COMMENTS OF THE WEEK: Every Sunday or Monday, I try to recognize comment-section brilliance, sometimes with a prize (but really, being recognized as the funniest commenter on a juvenile film blog should be its own reward, shouldn’t it?). NOMINATE your favorite comments throughout the week by copy and pasting in the comments section below — you can always find the CotW-nominating link in the sidebar to the right under “MORE”. [Rad Poodle via DogBlessYou]
Before we get to this week’s winner, I wanted to extend a hearty round of applause for all who participated in our effort to give Kevin Smith’s fans a name. Asking the peanut gallery for help seems to bring out the best in you all, so I’ll try to do that more. In the meantime, here were some of my favorites:
essequemodeia says: Smithfits
Jessolido says: Cockknocklatiers
Stinky Peet says: The Easily Amewesed
Jacktion! says: The Men Who Stare At Jorts
leave1942 says: Porch Monkeys.
Tony Everready says: sweater monkeys
Shrimpton says: Smodomites
Moose says: Jorticulturists
Nacheesmo says: Type 2 Diabeatniks
I think I like Cockknocklatiers. It sounds so fancy! But on to this week’s winner…
From Channing Tatum sought as Brad Cooper’s replacement in Crow remake:
Jessolido says: “This September… REVENGE. WILL. C-WALK.”
Jessolido says: They killed me! They killed my wife! THEY BURNT MY C-PIECE, SON!
Bravo to Jessolido for narrowly beating out Chareth Cutestory’s always-entertaining irrational hatred for Kevin Smith in the story about Smith splitting Hit Somebody into two films:
Chareth Cutestory says: THE ONLY THING YOU’RE FIT TO SPLIT IN TWO ARE YOUR JNCO’S, YOU CASH-GRABBING F*CKSTICK!
Chareth Cutestory says: Gotta admire The circumvention of the studios, though. Kevin Smith is like Howard Hughes in that way, except he can’t board a plane and he sucks.
Elsewhere, our favorite Mexican FilmDrunkard Watanabex nicely sums up the internet’s attitude towards the rash of Dark Knight Rises set pictures and video spoilers:
Watanabex says: THIS MOVIE SUCKS, THAT BATWING THING LOOKS SO UNREALISTIC I MEAN SERIOUSLY YOU’RE GOING TO CHASE VILLAINS ON SOME ALUMINUM PLATFORM ATTACHED TO SOME SLOW ASS CRANE? F*CK YOU NOLAN, YOU RUINED BATMAN!
Then there was the Alabama Panhellenic Council’s rap video, which you knew would generate a gem or two:
Easy Killer says: It’s things like this that make it so us whites will never be allowed to use the N word.
Now that’s funny.
Garipeto says: “And there’s not a single minority! Not even an Asian! How is that even possible?”
They’re all in the library talking on their cell phones, of course.
Nice callback.
From my rebuttal to the Disney Exec who said story is secondary:
Jack Burton says: But…but…he’s a high rolling studio executive who has salt and pepper hair, piercing blue eyes, doesn’t wear a tie, owns three Teslas and has six hookers and three different coke dealers on speed dial! How could he be wrong? This guy KNOWS the business, Vince. If you don’t believe ME, just look at that headshot again! The self satisfied smirk…the $250 haircut…teeth perfectly bleached and capped…oh no…I may have looked at it too long…what’s that, picture? What’s that you say? Yes, picture. I understand now. I will obey. Yes, picture. I know now what I must do. Consume, consume, consume. Buy buy buy. Quality is irrelevant. Enjoyment is irrelevant. Fulfillment is irrelevant. Happiness is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. I will be assimilated.
I_am_Jenius says: Where are the Powerpoints and Cocaine?
I WAS TOLD THERE WAS TO BE POWERPOINTS AND COCAINE!
This next comment from the C-Tates/The Crow post isn’t so much funny as it is scarily prescient:
Patty Boots says: C. Tates as The Crow will be fine, as long as they change the character to a murdered white rapper.
And finally, what would Comments of the Week be without a visit from our favorite copy-and-paste spambot? “LucyWatson” here, if that is her REAL name, copies text from elsewhere on the page and incorporates it into her phishing scam. The results are often funnier than anything we could come up with.
Lucywatson says: I bet she’s gonna develop some kind of psychological issue where she’s afraid there’ll be an explosion everytime she takes a dump…I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—a’ge’l’es’s’da’te. C óM—it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.
Lucywatson says: Pretty sure a secret santa is when you meet a girl on J-Date but then in bed, boom, foreskin.I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—a’ge’l’es’s’da’te. C óM—it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.
Lucywatson says: I loved the old, earnest sexism. This new version is just confusing.I am a 26 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—a’ge’l’es’s’da’te. C óM—it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.
That last one deserves an Inception BRAAAAAHM as much as anything.
Here’s to another week…
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/04/Underworld-Awakening-Cover--150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/04/Shocked_Dog-150x150.png)
Holy shit! My own tag plus top billing alongside “Rad Poodle”? The only thing that could top this would be a free birthday dog shirt… Did I win one?
Phil Hart Man You make me angry spam person
Getting cut-and-pasted by the spambot is somehow an honor too. Where my t-shirt at, Lucywatson? Give my comment a fucking 7!
P.S. Lucywatson punctuates like a Klingon.
