A few weeks ago, I brought you the news that Rush Hour/Money Talks director Brett Ratner* will be producing this year’s Oscars telecast. In a shocking turn of events, it seems his first choice of host is a wise-cracking black guy. Ratner is scheduled to meet with Academy president Tom Sherak on Tuesday to present his shortlist of prospective hosts, and according to Deadline, that list consists of just one name: Eddie Murphy (somewhere, Chris Tucker sheds a single tear). I’m sure Ratner thought Eddie Murphy would be the best man for the job, and this has nothing to do with him starring in a Brett Ratner movie that opens in November. Either way, this will mark the first time the teleprompter has ever had “obnoxious shouting” as a stage direction.

Insiders tell me that Ratner since getting the Academy Awards producing gig has only been talking to one person: Eddie. It’s been along the lines of, “If the Academy asked you to host, would you accept?” I learned that Eddie is “showing interest”.

Because in Hollywood, answering a yes-or-no question requires at least twelve lunch meetings, plus three-pre-lunch meetings to discuss locations for the first lunch meeting. Turns out, Brett Ratner just really likes lunch.

Eddie, who was nominated for Best Supporting Actor in 2006′s Dreamgirls but lost, is said [BY A MYSTERIOUS PERSON OF INTEREST! -Ed] to worship the Oscars. “Nobody knows movies better or is a bigger cinephile than Eddie. Not Brett. Not even Quentin Tarantino. Eddie can quote scenes from every single movie word for word,” an insider tells me. “He can bring all that experience to hosting. Plus he has Saturday Night Live experience before a live crowd. And worldwide the biggest crossover comedians are Will Smith and Eddie Murphy.” [Deadline]

What?! Brett Ratner is a waay bigger cinefile than… oh wait, you said CINEfile? Nevermind, I was thinking of something else. One thing they don’t mention about Murphy’s 2006 Oscar nomination is that he stomped out when he lost to Alan Arkin, but I suppose that does prove that he cares. But even if Ratner did make this choice purely out of his own selfish interests, I’m into it. I haven’t seen an Eddie Murphy movie in almost a decade and he’s become a bit of a mystery. The only question now is, who will be his wacky interracial sidekick?? Let’s brainstorm! Fill in the blank: Eddie Murphy’s co-host should be…. ____.

  • Eddie Murphy (dressed as an old Jewish man)
  • Arsenio Hall (dressed as an old Jewish man)
  • Antonio Banderas
  • Jet Li
  • Justin Timberlake
  • Rebecca Black
  • Ken Jeong
  • Betty White
  • Booboo Stewart
  • Sir Anthony Hopkins
  • Ichiro
  • Yao Ming
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Gwyneth Paltrow (as a country singer)
  • Margaret Cho
  • Taylor Lautner
  • Chris Mintz-Plasse
  • The Olsen Twins
  • Sasha Grey
  • Ralphie May
  • A hyrax wearing a propeller beanie
  • Melissa Rivers
  • Tom Colicchio

…Really, I could do this all day. I’d be happy with any of these choices, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for hyrax.

*My newest Twitter follower. Seriously. AWW HELL NAH, SH*T JUST GOT REAL, SKEET SKEET.