I’ve been somewhat fascinated with Abduction (MORE LIKE ABS-DUCTION, LOL) almost since the beginning. I mean, I understand that different people like different things and all that, and that while I love dark comedy and hate musicals, millions are just the opposite… but this just seems confused. They basically took an actor that only girls like and put him in a premise that only guys like, and then brought in the director of Boyz in the Hood. Huh? Anyway, it opens this weekend, and the reviews are already starting to trickle in — mostly from overseas, where critical hate is much more passionate and colorful.

“Lautner isn’t much of an actor and behind his face is a brain ticking away at one kilometre per hour with the repetitive long-held close-ups of his face yielding no more emotional insights than the equally long close-ups of his stomach.” -Trespass Magazine

“We may never know if Abduction is satire or misfire, but I spent the entire film wracked by gales of choking laughter.” -The Vine

“Last I checked, tweenage girls weren’t too keen on this genre, and the boys who normally would be a fan will likely be disappointed by its bloodless, stagnant lameness.” -Quickflix

“Abduction features woefully appalling writing brought to life by genuinely random direction. The only consistency is that none of it works, and the result is a mess that will leave even the most ardent Twi-hater yearning for Stephenie Meyer’s skills. …one of the year’s worst films.” -Sydney Morning Herald

“Don’t be fooled by the presence of esteemed actors like Bello, Isaacs, Sigourney Weaver (playing Nathan’s shrink) and Alfred Molina (a dodgy CIA boss). They’re only there to collect a pay check for reading out the absurd script — which could have been written by a 14-year-old, given its level of depth and sophistication.
Oh, and at no point in the movie is anyone ever actually abducted, so presumably the title is a just subtle reference to Lautner’s notorious abs.” -Moviefix

Sounds like they liked it! But hey, I hate being such a Negative Norbit. That’s why it pleases me to report that Dolphin Tale is tracking almost 90%. DIDN’T I TELL YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE AWESOME? Morgan Freeman makes a robot tale for a dolphin! Wounded soldiers! MARINE BIOLOGIST HARRY CONNICK JR! My God, it has everything.