Greetings, Drunkards. Our video editor, Oliver Noble and I had an idea recently (by which I mean he came up with an idea for which I was willing to share credit). Every time we post a mashup or supercut, people seem to have great ideas about what scenes should’ve been included in it. Whenever he forgets something I try to make sure he knows it, but as the parents and nurses among you have no doubt discovered, you can only beat a person so much before they just plum stop learning. So we figured, why not open it up for suggestions before the fact? So here’s our first attempt at this, which we’ll probably give a catchy name, like “Oliver Says Cut Yourself,” or some such. Personal letter from Oliver to follow:
—
What’s Your Favorite Dirty Talk From A Movie Sex Scene?
Hello FilmDrunk peanut gallery Valued commenters,
i’m taking a few moments from my work in the luxurious editing suite the UPROXX team has been gracious enough to give me in an attempt to enList your assistance, kind readers, and I definitely would not be trying to coMmunicate a secret message to you. I am currently working on two Brand new supercuts
- Best Pickup Lines In Cinema
- Best dirty talk in movie sex scenes (pre or post coitus also works for me)
Seeing as how you armchair critics knowledgeable cinefiles always want to make like Ebert and run your fuc*ing mouths insigHtfully point out the various shorTcomings in my supercuts in the comments, I thought that if I included you in the process froM the beginning, it might shut you up increase the quality of my work.
As further incentive, FilmDrunk mastermind, Vince, Has personally volunteered to lick maple syrup off the taint of whoever comes up with a suggestion I use*
Suck my balls Warmly,
Oliver Noble
FilmDrunk Editor (*cough*) callthepolice! (*cough, cough*)
*Must provide own syrup. Airfare to San Francisco not included
—
So what do you say, gang? Do I have to beat his ass again?
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“I’m going to break your dick off.”–beerfest
Not sure if it counts as a sex scene but theres a bit around 5-10 mins in to Survival of the Dead where a girl is sitting in her jeep touching herself and just before climax says “all the wrong people are dying”.
I laughed.
Oliver: is it true that Vince calls your ass his “Noble Piece Prize”?
And what the fuck does “Helep” mean??
Obviously, this needs that classic line from Shark Attack 3…
“What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?”
ANCHORMAN
Ron – “Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.”
Veronica – “Do me on it!”
CRASH
Catherine & James sex scene in Cronenberg’s “Crash.” Catherine – “Can you imagine what his anus is like? Describe it to me. Would you like to sodomize him? Would you like to put your penis right into his anus, thrust it up his anus?”
I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school” -Marla Singer, Fight Club
Not really sure if it’s exactly what you’re looking for but everything Richard Gere says in Internal Affairs is hair raisingly creepy. “I’m gonna fuck her for a while and teach her how to come.” or “You know what she really wanted? You know? Yeah, I should have guessed. She liked it in the ass, Raymond. That’s right. Right in the fucking ass! Drove her crazy. She came so much, for a second I thought she was going to pass out on me.”
Selma Blair in Storytelling has to make the list, and maybe “What’s my name? Say my name, bitch!” from American Pie. I’m sure I’ll come up with a bunch more after you’re done making it and I can criticize you for not thinking of them first.
“Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails? Whores bath? Personally, before I’m on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how’s your father!”
-Austin Powers.
“I promise I’ll never die.”
- Team America: World Police
Oooooh, don’t forget Brando asking for a finger up his ass in Last Tango in Paris.
Oh, almost forgot:
“That was reeeaaalll sweet.”
-American History X. Post-coitus.
Hate the movie if you want, but Chasing Amy: “Can I just tell people all you needed was some serious deep dicking?”
[www.youtube.com]
@9:58 – “You’re lucky coz you’re PEACHY! You’re lucky coz you’re FUCKY!”
…amongst other pre-sodomy gems.
Scary Movie 2: “I’m gonna make this mine. I’m gonna shit on these walls! Then I’m gonna fart in your mouth!”
“So what do you think, do you want to have sex tonight?” “Ugh, I’m just really constipated. Do you still want to?” “Well, now”
–Knocked up
And this isn’t really pre or post sex, but it’s still great.
“You better shut your mouth or I’m gonna fuck it”
–Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Sleepers
Brad Renfro : What do you want?
Kevin Bacon : A blow job… Down on your knees.
Around 42:30 into the movie via Netflix.
“Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa Fuck me Santa”
–Bad Santa
“I’ve had sex before, just never with a person.”
–Road Trip
“I have a boner”
–Superbad
“I was just cooking a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?”
