Ever wonder what a Papa Roach cover of “Under the Sea” might sound like? You may still find out, now that Sony is moving forward with a reimagining of The Little Mermaid. If you guessed that this reimagining involves making the source dark™er and more gritty®, congratulations, you’ve read a Hollywood trade before. It’s funny, it doesn’t seem like making something dark and gritty would take much imagining at all, let alone RE-imagining.
Incidentally, Firefox spellcheck still doesn’t recognize the word “reimagining.” I envy you, Firefox, I really do.
Hans Christian Andersens’ The Little Mermaid is the latest fairy tale to follow into the studios thirst for reimaginings*. [How do you "follow into" a "thirst"? Oh nevermind. -Ed]
Sony has picked up Mermaid: A Twist on the Classic Tale, a book by Carolyn Turgeon, for Country Strong filmmaker Shana Feste to write and direct [yes, the woman who tried to make Gwyneth Paltrow a country singer. -Ed]. Tobey Maguire and Jenno Topping, who worked with Feste on Country Strong, are producing.
The story gets its point of view shifted and the tone is definitely not Disney. It centers on a princess who, in order to save her ravaged kingdom, sets out on a dangerous journey to marry the prince of her rival kingdom, not knowing that a beautiful mermaid has fallen for the same man and has sacrificed everything to be with him. [HollywoodReporter]
At least it’s based on a book. Usually producers of dark reimaginings of fairy tales aren’t into books, because the covers clash with their graphic t-shirts of energy drinks. Wait, did you say one of the producers was Tobey Maguire? Why, this doesn’t sound like a Tobey Maguire project at all. He’s such a nice boy. In fact, I suspect this might be the work of… EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE!
*Not to be confused with the planned Joe Wright 3D reimagining of The Little Mermaid that was based on a stage play with puppets.
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Dark and gritty = post-apocalyptic
Like that movie where Kevin Costner was in the desert with a donkey.
The only way they could make less sense than trying to make Gwennie a country singer is if they tried to make LiLo the mermaid who sacrificed everything for other people. Thankfully, I don’t know if they’ll be able to pull her away from her cracksnarfblatt long enough to get it made.
Her castle is protected by a giant Drowning Pool.
Too bad Ratner isn’t directing. Then we’d get hipster Ariel jokes.
Reimagining means this is gonna be a porno now right? God I hope this is gonna be a porno.
<i.If you guessed that this reimagining involves making the source dark™er and more gritty®, congratulations
So they’re going to rerelease the original in theaters with Sony 3-D projectors?
HTMFAIL!!@!@!1!@
This just sounds like Splash. Can’t we all just watch Splash instead?
That mermaid had better have a mouthy Nawlin’s lobster friend who gets his claw ripped off, then gets boiled to death by thugs.
Let the bodies hit the ocean floor
That GIF makes me want to burn burn burn down hot topic.
Ariel busts out her razor every time the director yells CUT!
She thinks she’s a mermaid because a fish saved her from drowning, but really it was just a fluke.
Will Sebastian now become the junkie, irresponsible friend shelling out pearls of wisdom during his lucid moments?
I reimagine this all the time, but instead of dark and gritty, it’s full of lark and titty.
Ain’t that always the way, ladies? You finally find the man you want to marry and you walk in on him going to town on a fish taco
I think about the only good thing that can come from this movie is me, to the red head who plays a half fish.
The new element to the story is Ariel’s attempt to get over her daddy issues is by slamming all the human cock she can.
Down with the seaness
I miss the days when making something dark and gritty meant eating a bran muffin.
They are “re-imagining” it as dark and gritty? Did they ever even read the fucking story? The prince abandons the mermaid, she tries to kill him with a knife, and then dies of starvation on a rock wherein her soulless body turns to foam, never to know peace. Their imagining may in fact be less dark and gritty than a 200 year old children’s story already is.
If making this dark and gritty means that we get to see a mermaid get slapped around, this could be better than the time we got wasted and went to the Calabash Seafood buffet in Myrtle Beach.
Ariel will have a tramp stamp that says “harpoon me”.
This Jenno Topping is so fake, all I can taste is Aspartame. These ‘turgeon’s eggs are pretty gross too. Worst cocktail party ever.
Studio Exec: *on phone* “I think we should reboot the Little Mermaid, but dark and gritty.”
Assistant (holds Master’s degree in English from Columbia): “Sir, have you ever read the original story by Hans Christian Andersen? The mermaid trades her voice to try for a pair of legs that cause her excruciating pain, just so she has the opportunity to meet the prince she rescued from drowning in hopes she will marry him and gain an immortal soul. Ultimately she fails and the prince marries another woman. She is given the chance to return to her old life if she murders the prince, but instead casts herself into the sea where her souless body disintegrates into foam. It’s pretty dark already.”
Exec: *hangs up phone, stares at assistant* “Wow… That is dark. What did you say your name was again?”
Assistant: “My name? It’s Vi-”
Exec: “Anyway, here’s the coffee order and on the way back, stop by the intersection of Wilshire and Lincoln. There’s a guy named Martinez behind Dagwoods. Tell him you’re there to pick up the package for the Disney Studio reboot meetings. Here’s the petty cash, and don’t get pulled over.” *hands assistant wad of $50′s*
Assistant: *sighs* “Right away, sir.”
Exec: *picks up office phone, dials number* “Babe, you’re gonna love this. The Little Mermaid with attempted murder and a gun that turns things into seafoam. What? Yeah. Of course there will be Were-Dolphin Rape. Werephin? Fuckin’ A. Also, the prince is now an Alaskan Crab Fisherman… Of course he drinks Monster. They’re sponsoring this fucking sea-cash-cow, right? Yeah, round up the boys and bring them over here around 3. My assistant should be back by then with the party favors.”
There better be tentacle-rape. And a KOI skin bulletproof vest.
Of course it will. Koi skin vests are the only thing that can prevent the effects of the sea foam disintegration gun.