This Week in Posters: Baby Goose Gets Top Billing

Machine Gun Preacher, opening September 23 in New York and LA.

"Hope is the greatest weapon of all." That's actually chopped from the full quote, which was  "Hope is the greatest weapon of all, but it never hurts to pack a Kalashnikov and a black kid."

So this is the poster for the American Pie reunion movie, which is apparently called American Reunion. I don’t mind telling you that it's confusing as all hell. The poster for the original had a pie with a d*ck hole in it where Jason Biggs had tried to hump it because someone told him it felt like vagina. Now, we have what looks like a new take on the old pie, but the nice, round d*ck hole is gone, in favor of a giant, messy gash. Would could’ve caused this? I suppose that’s the big question. Maybe Jason Biggs is in his mid-thirties now and trapped in a loveless marriage, and wanted to feel what it’d be like to have his balls licked like he used to, and tried to dip them in a pie? That could be a scrotum hole, I suppose. Or maybe Natasha Lyonne got hammered and passed out into a pie, and it was some kind of metaphor for dabbling in lesbianism? I don’t know. I have no idea. And then there’s that tagline. “Save the best piece for last.” And this presumably describes this torn-up pie that some dude probably just dipped his old balls in. Like, maybe it’s saying that the last “piece” you ever get will be this nasty old ball-bruised piece of pie that not even a hobo would want to eat? And why is it last? Is someone getting married? Or maybe the piece will be his last because he commits suicide afterwards? I don’t pretend to know these things, but either way it sounds pretty dark.

Carnage, Roman Polanski's first film since the Swiss freed him last summer. I bet he emerged from those six months in a Swiss ski chalet a changed man. All that time living in Alpine luxury, it's bound to change any man.

Also, it looks like someone took my statement, "Hell, if a movie had Christoph Waltz and John C. Reilly in the cast, I'd watch it even if the director was a child rapist," a little too seriously. That statement still stands though. Christoph Waltz and John C. Reilly rule.

"Live Love Slay" was always my favorite Elizabeth Gilbert book.

NEEDS MORE SPARKS!

"Hey, girl, you like my hammer? I'll come over to your apartment later and hang the picture I painted you."

Anyone else getting a Dustin Hoffman-in-Midnight-Cowboy vibe from this, or am I thinking of a different movie?

Yeah! It's OUR time! Our time to remake movies from our parents' generation! Yay, let's dance to old songs!

Every Hollywood plot ever: "Two young kids fall in love, and someone has a gun for some reason."

Get it? They dressed her as a house cleaner because she's Mexican. I kid, I kid. But seriously, every movie or show aimed at young girls nowadays is about how any regular girl can become a superstar. Yeah, great message, assh*les, keep it up. I got a movie idea for you, it's called "You're Not a Superstar But That's Okay, Now Shut Up and Learn Something."

True story, Cuba Gooding Jr. was already in a Tuskeegee Airmen movie back in 1995. What I'm saying is, I've basically already seen this movie. I wish Red Tails was a movie about baboons. Baboons are neat.

The tangled-feet concept is decent, but then someone was like, "BUT WAIT! HOW WILL THEY KNOW MANDY MOORE AND MARTIN FREEMAN ARE IN IT??" and they had to water it down. Still, with a title like "Swinging with the Finkels," how could it not be a hit?

As the recently departed Jani Lane once said of swinging:

Swingin' on the front porch
Swingin' on the lawn
Swingin' where we want
'Cause there ain't nobody home
Swingin' to the left
And swingin' to the right
If I think about baseball
I'll swing all night yea

Man, the 80s sucked.

Orlando Bloom IS... Sir Lindsay of Buckingham!

Christoph Waltz IS... in this movie? Really?

Psst, bro. That's not Gary Oldman, it's Colin Firth.

Ugh, still not Gary Oldman... You know what? Forget it.