I think we all needed a palate cleanser after that last depressing post about Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal’s handbasket to hell, and as usual, Us Weekly’s got us covered. This might be the most asinine news story since Ashley Greene’s homemade mojitos. AND it’s got pretty much all my favorite things: Bed-smashing abstinence vampire sex from Twilight, pillow-biting, and my all-time favorite actor, Boo Boo Stewart.
Kristen Stewart’s favorite moment in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 was the wedding scene between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Her real-life beau, on the other hand, says he preferred the bed-breaking sex scene during their honeymoon .
YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN BE ALL LIKIN’ MARRIAGE, BUT MEN JUS BE WANTIN’ SEX? AND THEN WOMEN BE SHOPPING AND MEN JUS TRYNA WATCH DA GAME?? IT’S LIKE WE FROM DIFFERENT PLANETS AN’ SHEEIT!
“I wanted to have it as a line so much: ‘I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One.’ And then he’d start crying,” Robert Pattinson, 25, says in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly. “By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! I ruined this bed!”
That sounds like a line the FilmDrunkards would write for Edward Cullen the sparkling abstinent vampire. I know some people don’t want to hear it, but Robert Pattinson actually seems pretty cool. By the way, I would bet my entire paycheck that no one at Us Weekly realized that that was a gay joke.
Still, 21-year-old Stewart insists that their characters’ honeymoon scene pales [PUN INTENDED, SQUIDERP! -Ed] in comparison to the long-awaited union between Bella and Edward.
“It’s a trip to watch the wedding scenes, especially,” she says. “It was so volatile and emotional — I was being such a crazy person.”
“These cartoonish marriage fantasies written by a woman with the mind of a sixth grader really took a toll on me emotionally. By the way, has anyone noticed I’m the most boring person alive?”
BUT WAIT! WE CAN’T END AN US WEEKLY STORY THERE! WHAT DOES BOO BOO STEWART HAVE TO SAY???
The couple’s costar Boo Boo Stewart recently spoke to Us Weekly about Bella and Edward’s nuptials, saying that “[Billy Burke] made that scene really great because he had to walk [Stewart] down the aisle, and I think he really did a great job.”
“It was weird,” Boo Boo, 17, added. “I was sitting there and I was like, ‘This is actually really touching.’” [USWeekly]
NO ONE CAN PUT A BOW ON A TWILIGHT STORY LIKE YOU DO, BOO BOO! DON’T EVER CHANGE!
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All I want to know is where he parked the car.
She wouldn’t be the most boring person alive if you could get her to “bite the pillow”* once in a while.
*(That means “have anal sex” to you US Weekly readers)
Bet your entire paycheck? You get paid for this? OH SNAP.
“By the way, I would bet my entire paycheck that no one at Us Weekly realized that that was a gay joke.”
/checks pockets
//finds change
YOU’RE ON!
When this is all over, you know Rob Pattinson is going to do some in-depth interview about how cheesy and awful it was. And then the fans will have a shit fit, and we’ll laugh and laugh.
This reads like transcripts from the Warren Jeffs trial. As it probably should.
My favorite part is Andy Serkis portraying Snorkel the Vampire Fetus. His motion capture performance, filmed while attempting to kick his way out of a cow uterus, really infused the vampire fetus with the heart and soul of an apeshit actor.
Dammit, I left the s off of “Snorkels”.
“I was so excited. You could almost see an expression on my face.”
Fortunately ILM is ready to CGI an emotion onto Stewart. It could require all of their skills to counter the “frowning of a lifetime”.
Serkis stunned the animators by managing to overact even when playing an angry fetus. This normally would have cost the animators much time in pulling back the performance to add subtlety and nuance. Fortunately, the people making the twilight films have no interest in these qualities.
“Robert Pattinson actually seems pretty cool.”
“Her real-life beau, on the other hand, says he preferred the bed-breaking sex scene during their honeymoon.”
Yeah, he seems cool because he likes to rip on Twilight fans. But it also seems like he tore up a winning lottery ticket when he began dating Kristen Stewart.
Robert Pattinson: I really wanted there to be more of Edward’s past life. We kicked around multiple things like Edward being a cowboy or a WWI soldier, but pirate really intrigued me. I think I could have handled the sword fighting. My arms have gotten stronger because there’s this great shop here in Vancouver that makes wonderful chocolate and every time we come out in public I go there and just pack so much fudge before going home, just loads of the stuff. You might say I’m the brownie king. It’s not just chocolate though, they sell homemade twinks, I believe that’s what they are called. I love sucking the cream out of them before putting the whole thing in my mouth.
US WEEKLY EDITOR: OMG, Edward as a WWI soldier would have been awesome, there’s nothing else in these quotes worth thinking about!!!
I would watch a remake of Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract” video with an animated dancing RPattz.
Boo Boo Stewart? I thought that was Sanjaya.
Twilight would be better with Jon Cena.
*Looking into the mirror
“You cain’t see me!”
*Powerbombs Dakota Fanning through a table