stream.”

Most tabloids would cook up a story about a porn dwarf buying diamond soda fountains because he looked like a celebrity, pat themselves on the back, and call it a day (AS WELL THEY SHOULD). But not the Sunday Sport. Patience, that’s the name of the tabloid game. They waited three weeks to kill off their star, and when they did, they did it in style, with badgers and poison gas, with all the intrigue of a possible suicide, brought on by the pressures of the celebrity-look-alike dwarf-porn industry. Because anyone can write some crazy story, it takes a professional to weave it into a narrative. Hollywood, I hope you’re paying attention. Because the Gordon Ramsay Porn-Dwarf Saga makes Cowboys and Aliens look like a Saved by the Bell episode.