Easy Killer is my new favorite commenter.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Chairman Kaga
Alcoholics Gratuitous
Ragnarok
Second Alcoholics Gratuitous.
Third for Alcoholics. Baby Goose brings out the best in us all
Can we get Crapbasket a “HEEEYYYYYOOOOOO!!!” on [filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Not the first time a tranny made Baby Goose cry.
Fantastic
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Crapbasket
Say what you will about the Ghost Rider films, but given the level of talent involved and the depth of the already established back story, I’m sure that it will be a wonderful cinematic clusterfuck for argh-tarded shit eaters.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Teamed with the picture of that third kid’s shit-eating grin, this comment was perfect:
Moose
You should see the bumper stickers on the back of Will’s car.
My son’s movie opened number one at the box office.
My daughter released a hit song.
My other son is a failure.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Morton Salt:
This reminds me of my grandfather.
Question: How did he “point” to letters with stumps for hands?
Morton Salt
This reminds me of my grandfather. He was born in 1901 and was sent to work on the railroads with his father when he was five. He did that for a few years, but when he was eight, he lost his right hand -his dominant hand -in an industrial accident while trying to fix something that only his little kid’s hands could reach. The point is, he had to stop working on the railroad. By the age of 12, he had become proficient enough with his left hand that he got work in a factory. He worked on the line for 40 years, never advancing in the ranks because of his missing hand, despite the fact that he would probably be more useful as a foreman. He didn’t care, though. He supported his family with the hopes that his hard work would allow them to enjoy a life he never did. He insisted on buying a house, even though he was 40 before the bank would grant a mortgage, and by that time they had nine kids, so they insisted on getting a house with four bedrooms; three kids per room, plus the master (which was actually the smallest). But, at age 52, something happened at the factory. A perpetual fuck up named Bernie was being fired. He drank on the job, came in late, etc. When the powers that be told him of his termination, he flew into a rage. He began yelling and screaming that they were damnable fools for keeping a cripple while firing him. He was talking about my grandfather. He came to the drunken conclusion that if my grandfather couldn’t work, they’d keep him around instead. Bernie approached my grandfather, who at this point knew nothing of the firing, clubbed him with a wrench and knocked him out. He then picked up my grandfather off the floor and positioned himself in such a way that allowed him to put my grandfather’s left hand -his only hand -in the path of danger. My grandfather lost his only remaining hand before anyone could help him, and Bernie fled, never to be seen again. The factory saw no option but to let my grandfather go as well. This, however, did not discourage my grandfather. After some recuperation, he insisted that my grandmother write a letter to the bank explaining the situation, and asking for some time on making the next mortgage payment. They told the bank in that letter all about the railroad accident and reasoned that if Grandpa could come back from that, he would come back from this as well. He would find honest work, and the bank would get its money. This letter was no small achievement, as my grandmother was illiterate. My grandfather pointed to the letters in the newspaper he wanted her to copy, one by one. He could’ve asked one of his kids to help, but he was too proud and didn’t want them to know about it. The letter was sent. When they missed their first mortgage payment, the bank began foreclosure on the grounds of ‘reasonable expectation that further payment would not be forthcoming’. If they hadn’t written the letter, they could’ve missed up to 10 payments without foreclosure being initiated, according to the bank’s own admission. They lost the house. My grandparents gave up their five youngest kids to an orphanage. (My father was the second oldest, so he was spared.) Those four kids (three boys and two girls) were never seen again. My grandmother began working as a crossing guard and at an industrial laundry. My grandfather never did find work. They made just enough to pay rent on a two bedroom apartment. They never complained, never talked about the misfortunes of life, except to wonder aloud about their five youngest kids and to wish them well. I don’t know if they were happy; I never really knew them. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather died when I was three, and all I remember is being petrified of the ancient man with no hands. Like I said, I don’t know if they were happy, but by all accounts they never whined about their lives. This hack’s plight reminds me of my grandfather.
You can point with your elbow and it wasn’t like they weren’t talking. Or so the story goes.
“This one, with the dot on top?”
“No, the one just next to it that looks like a circle.”
/dying
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Crapbasket says: Mat got his start in Discovery Channel’s “Flid This House” where he would kick in people’s front doors and flush all their socks down the toilet.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
RoboPanda says: Say hi to your burger for me.
Kungjitsu
No we don’t Digglah Dawgs. It’s awn tha menu as a fackin’ joke, fackin’ queah. Guys fackin’ retahded.
Hey Dawnie, you see fackin’ CT get facked by that half dahkie queah pahtna he had on that Real World show or sumthin’?
Larry
“My friend Sully wanted to call them Sullenburgers, but he’s wicked uncleah on the cawncept. Holyt shit, I was in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.”
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
ChinoMoreno
Add some fries and meal it, meal it.
And that Marky Mark reference just made me realize that he could do The Crow as a white rapper, too.
Yep. They’re totally making the character a white rapper.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
This killed me for some reason.
Shop 101
i>Kind of like not being enthusiastic about having sex after seeing a naked old lady?<
Give it time, Twelve. If that’s your real name.
Amazing
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
ChinoMoreno
This is my penis, this is my gun. This is for raping, and this is for raping.
Seconded Mr. Chairman!
Second Chino.
Oh my. Again, same thread.
ChinoMoreno
Hey, that’s what you get when you go out dressed like a holster.