Captain America is probably going to suck, but at least now it has a trailer and poster that will help you pretend it won’t for a few minutes. The most solid trailer to date, this one shows how it was that the CGI weakling Chris Evans (a 90-pound asthmatic) came to be recruited into Operation Steroids Are Awesome by America’s foremost big-titted scientist (not to be confused with Blake Lively, America’s foremost big-titted test pilot). Sgt. Von Spectacles, Stanley Tucci, tells Drill Instructor McPockmark, Tommy Lee Jones, that the qualities he’s looking for are “more than physical,” the same lie I’m constantly telling Match.com. That’s when he throws a fake grenade on the ground and Chris Evans immediately dives on it like a Jersey Shore castmember (I’m sorry. So very sorry.). After that, he’s in. Then they shoot him full of ‘roids and shave his chest, and all the chicks’ panties get moist while Tool plays. USA! USA! USA! (*points foam #1 finger, helicopters penis*)
As wicked Bawstonian as Chris Evans is, it must’ve hurt his soul a little bit to say that “I’m from Brooklyn” line. “I’m sawry, fathah, fa rye have sinned against the Sawx. I prawmise to say foahteen hail Welkahs and sawk the next queah Yankees fan I see right in the jawr. Fa revah an evah amen.”