"Are you ready to rock???" "AS LONG AS THERE AREN'T ANY GAYS IN THERE!"
Here’s the first picture of Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages, an adaptation of the Broadway musical of the same name in which Cruise plays heavy metal singer Stacee Jaxx. Co-starring Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand, Rock of Ages comes from criminally under-recognized hack Adam Shankman, who started his career as a choreographer, then made The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez, then was allowed to direct six more movies. It’s one of the all-time great Hollywood success stories. Rock of Ages centers around a love story between characters played by Diego Boneta and Julianne Hough, set during “the rock music scene of 1987.” Said Shankman of casting Boneta:
“It’s that feeling you get when you realized you’ve discovered lightning in a bottle,” Shankman just told me about Boneta’s audition. “It reminds me of when Zac Efron auditioned for Hairspray, Channing Tatum for Step Up and Liam Hemsworth auditioned for The Last Song. When the guy walks in, the guy walks in!”
This is going to be worse than Chernobyl.
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Stacee? Why, that’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard.
When C-Tates walked in, he C-walked in!
“It’s that feeling you get when you realized you’ve discovered lightning in a bottle,”
I’ve never discovered lighting in a bottle, please try again.
This is going to be worse than Chernobyl.
I don’t know about that. News of Chernobyl didn’t kill Ryan Dunn.
* Mr Cruise’s wardrobe provided by the estate of Ronnie James Dio.
Wait, can I make fun of Dio? Nate, can I get a ruling here?
So we’ve got Tom Cruise, Russell Brand and a musical whose commercials made me want to throw things at my TV.
Someone needs to stop this immediately.
Wow. With names like “Shankman” and “Boneta”, that’s got to be the first block quote where Zac Efron sounds straight.
Danzig’s greasing up his whosits!
So, this is a Rob Halford biopic?
* Mr Cruise’s sexual presence provided by the estate of Rob Halford.
Even if I have to kill him myself.
*sigh*
I had too make that so wordy?
My vagina is so confused right now.
Great minds, Shop. Great minds.
Did somebody summon me by saying “great minds?”
God damnit! I was happened upon A Few Good Men yesterday just as he calls Col. Jessup to the stand and I thought “Fuck you Tom! Why did you have to go all Xenudiot and become a huge insufferable douche nozzle? Asshole.”
That depends. Did you bring your Rob Halford joke?
When the guy walks in, the guy walks inbetween the stage props!
The idea that the block quote is real seems to have damaged my brain. I think I’m going to lie down.
* Mr Cruise’s mullet provided by the estate of Michael Bolton.
* Mr Cruise’s chrisma provided by the estate of Dan Rosen
Tom Cruise is playing a singer in a metal band? I guess Scientologists aren’t all bad. Maybe I can convince Jett Travolta to sing in my band, Syndrome of A Down.
Tom Cruise quit the band when he found out that rock stars get lots and lots of pussy.
Butt Sex, No Drugs and Rock & Roll.
Cruise is really ripped for a guy who doesn’t like to power fuck guys for workout purposes but does it for his true fans.
I am not a fan of Shankman, but as someone who saw Diego Boneta in his acclaimed roll in Mean Girls 2, I know what he means.
Seriously though, I refuse to believe that block quote was said without everyone in the room laughing afterwards.
I really thought that quote was a fake because I cracked up reading it…and then I clicked the link.