I’m sure there are some various, mildly interesting things happening in the world of movies right now, but all that can wait, because Hollywood needs to option this story RIGHT THIS F*CKING INSTANT.  Spencer Hall from EDSBS‘s summary is the best outline I’ve ever read:

Mr. Sayed Al Essawy successfully staged his fight with a five year old male lion in a cage in a rural wheat field in the village of Saba’a Al Thabit. The self-styled strongman and wrestler claimed victory over a largely disinterested lion, who one person in the crowd claims was sleepy from being fed an entire donkey prior to the fight. Success for Mr. Al Essawy consisted of what he called the lion’s “surrender,” which he claims happened when the stupefied animal laid down in the corner of the cage and refused to do anything.

Essawy claims he was inspired to perform this stunt in order to boost tourism and lift his countrymen’s spirits out of a post-revolutionary funk.  I don’t know if it worked, but a thousand screenwriters on a thousand grams of cocaine couldn’t come up with a Danny McBride vehicle this brilliant. Some of the details:

Addressing the crowd of a few hundred Egyptians bused in for the spectacle, Mr. Al Essawy roared: “Who is the lion?”
“You are the lion!” a couple dozen shouted back.
To pull off his latest feat, Mr. Al Essawy bought a 6-year-old lion for 25,000 Egyptian pounds, or about $4,250, five months ago from someone he declined to identify. He paid to build a 700-square-foot steel cage in the middle of a wheat field here, in the verdant Nile River Delta. He hired buses to transport hundreds of spectators from the city of Mansoura, about an hour away.
On Saturday Mr. Al Essawy stepped into the cage, which was painted like an Egyptian flag, sporting a ponytail, a tank top scrawled with a pro-Palestinian slogan and the traditional Palestinian headdress, a kafiya, wrapped around his neck.
Despite vows he would be unarmed, Mr. Al Essawy brought with him a double-pronged spear, the satellite-dish “shield’ spiked with nails, a machete on his belt and a dagger strapped to his ankle. As Mr. Al Essawy strutted around the cage, spectators gasped. Cameras clicked furiously.
After 20 minutes of watching the swaggering and speech-making, the lion briefly roused itself for a short roar when Mr. Al Essawy thrust his spear a little too close. But when Mr. Al Essawy hardened his jaw and grinned aggressively, the lion sat down, apparently unmoved even when Mr. Al Essawy called it a coward.
That was enough for Mr. Al Essawy to declare victory. He emerged from the cage, and friends and relatives lifted him onto their shoulders.
Having survived, Mr. Al Essawy is preparing to up the ante. In one month’s time, he plans to fight two lions at once. Or perhaps a gorilla, he said. Or maybe a shark. [WallStreetJournal]

Reminds me of the time Gary Busey fed a goat a couple quaaludes and date raped it in a food court (it was a protest against going off the Gold Standard).  You know what I’d fight if I had eight thousand dollars?  Two lions, man.  At the same time.  Anyway, the crowd shouted “Allahu Akbar” and Al Essawy blamed some stuff on the Jews, but tomato tomahto, with a couple of tweaks this could totally play in the flyover states.

“This summer… Danny McBride, in a Paul Thomas Anderson film… The Lion Wrestler. ” (*McBride jumps off top rope in slow motion, Bruce Springsteen sings sad song about three-legged dog*)