PAUL BLART ZOOKEEPER. (Original poster here). Ignore what the actual poster, trailer, and all the marketing materials say, the true title of this film is "Paul Blart Zookeeper." You know it, I know it, and Paul Blart himself knows it. In this latest poster, it commits the cardinal sin of the "Rom-Com Lean" poster cliché. Well, I call it a sin, but it's not like this movie could look any more terrible. At this point, it's just honest advertising. Still, I like the poster I made better:
More festive, no? I could imagine eating a trough of McDonald's cheeseburgers underneath that.
Cowboys & Aliens. Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford are... VEST BROTHERS (Brothers of the Vest?). Way to style-bite the Jonas Bros, guys. Also, Daniel Craig needs to lay off the Blue Steel. You could put a lump of coal in that guy's upper lip, and a week later it'd be a diamond. Anyway, this movie looks like the dumbest thing in history (COWBOYS! ALIENS! AMNESIA! INDIANA JONES! ROCKET HANDS!), and yet I find myself oddly intrigued. Damn you, Hollywood.
[via IGN]
Crazy, Stupid, Love. So here's a cheesy poster for a cheesy movie in which Baby Goose plays Hitch (not to be confused with Paul Blart Zookeeper, in which zoo animals play Hitch). Hey, girl, I'm Will Smith! Haha, just kidding, girl, I'm not, really. I just love wholesome rap.
The plot of this one is that Steve Carell is on a mission to win back the wife who cheated on him. Believable. My first thought after my girlfriend bangs a whole basketball team is always, "Oh no, how can I get her back!"
The Devil's Double. Starring Dominic Cooper as Uday Hussein and his body double. Cool idea and cool poster, though the movie itself doesn't look all that great. It looks kind of like a faux-Arab Entourage.
Griff the Invisible. Well this certainly looks like an indie movie. I hope it has slo-mo and Rolling Stones songs.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Yet another poster for the final installment of Harry Potter (at least until they announce that JK Rowling has written an epilogue and they've split it into 10 movies). It's cool they just let Helena Bonham Carter wear her street clothes in this.
John Carter.
Civil War vet John Carter is transplanted to Mars, where he discovers a lush, wildly diverse planet whose main inhabitants are 12-foot tall green barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, who is in desperate need of a savior. [IMDB]
Get it? It's original because the 12-foot barbarians are green this time. Oh movie foreigners, always needing a handsome white savior.
The Guard. I've heard this movie compared to In Bruges and Bad Lieutenant, which means I have a big boner for it.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. I'd respect Michael Bay more if his Transformers didn't look like incomprehensible piles of scrap metal. What the hell is that, a lava spork?
Tree of Life. Here's the British poster for Tree of Life. You can tell it's British, because in America, calling a film a "semi-abstract symphony" is like putting crossbones and a skull with X's for eyes on a medicine bottle.
Warrior. For the ladaaays. I'm not going to lie, if I absolutely HAD to look like someone besides myself, like, if you put a gun to my head and told me I had to choose one person, I suppose Tom Hardy wouldn't be the worst choice. Also, you may not realize how much Joel Edgerton looks like Chael Sonnen, so take it from me. Joel Edgerton looks a LOT like Chael Sonnen.
[posters via IMPA]
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“Ones a Zookeeper and the other is a Sucesseful young woman and when they meet Derp da derp da derp.”
Is that Annie’s Boobs in the Paul Blart Zookeeper poster?
She deserves so much better than that.
At least Paul Blart: Zookeeper is relatable. I choke my emu almost constantly.
Look at that, tom hardy is wearing the new line of skin looking t-shirts by ed hardy.
“Lava spork” is what me and Chodin call it when we use Icy Hot instead of lube.
The Jonas Brothers could do the theme song for Cowboys & Aliens. They’d call it ‘Mild Mild Vest’.
Rosario Dawson’s body position suggests a different movie and poster entirely. Something her agent should have done maybe.
Hey girl, I’m going to teach this guy how to dance with you. Haha, of course his hands will always be above your waist, girl, you two aren’t married yet.
Kevin James is suppose to have a shot with Rosario Dawson? Does a monkey pulling your pants down causing you to trip and fall into a pile of shit count as a sex position? Oh, well then I’m sure they totally end up fucking.
I like that the tagline at the bottome of the Warrior poster is “Family is Worth Fighting For”.
Clearly the copy writer has never met crazy ole Uncle Fekky. Or an English 101 professor.
This is the only time you’ll see Paul Blart and lean in the same sentence.
I can’t get the idea out of my head that it’s Baby Goose rocking the four inch heel. Not that I want to.
Kevin James and Baby Goose need to be in a rom-com together. “They’re identical twins, but (*RECORD SCRATCH*) he is a fat loser and his brother is an attractive ladies man.” Kevin James is a janitor at a hospital, and one day he falls in love with a girl who is in a diabetic coma. He thinks this girl would never love him because he likes sugar so much, so his brother has to help him get in shape before she wakes up. But along the way, he’ll discover that (*TAGLINE*) he doesn’t have to LOSE weight…to WIN her heart.
“Paul Blart Presents: While You Were Sleeping, I farted”
*slow clap*
That was for you Dean-o. New up.
Sarah Jessica Parker is in The Zookeeper? But zoos don’t have horses!
Can’t wait for the obligatory trailer remix for Warrior as a gay romantic comedy with “It’s Raining Men” playing in the background.
zoo-KEEEPER don’t like- rockin’ the rom-com, rockin’ the rom-com
I used to like Kevin James but now look at him like I learned he’s a scientologist
Jeers to “The Devil’s Double” for not working that crotch-V into “Devil”. Somebody better fire somebody over that.
The Tree of Life poster doesn’t look busy enough. It could use another long quote or two.
#5, Devil’s Double: Those are .223 casings coming out of that Kalashnikov-style rifle (should be 7.62×39). I guess anyone can make movies and movie posters these days!
“Money. Sex. Power. It’s not enough.”
There’s also hot dogs and beer!
Jeers to “The Devil’s Double” for not working that crotch-V into “Devil”. Somebody better fire somebody over that.
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