"I sense a great disturbance in the force, as if a million balls cried out in joy and were suddenly fondled."
X-Men: First Class grossed $56 million over the weekend, which is ridiculously good for the average film, but still the worst opening of any of the X-Men films. Many people blame Wolverine for turning people off to the franchise, as well as Brett Ratner’s X3, which grossed $102 million in its opening weekend back in May 2006, despite “chugging a big bowl of monkey schlongs” (according to scientists). The question is, what was Brett Ratner trying to say with his series of tweets yesterday to X-Men box office comparisons? He was quick with a phony congratulations to X-Men: First Class director Matthew Vaughn this morning (complete with the multiple of exclamation points of disingenuousness). But as Pajiba points out, hiding behind box office numbers wouldn’t be the first time he made preposterous a statement in defense of his terrible movie.
I’M THE BLOCK QUOTE, BITCH:
It was a tacky thing to do. But, I suppose that’s to be expected from the director who once said this about The Last Stand as compared to Bryan Singer’s opening installments: “Mine was the one that made the most narrative sense. And I’m not knocking Bryan’s movie but he just does a certain thing; Bryan uses his brain and I use my eye and my instincts more. It’s a whole different approach to making a movie. I’m not saying my movie wasn’t smart; I just wasn’t intellectualizing it.” [Pajiba]
That’s right, Brett Ratner doesn’t intellectualize decisions like you effeminate academics. He goes with his gut, and you can’t learn that in any school (except maybe at the six-week Gut Seminar Ratner sponsors at the New York Film Academy, but a place that advertises in the back of magazines hardly counts as a “school”). It’s just a wonder his gut ever tells him anything besides “MOAR NACHOS, PLZ.” In any case, the question remains: was the Rat Man gloating? I decided to take a look back through his recent tweets for clues, and this is what I found:
You people have no idea how delicious and healthy @GenesisToday Omega Orange is!! It tastes like the creamsicles from my childhood.
Congrats to @ParisHilton on her new show #TheWorldAccordingToParis premiering Tonight at 10pm on @Oxygen
@nickcannon #mrshowbiz comedy album out TODAY. I exec produced it http://say.ly/SfPmXK
Sadly, I’m no closer to an answer about the X-Men thing, but I have come to the conclusion that Brett Ratner is a real-life Turtle from Entourage.
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Ratner brags about getting a ton of Tang… delivered to his house from the Tang factory. He’s going to be an ASSTRONUT!
Ratner is a real-life turtlehead.
Would you rather gross $100 million and be revealed to all as a ridiculous fraud, or gross $50 million and get to knock up January Jones?
I guess it depends on your percentage.
A Gloat sounds like something he would try to eat.
The creamsicles from his childhood gave way to the carafes of gravy from his brunch.
To be fair, Ratner had a lot more gut to go with than Singer did.
And didn’t Ratner notice that, after X-3, they’ve done nothing but prequels?
Narrative sense my ass. He wrecked the storyline of thy franchise like he wrecks buffet tables.
The, not thy.
Although thy has a nice, snarky ring to it.
Brett Ratner? More like Butt Fatner am I right?
Earwax: no smell, tastes like shit. The Rat-Man: no taste, smells like shit.
Food for thought.
[Rides up on a huge hyrax]
Vince, you misspelled bloating.
This is my favorite tweet of his I think.
BrettRatner Brett Ratner
@
@hdspnrontop I had the best time at your bar mitzvah.. Can’t wait for you to come visit me in LA! We will go to the playboy mansion!
Those people that saw this are clearly stuck in a cycle of abuse. They won’t take my $20 and then push me down the stairs. I know they won’t. They told me they love me too much!
Brett Ratner is Michael Bay without the nuance
“DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE FOODS THAT ARE GOING INTO MY MOUTH”
People just tend to lose interest in something after it gets ruined by some total asshole.
Just like your mom.
Ratner is a one-man flesh mob.
Brett Ratner watches the Cooking Channel while riding a Sybian.
Look at the bottom of that list and realize that even though Ratner’s installment made the most money (230ish million) his budget was 210 million, making his profit only a paltry 20 million. X2 on the other hand, made 210 million with a budget of 110 million. I think Brett Ratner is more retarded than i ever thought he was once. “Money talks, man. Money Talks”
I love that Brett Ratner’s profile on IMDB makes sure to mention the price and location of his house.
Bryan uses his brain and I use my eye and my instincts more.
What a tremendously hostile world that a rat must endure. Yet not only does he survive, he thrives. Because our little foe has an instinct for survival and preservation second to none.
On the other hand, Ratner thoroughly enjoyed Matthew Vaughn’s Layercake.
I want to take your reference to its conclusion Dingus, only because it involves Christopher Waltz shooting him.
“MOAR NACHOS, PLZ.”
Everybody knows Ratner’s gut never has to say “please”.
Brett Ratner doesn’t want to intellectualize, he wants to be fed.
I dont always watch Brett Ratner movies, but when I do I go to the Alamo Drafthouse. That way I can text, take off my pants and cook a rotisserie chicken, all with a cojiba in my mouth and no one cares. It really classes the joint up.
He’s like a spokesman for spokesmen.
“Hanging with fuckin @caveman and @gecko. Get insurance!”
“Just met @papajohns. He’s so cool. I want his ‘Sausage Sensation’ in my mouth!”
Brett Ratner’s visual acuity is based on fat content.
The difference between the Rat and Turtle being, the Rat isn’t likeable enough to be on Entourage.
I’m sorry, that was a little cold.
Brett Ratner movies make puppies cry.