“Very hot and awfully wet.”
–The Naked Gun
“Your gun is digging into my hip.”
–Ace Ventura
“Good thing I’m drunk, this is lasting forever.”
–Knocked Up
“I can’t believe I’m having sex with George Simmons. My dad loves your movies.”
“Yeah, that’s the best when you talk about your dad.”
–Funny People
Ooh, let’s not forget “last time I didn’t shit right for a week” from Bad Santa.
Finally thought of a pickup line.
“I was going to ask you out but then I realized how stupid that would be.”
–Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Pickup line when Colin Farrell first walks up to the girl.
“A lot of midgets tend to kill themselves. A disproportionate amount, actually.”
–In Bruges
“Nice set of hooters you got there.”
–Dumb and Dumber
♫ I was booooorn to love you
I was born to lick your face
I was born to rub you
But you were born to rub me first ♫
- Caddyshack. Duh.
And there’s probably 3 or 4 clips you can use from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Any scene with Jack McBrayer and his girlfriend. Then the scene where Kristen Bell is trying to have loud sex so Jason Segel can hear. She screams really loud Russell Brand has this great look on his face. Then the whole “maybe you tore my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn’t want to be near you anymore!”
Silence of the Lambs
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Also, Joe Dirt.
spazmodic’s got a good one, but I think the “I paid for these Calvins…they are mine!” quote is the best option for the montage.
Also, Jeff Goldblum’s sex growl/laugh in the helicopter in Jurassic Park may or may not make the cut. ([www.youtube.com])
Fletch: Why don’t we go lay on the bed and I’ll fill you in?
spazmodic’s got a good one
You just won the pick-up line contest, Doc.
Well why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife. – Bernie [Old School]
“Here’s my card.”
“I don’t need that. I’m a detective, I’ll find you…no I’m just kidding, I need the card.”
–The Departed
“You get your period yet, Carmen?”
–The Departed
“So what’s up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I’m first. I hate sloppy seconds.”
–Dogma
“Everyone’s been really nice.”
“Well, that’s because you have big jugs.”
–Liar Liar
“Suck me, beautiful.”
–American Pie
“You’re good looking, you got a beautiful body, beautiful legs, beautiful face, all these guys in love with you. Only you’ve got a look in your eye like you haven’t been fucked in a year.”
–Scarface
“The world’s going to end unless we have sex right now!”
–The Invention of Lying
The Rock.
“You like my pigtails?”
“Oh, yeah, the pigtails
are very naughty.”
“Naughty. Naughty.” (said w/ Nic Cage crazy)
“Just the Amaretto cream
with peach sorbet persuasion.”
“Hey, it takes a village.”
“What?”
“Hillary Clinton. I’m kind of into politics.”
“Well, I’m kind of engaged.”
“I kind of have a boner.”
–Role Models
(Thomas Jane going down on Cameron Diaz)
“You’re so good at that.”
“If you don’t mind I’d like to do that every hour on the hour for the rest of our lives.”
“Of course, go right ahead.”
“And don’t worry about returning the favor. Men don’t really like oral sex.”
–The Sweetest Thing
“You have really kind eyes, do you know that?”
“Thanks. Umm…your hat has sequins.”
–The 40 Year Old Virgin
“Andy, have you ever heard the term ‘fuck buddy’?”
“No…what’s that?”
“Well, it’s a special…friend…who you fuck.”
–The 40 Year Old Virgin
“Hi”
“Hi”
“Hi”
“Hi”
“Hi”
“Ok, can you stop doing that?”
–Forgetting Sarah Marshall
“Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I just came”
–Forgetting Sarah Marshall
A few from Hot Rod (a seriously underrated movie).
“(softly and nervously) You look pretty.”
“What?”
“Uhh, I said you look shitty! Goodnight!”
“So, Denise, tell me about Jonathan. What’s that dude all about?”
“Well, we’ve been going out for about a year.”
“Mhmm, and it’s going well?”
“Yeah, yeah. I mean, every relationship has its ups and downs.”
“Right, I’ve heard that. And he’s a nice guy?”
“Oh, yeah. I mean, he’s really smart. He’s actually in line to become a junior partner at his law firm.”
“Right, totally. You guys should break up.”
Touche, that guy.
*tips hat*
Corky: What are you doing?
Violet: Isn’t it obvious? I’m trying to seduce you.
From “Bound” . . . holy crap do I love that movie.
“I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.”
–Step Brothers
“Sabrina, don’t just stare at it, eat it.”
–American Psycho
“Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.”
