"SHUT YOUR EYES! HIS SPARKLING PENIS IS LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!"
Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer's most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy's Choice Awards -- what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn. Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?). But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it's still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?). We've got your breakdown.
GRRR, VAMPIRE WEDDING INVITATIONS! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
A WEDDING INVITATION?? WHY I'M SO FURIOUS I COULD JUST TAKE MY SHIRT OFF AND RUN THROUGH THE RAIN!!
DON'T DO IT, JAKE! THEM WHITE FOLKS AIN'T WORTH IT! TAKE IT FROM A WISE OLD INDIAN IN A WHEELCHAIR! (*Jacob throws wedding invitation at his feet, single tear rolls down old man's cheek*)
BELLA ROSE PETALS SPARKLING SWAN: Let's invite my kooky aunt.
EDWARD HERCULES J. BILLIONAIRE CULLEN: Aww, not the one that lives on a cheesy greenscreen set!
[Actually, that's Sarah Clarke playing Bella's mom, Reneé Dwyer, whom wikipedia describes thusly: "After Renée remarries a much younger baseball player, Phil Dwyer, Bella sends herself to live with her father in Forks so that Renée and Phil can travel together. Edward describes Renée's mind as being insightful and almost childlike." Speaking of childlike minds, with Stephenie Meyer writing this, Reneé's choice of husband was basically limited to fireman, baseball player, or astronaut.]
EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! Ha, "Masen." I love that even when she's trying to be all classy (SWANS! FOUR-NAMED BOYFRIENDS!), Stephenie Meyer's predilection for misspelled white trash names still shines through. What is it with white trash families and purposely-misspelled names, anyway? Some girl I went to high school with was asking for male baby name suggestions on Facebook the other day, and I sh*t you not one of the comments was "Jaxxon" (Jackson). Dear God. That kid might as well come out holding a spit cup.
Hmm, this seems to be an establishing shot. But I'm confused, where is this wedding taking place? A fictional coastline somewhere?
OH RIGHT, BRAZIL. No fair trying to make me guess without this. You can't show Brazil without the giant Jesus statue! It's against the law! That's like a talking chihuahua without a Mexican accent.
THIS MARRIAGE NIGHT DEFLOWERING IS SO HOT I'M CRUSHING THE HEADBOARD WITH MY BARE HANDS! OOH WHA-AH AH-ABSTINENCE IS SEXY! THANK GOD THE HOTEL MANAGER DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS OUR FIRST TIME OR ELSE WE NEVER COULD'VE AFFORDED THE DEPOSIT! FORNICATORS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING!
YOU'RE TEARING THIS BED APAAAAHT, EDWARD! AAAHHHH WAITING FOR MARRIAGE IS SO MUCH SEXIER! YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THE SEXIEST SEX INVOLVES FEATS OF STRENGTH! ONE TIME MY GIRLFRIEND BLEW ME SO GOOD I TORE A PHONEBOOK IN HALF, YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
[Thanks in advance to Danger Guerrero, for letting me borrow his "Scene Breakdown" structure]
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I think you’re too hard on the baby name Jaxxon. That is, if she plans on having a black cyborg.
I feel violated. And a little hungry.
It is pretty clear from those screencaps that Edward SparklyVampire has never listened to Tenacious D’s seminal classic, “Fuck Her Gently”
P.S. Teehee, seminal.
WEDDING INVITATIONS MAKE ALPACAS ANGRY!
In fact, wedding invitations are the alpacas biggest natural enemy. I caught a show on the Discovery channel where I saw an alpaca charge and tear the shit out of an eggshell colored, embossed invite. Patrick Bateman would have turned over in his grave.
Good choice on Bella’s part. If the vampire can scramble her eggs in the throes of passion, who knows what a werewolf could have done to her.
This reminds me of the coach from Mean Girls.
“Do NOT have sex. If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die.”
My wife is going to make me see this. And I won’t get to sit there and make snarky comments. I may burst like a infected appendix from holding them in.
The things I do for regular sex/love of my family.
The Mighty Feklahr fervently hopes a teaser alternate ending is leaked where Edward and Jacob looked at each other really friggin’ confused when the baby comes out black, and then they take her to Maury for a DNA test and find out the father is Count Chocula!!! Oh the drama!
*pops a few vicodin, huffs jenkem*
I think that werewolf boy’s Dad was crying on account of him littering. His spirit animal is toootally the badger. GET OFF MY BACK DAD!
Eddie Tony Massen Culen, will you put a demon babay in me?
Pretty sure the bachelor party happened in Bangcock.
I see your Jaxxon and raise you a name actually chosen by a white trash couple I am friends with on Facebook: Tyton. That name is the total package of white trash names. It’s misspelled but it has the added bonus of adding a hard syllable that isn’t present in the correct spelling. The bar has been raised.
I don’t get it, is the bed Dawn?
Good lord if they made Pattinson look any paler they’d have to dye his hair red.
@chelle: from all the feathers in the posters I think Stephenie Meyer just misspelled “Down”.
That trailer needs 100% more Incubus; may I recommend “Down With the [sic]ness”?
On the flip side, I am also Facebook friends with a overly maternal 22 year old who has 2 boys named Holden and Skyler, but that’s a whole other topic.
The Mighty Feklahr is beginning to think maybe we are a little too hard on Twihards, at the end of the day we are talking about 7th grade reading level Mary Sues that fucksaw themselves with dongs out of the icebox…by all accounts evolution should have bred these morons out on or about the industrial revolution (you know, large dangerous machinery?), yet here we are.
You human baktags have it made as a species, not even crazy old cat ladies donging themselves with subzero love toys inhibits your growth into the billions. YOU ARE BLOWING THE MINDS OF VULCAN SCIENTISTS EVERYWHERE.
The Mighty Feklahr wonders how many Twihards are celebrating their fifth anniversary today? Oooo…scary!
The wedding was so beautiful. Scary beautiful.
(Publisher’s Note: Be on the lookout for Stephanie Meyer’s new book series SCARY BEAUTIFUL, the saga of a mysterious rhinocerous’ forbidden romance with an innocent volunteer nurse in Africa.)
Man good thing that invitation was laminated…
Printed invitation? I expected an EvilVite.
That’s so creepy–marrying your high school boyfriend.
Ok 2 things Vince.
First dont you have better things to do other than posting this? Like shooping photos of dogs or jacking off on the jack off couch
Second if there is no Twilight themed porno after this movie i will rip my shirt off and run through the rain in anger
I am a 28 years old nurse, young and beautiful. Now I am seeking an older gentle man
who can give me real love , so i got a username Annababe2011 on—Se’e k c’ou g’ar. C oM— A nice club for y’ounger women and older men, or older women and younger men,
to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck it out or tell your friends.
First dont you have better things to do other than posting this? Like shooping photos of dogs or jacking off on the jack off couch
This breakdown is 10x better than any previous Twilight movie. (Forced to take one for the team)