What, you didn't know they made sleeveless kimonos? Steven Seagal knows a guy.
Steven Seagal is a man who wears many hats, many of them oversized to combat a wicked case of bloatskull. In addition to being a movie star, lawman, martial arts trainer, and all-around poonani lover, he’s also an accomplished blues musician. Presumably that’s the hat he’ll have on his bloated skull August 26th-28th, when he co-hosts the Bluestock blues festival in upstate New York, where he’ll also be performing with his band “Thunderbox’, which sounds like it’s either another euphemism for the Poonani, or a tribute band that plays amped up Candlebox tunes. SQUIBBITY BLABBEDY DO!
Action star Steven Seagal has also joined Bluestock’s lineup as a special co-host of the Festival and performer along with his blues band Thunderbox. Seagal has played guitar since the age of 12 and released his first album, the blues-inspired Songs from The Crystal Cave, in 2004. His authentic approach to the blues recalls the work of blues greats such as Muddy Waters, BB King, Bo Diddley and Robert Lockwood. [Bluestock.com]
Crystal Cave? You guessed it, another poonani euphemism. I hope the organizers of this festival know about Seagal’s unique philosophical reaction to arousal, lest they be surprised when he front-kicks a spectator’s face into another dimension using only his mind. Meanwhile, here’s what Seagal had to say about actors-turned-musicians a few years back:
“I don’t consider any actors to be real musicians… I’m probably going to get in trouble after saying that,” he says. “I think Jeff Goldblum is the only good musician. He’s a good pianist.” [Source]
Jeff Goldblum. You heard it here, folks. Ask yourself: Is there any statement too bizarre to imagine coming out of Steven Seagal’s mouth in complete earnestness? “I once met Kathleen Turner backstage at Foreigner concert, forcefed her an entire guinea pig. Amazing lady.”
[Steven Seagal Action Figure via MasatoToys (which isn't really a toy company)]
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Steven Seagal and Billy Bob Thornton should start a supergroup. A supergroup of self-important assholes whose bands have “box” in the name.
After B. Pumper put farts in her monkey fufu, Montana Fishburne came down with a severe case of thunderbox.
Steven Seagal’s unique philosophical reaction is Confucian. It’s a little something he picked up in Japan.
John Forsythe’s rather explicit Songs from the Krystle Cave was widely seen as a novelty release.
I like to refer to my premature ejaculation as novelty releases.
So you’re saying that he could have killed me with an arpeggio the whole time?
“His authentic approach to the blues”
He puts on blackface?
Seagal’s got chops.
no joke – if they sell that action figure i will buy it… it’s fricking awesome!!
I’d suggest bottling that confidence and selling it, but what container could hold it?
Recalls the work of blues greats, in that they all were released on CD at some point.
How will he know when its time to play with his space/time problem
I wonder if Seagal knows that ‘thunderbox’ is a euphamism for an outhouse. Quite appropriate if you’ve ever heard his music, as I’m sure the sounds that emanate from the former sound a lot better than the latter.