–Van Wilder
“Oh, Gwen! Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus! Oh! Oh! Oh, I’m fairly confident I’m going to ejaculate. I’m releasing some of my seminal fluids inside of you now!”
–Van Wilder
Scene in Grandma’s Boy where he is jerking off to the Laura Croft doll and cums on his friend’s mom.
(*Butthead to Chelsea Clinton*) “Hey, baby. I noticed you have braces. I have braces too.”
–Beavis and Butthead Do America
Megan: I want to feel you inside me, RIGHT NOW!
From “Blown Away” starring both Coreys and Nicole Eggert at her finest.
Also . . . Nice duck.
I am a 28 years old doctor, mature and beautiful.and now I am seeking a good man who can give me real love , so i got a username Andromeda2002 on–s’e'ek’c'ou’ga’r.c óm–.it is the first and best club for y’ounger women and old’er men, or older women and y’ounger men,to int’eract with each other. Maybe you wanna ch’eck ‘it out or tell your friends!
spazmodic’s got a good one, but I think the “I paid for these Calvins…they are mine!” quote is the best option for the montage.
Are we counting accidental innuendo?
“I hope you’ve got a big trunk… ’cause I’m puttin’ my bike in it!”
Barry: I’m lookin’ at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin’ smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You’re so pretty.
Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.
[pause]
Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.
-Punch Drunk Love
Oh! And the Satan/Saddam sex scene from the South Park movie is fantastic, because pretty much anything is funny in that Saddam voice.
“You like that, dontcha’ bitch?!”
“Never…stop…fucking me!”
–Jerry Maguire
“Now, be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don’t you?”
“Kind of.”
“I know this is our first date but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you could think of me?”
“Well, I haven’t made love to him yet.”
“That’s too bad. Do you think it’s possible that someday you could make love with me and think of him?”
“Who knows? Maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.”
“I’d be happy to be in there somewhere.”
–The Jerk
“I want to be on you.”
–Anchorman
Llewelyn Moss: You keep runnin’ that mouth I’m gonna’ take you in the back and screw ya’.
-No Country for Old Men
Thanks for the suggestions, gang. I’ll check back here more as I’m putting this thing together, so keep ‘em coming if you got ‘em. This one is going to be fun!
… – .. .-.. .-.. / .. -. / -… .- … . — . -. – .-.-.- / .– …. .- – / – …. . / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / –. ..- -.– … ..–..
As stupid as it seems, I submit the scene from Gone in 60 Seconds where Nic Cage and Angelina are waiting in the parking lot for a couple to finish up their own business. Car-related dirty talk always does it for me.
Can I also second Wanwow’s suggestion? It sounds awesome.
“I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.” -Leslie Nielsen
Both of these from Silence of the Lambs. For the dirtiness and for the context-free hilarity
“I can smell your cunt.”
And later in that same scene when the prisoner throws his jizz all over Jodie Foster. Best pickup line in the history of cinema?
s-t-i-l-l / i-n / b-a-s-e-m-e-n-t / w-h-a-t / t-h-e / f-u-c-k …
… Nuksé?
Towards the end of the first Scary Movie when Anna Farris starts yelling and grunting with that deep demon voice. Still makes me laugh
Anytime post-sex in Burn After Reading when George Clooney walks out of the bathroom, slaps his stomach and says “Hey maybe I can get a run in”
Oh man
“That was incredible. Was it good for you?”
“I’ve had better.”
–Liar Liar
–Something unexpected surprise–
Hello. My friend
=== {{w w w }} {{be tter whole saler }} {{ u s }} ====
— — (w w w ).( jordan forworld ). (c o m ) —-
Dedi cated service, the new style, believing you will love it!!!
WE ACCEPT PYA PAL PAY MENT. YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!! thank you!!!
believing that we have something for you. Please be assured that your choice .
And there’s gotta be a clip with Jaison fock’n Stafam. The sex scene in Crank works well, specifically when The Stath shouts “I’m alive! I’M ALIVE!” and the camera zooms out and the crowd starts cheering
Sidenote: have you ever taken an adderall and stayed up all night studying for a final? Asking for a friend
Adderall’s nickname should be “editor’s little helper”
“And the first thing that flashed into my gulliver was that I’d like to have her right down there on the floor with the old in-out, real savage”. –Clockwork Orange
Dorothy Vallens: Hello, baby.
Frank Booth: Shut up! It’s Daddy, you shit head! Where’s my bourbon? Can’t you fucking remember anything?
“Give ti to me you big stud!”
“I’m not a stud! I’m (*takes off mask*) JIZZ MASTER ZERO!”
