Captain America is probably going to suck, but at least now it has a trailer and poster that will help you pretend it won’t for a few minutes. The most solid trailer to date, this one shows how it was that the CGI weakling Chris Evans (a 90-pound asthmatic) came to be recruited into Operation Steroids Are Awesome by America’s foremost big-titted scientist (not to be confused with Blake Lively, America’s foremost big-titted test pilot). Sgt. Von Spectacles, Stanley Tucci, tells Drill Instructor McPockmark, Tommy Lee Jones, that the qualities he’s looking for are “more than physical,” the same lie I’m constantly telling Match.com. That’s when he throws a fake grenade on the ground and Chris Evans immediately dives on it like a Jersey Shore castmember (I’m sorry. So very sorry.). After that, he’s in. Then they shoot him full of ‘roids and shave his chest, and all the chicks’ panties get moist while Tool plays. USA! USA! USA! (*points foam #1 finger, helicopters penis*)
As wicked Bawstonian as Chris Evans is, it must’ve hurt his soul a little bit to say that “I’m from Brooklyn” line. “I’m sawry, fathah, fa rye have sinned against the Sawx. I prawmise to say foahteen hail Welkahs and sawk the next queah Yankees fan I see right in the jawr. Fa revah an evah amen.”
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Chris Evans dives on a grenade for ‘Murica
He fucks Adele?
What a coincindence. Fahwty six n two is the Sawx record versus dose Bronx queahs tha last 4 seasons.
Fuck all that WWII nonsense, when does he ride a luckdragon back into the city to chase that bully into a trash can?
Aw, I wish I had big boobs so I could be the best at something.
“Fathah” of course being Teddy Basebawl.
She’s fantasizing about motorboating Cap’s boobs.
It’s about damn time someone stuck it to the Nazis!
Seeing as he was now Captain America, in keeping with his country’s tradition, among his first acts was to buy stolen property from a white guy and lie to some brown people.
He shaved his chest as a message to Harry Manback.
he shaved his chest as a message to serena williams?
Brooklyn guy in the 40′s who wears blue and white, he’d obviously be a Dodger fan.
Today’s Yankee fans are 20% people who live in the Bronx, 60% bandwagoners (…bandwagoneers?), and 20% people who go “Remember back when baseball was great, and it was just white guys?”
“I am looking for qualities beyond ze physical” is what girls like me say when we’re looking for guys out at the bars. We’re lying, but at least we do it in that delightful accent
Wow, Vince! Mark this day on your calendar. A real girl commented on your blog. With Chino and Patty, we really have no idea. I mean, honestly, how do we know that Chino isn’t one of Fek’s alter-egos, or that Patty isn’t actually PaulyD in drag? We don’t know. That’s the point. But this one looks like a real live girl, Vince. Take my word for it, she’s a keeper.
There are a lot of big titted Computer Programmers, but those tits are owned by dudes.
You laugh, but Seal Team Six is also led by a guy in blue tights with a giant “A” on his head, carrying a shiny red shield and wearing wings on his head.
So, the Howling Commandos are in this one? Back when Nick Fury was– how shall we say– NOT a colored guy?
Chris Evans dives on a grenade for ‘Murica
/bruno mars’d
But how can the Human Torch be the SAME GUY as Captain America??? And could Hulk beat up Superman? And could Batman pick up Thor’s hammer? And…
Two of those three were real questions I heard asked at a comic book store. You pick which on is the fake one.
/working hard to bury my nerdy past
Also, still, looks a shit ton better than Green Lantern.
That helmet still looks fucking retarded. It reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer has a bucket stuck on his head.
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the Howling Commandos are in this one? Back when Nick Fury was– how shall we say– NOT a colored guy?