–Orgazmo
:;spoken with no emotion whatsoever:: “Oh Ramone, you’re penis is so powerful. I’m coming. Ok thanks getoffmenow”.
– Mira Sorvino: Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.
The ridiculous manly-sounding begging of Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball. “MAKE ME FEEL GOOOOOOD!!!”
The whole supercut should just be 20 minutes of selma blair’s sex scene in Storytelling.
several good ones from wet hot american summer here’s one:
“I want you inside me” -Michael Showalter
Haven’t read all the comments yet, so I don’t know if someone already put this up…
40 Year Old Virgin. The scene where Steve Carrell picks up Elizabeth Banks at the club:
“I hope you have a big trunk, ‘cuz I’m gonna put my bike in it.”
Michael Cera in Juno:
“Wizard.”
The scene where they rape vingh rames in pulp fiction is nice, and natural born killers has some good lines i cant rmember
Vicki: “I’m a virgin.”
MacGruber: “Not for long.”
MacGruber: “I’m gonna fill you up.”
Vicki: “Yeah, I’m gonna fill you up. I’m gonna fill you up!”
MacGruber: “What? No. Let me do the talking.”
And pretty much the whole cemetery scene from MacGruber.
“I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school.” -Marla Singer, Fight Club
The cut to marching band in Get Carter.
Idea for a future supercut…
People talking to themselves in the mirror.
Martin Blank (Grosse Pointe Blank): “You’re a handsome devil. What’s your name?”
Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver): “You talkin’ to me?”
Actually Erectus, he says that line to the dossier that turns out to be Minnie Driver’s dad. The lines in the mirror are him practicing fake jobs to claim he has as he prepares for the reunion.
From King Pin:
” What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.”
Let’s play chess and It’s twue! It’s twue!.
Club Dread:
“I thought I heard something”
“Was it a mysterious sucking sound?”
“I am not familiar with the Oral Roberts, is that like the Dirty Sanchez?”
“What are you some kind of crazy, praying mantis woman?”
Super Troopers:
“I’m gonna show you where the Wild Goose goes.”
“Who wants a mustache ride?”
“I do”
“I do!”
Princess Bride:
“There’s a severe shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It’d be a shame to ruin yours.”
“What is it about good sex that just makes me have to crap?”
-Kingpin
Damnit, Peter Handler.
“HEY BABY, YOU EVER HAD YOUR ASSHOLE LICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?”
-Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Also, the whole ‘Phone Sex Grandma’ video.
Dorothy Vallens: I have a part of you with me. You put your disease in me. It helps me. It makes me strong.
Frank Booth: Let’s fuck! I’ll fuck anything that moves!
Teri Garr and Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein with their mid-coital renditions of “Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life”
From American Beauty
[Carolyn is having sex in a motel room with the Buddy Kane, the Real Estate King]
Buddy Kane: Do you like getting nailed by the King?
Carolyn Burnham: Yes, your majesty!
I love the way Annette Bening’s feet are turned in during this shagging. Very impressive, Pete Gallagher!
Maverick: That’s right! Ice…man. I am dangerous. [Iceman bites]
-Top Gun
Real Genius- back when Val Kilmer was, um, not incredibly damaging to any movie he’s in.
Chris Knight: No seriously, listen…if there’s ever anything I can do for you, or more to the point, to you, you let me know, okay?
Susan Decker: Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan Decker: A girl’s got to have her standards.
For dirty talk, the phone sex scene in Get Carter is pretty fantastic. And for smooth moves, you have to admire Jake Blues working his *sunglasses* mojo on Crazy Carrie Fisher near the end of Blues Brothers.
Maude: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: ‘Scuse me?
Maude: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
The Dude: I was talking about my rug.
Maude: You’re not interested in sex?
The Dude: You mean coitus?
Game of Thrones
Theon: I don’t want to pay for it.
Roz: Then get yourself a wife.
Face/Off
Castor Troy: I could eat a peach for hours.
and
Castor Troy: If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Mike Damone: I think I just came. Didn’t you feel it?
There’s a case to be made for directness. E.g. Jackie Brown>/em>:
<fuck/>
Some less than enthusiastic phone sex from CB4: “Yeah, yeah, I’m licking your balls. Best balls I ever had. Uh-huh. You got King Kong balls.”
The Straight out of Locash track could pass as pillow talk: “I’ll fuck your sister, I’ll fuck your cat, I woulda fucked your momma but your momma’s too fat.”
In Heathers, J.D. rescues Veronica from her “get shitfaced and tip cows” double date: “Our love is God, let’s go get a Slushie.”
300 “This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. I’m not your King.”
So somebody beat me to Marla Singer and the giant crap line from Kingpin but if the montage doesn’t END with Marla’s grade school line . . . YOU. ARE. DEAD. 2. ME.
How about the alternate version of the Marla Singer line from the alternate scenes:
“I wanna have your abortion”
Shaun of the Dead…
Shaun: I just wish we could…
Ed: Fuck!
Shaun: spend some alone time together…
Ed: Bollocks!
40 year old virgin
” She would be down for…sex all the time! I’d be nailing her, and she’d be all like” aww, you’re nailing me,cool!!”
American Psycho
” Do you like Phil Collins?”
” I dont want you to get drunk, but thats a very fine chardonnay you’re not drinking.”
” Sabrina dont just stare at it, eat it!”
Kids
“I’ll fuck you so goooood, you’ll love it.”
Pulp Fiction
“Will you give me oral pleasure?”
Blazing Saddles:
“It’s twue! IT’s twue!”
Election:
The scene where Matthew Broderick sees Reese Witherspoon’s face on the back of the woman’s head
Good Luck Chuck:
[Dane Cook tries to kiss her]
“I don’t do that with guys.”
[continues riding Dane Cook]
Planet Terror:
“I like the way you say f#ck.”
Punch-Drunk Love:
“I wanna punch you in the face.”
Boogie Nights:
“And don’t f#%king cum in me.”
“Sprat it on her t!ts, son.”
I’m trying to remember as many as I can, but I feel like I really have to dig for them, now.
Not sure how many here have seen “Hobo with a Shotgun” but when the cop is talking to the prostitute he says “You’re so beautiful you make me wanna cut my dick off and rub it all over you”.
I think the full line was actually “I want to cut my dick off and rub it all over your titties,” but good call, that was awesome.
“I’m not gonna even fuck you… I’m just gonna lick your pussy.”
Shia LaBeouf in a Guide to Recognizing Your Saints… because it’s so gross to hear him say that.
“I’m gonna lick your pussy because me and Mike are going to California” works even better because HUH? It’s super out of context. He’s at a balcony window in that scene.
“I don’t want you freaking out on me catching feelings and shit. I’m not into girls. I just like my pussy licked and you like to lick it. That’s our dynamic. No more no less.”
Mila Kunis to Zoe Saldana in a dorm room in After Sex… hottest scene EVAR.
And a later scene in the library is great too: “You taste fucking delicious.”
My all-time favorite would have to be from the movie “Tiptoes”(NETFLIX THAT SHIT RITE NAO!!).
Matthew Mconadouche and Kate Beckinshittyactress are having some seriously bonding pillow talk, and Beckinsdale is leaning on her side staring into McConaughey’s eyes:
Kate Beckinsdale: “Tell me, did you ever have a relationship with a dwarf? Sexually, I mean.”
Matthew McConaughey: Well, sometimes, you know how it is, all the kids would get together, sit in a circle, and play doctor..”
Beckinsdale’s eyes light up, she is so full of love for the man, you can just feel her uterus dilating as her ovaries drop and she replies: “So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would love to see that! “
Holy shit why did I not know about that movie After Sex? This whole thread is moot now. Just take the entire vignette with Mila Kunis and Zoe Saldana, put it on a loop for like an hour, and you may very well break youtube.
“Dont just stare at it, eat it” – American Psycho
“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.” – Bette Davis, All About Eve
“Steve? Don’t cum yet.” – Xavier McDaniel, Singles
“You no wan blekfass?” – 28 years old Asian lady, mature and beautiful, Happy Gilmore
Anything James Spader says in sex, lies and videotape.
Eightball from Full Metal Jacket — “What we have here, little yellow sister, is a magnificent specimen of pure Alabama Blacksnake. But it ain’t too goddamned beaucoup.”
Delightful.
From Shark Attack 3:
“I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?”
[youtu.be]
Pauly Shore in Bio Dome…
“Did it hurt?”
>”Did what hurt?”
“When you fell from heaven?”
“Are you tired?”
>”No, why”
“Cause you been running around in my head all day”
Go Bobby Peru! [www.youtube.com] I’m sure someone mentioned American Psycho as well…
What about the scene in Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel and the two tweenage girls in the car?
Does pay-cable count? I love this one from Will Farrell in Eastbound And Down: I had a dream about this moment… When I was making love… to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said “No, Gabriel! Leave!” And I said “No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch.” Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch.