Looks great, doesn’t it?
THIS WEEK: It seems no one wants to open against the Movie That Shall Not Be Named (above), from producer Jerry Bruckheimer (heretofore referred to as “The Antichrist”). Unless you live in NY or LA, which case you can see Woody Allen’s latest, which the critics assure us is more than just another turgid discussion about categorical imperatives. The good news is, Hesher is still out! See it! AND, this week’s guide prominently features both Pete Hammond and Armond White.
Movies Covered This Week: MTSHNBN, Midnight in Paris (NY and LA), Louder Than a Bomb, Horrible Movie Night (LA), Too Big to Fail (HBO).
The Movie That Shall Not Be Named (MTSHNBN): Johnny Depp is back, with MORE EYELINER! MORE SH*T IN HIS HAIR! MORE WINKY SWASHBUCKLING!
ROTTENTOMATOES SCORE: 34%
GRATUITOUS REVIEW QUOTES:
“Marshall deserves props for putting the ‘show’ back into the [MTSHNBN] business. But face it, he’s polishing a giant turd.” -Peter Travers, RollingStone
“YAWNY DEPP” -Headline, NY Post
“Its one real act of piracy is stealing away your excitement.” -Owen Glieberman, EW
“Repetitious, tedious, and pretty much joyless.” -Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel
“Disney should prepare for another huge Pirate’s booty.” -Pete Hammond
“This is the perfect summer movie.” -Pete Hammond
“The best Pirates of them all.” -Pete Hammond
“An exciting blend of clever comedy, swashbuckling adventure and thrilling action, all in brilliant digital 3D.” -Pete Hammond
“Depp is perfect.” -Pete Hammond
“Depp and Cruz sizzle onscreen.” -Pete Hammond
“Box office will be through the roof worldwide, hopefully leading to the beginning of a new trilogy [!!!!] with these irresistible scallywags.” -Pete Hammond
“Rob Marshall uses his background in movie musicals to bring an almost lyrical grace to the mayhem.” -Pete Hammond
While I don’t have any hard proof that the studio paid Pete Hammond for that review, I will say that if he gives that kind of blow job for free he’s a disgrace to whores.
ARMCHAIR ANALYSIS: I missed my MTSHNBN press screening this week, unfortunately. But based on that clip at the top of the page, I assume the whole thing is Johnny Depp swinging from chandeliers, ruining fancy dinner parties, and juggling a priceless vase while a monkey sidekick covers his eyes.
NEXT PAGE: Midnight in Paris (you won’t want to miss Armond White’s review!)
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Well that sucks, now my weekend is looking as dead as Randy Savage. Ooh, sorry, too soon?
I hate to break it down to you, but that gif of McAdams’ butt I believe is a body double.
I’ve heard that, and I pretend that I didn’t.
The studios pay Pete Hammond in rabbits.
It’s just a question of whether his handler George lets him pet them.
Pfffffffttttt… another weekend of looking at Adrienne Shelly death scene photos and waiting for the next Hal Hartley picture.
Looks like I’ll be spending the weekend with those irresistible scallywags, my testicles.
Was Pete Hammond a Clinton speech writer and was he responsible for the ” I did not have sex with that woman” jewel?
Pirates 4 is far too watery to considered an actual turd.
I look forward to seeing your mom in Too Big to Rail and Pirates 4: On Stranger’s Eyes.
Why the fuck can’t I ever tell if A-Dubbs liked the movie or not. I feel like all his reviews should have a small picture of him frowning or smiling next to it, depending on what he thought of the film.
So Jack Sparrow ruins fancy dinner parties, steals food AND there’s animal reaction shots?
They’ve essentially made Paul Blart’s pirate adventure.
what’s MTSHNBN?
DERP nevermind I get it now, and I’m not gonna lie to you fellas I’m gonna watch MTSHNBN and probably enjoy it, MTSHNBN is like that sketchy chinese food place you swore you’d never go back to, but sometimes you just gotta have some shitty chinese food
In the local production of that analogy, the part of ‘sketchy chinese food place’ will be played by my mother. :(
They all have gone on to Hollywood greatness, with Adam Rifkin directing (among others) “Mousehunt”
Gore Verbinski gon’ be pissed… first the MTSNBN (what was that ‘H’ doing in there, Vincenzo?) reminds everyone what POS’s the 2nd & 3rd POTC’s were, now a fricken writer is getting the credit for his best film? Eff dat.
I guess Aaron’s no longer the hardest Sorkin man in showbiz.
Armond White is the one in the tank with that review. Jesus, why doesn’t he just toss Allen’s salad on 5th Ave*.
*Actually, I have no idea what Armond White said.
Psycho Cop 2, eh? Well, any movie that cops one of Brandon Lee’s classic one-liners from his powerhouse buddy flick Showdown in Little Tokyo with Dolph Lundgren gets
5 Beefy Aryans out of the Nuremberg Trials5 stars out of 5 from me.Naw, son, I don’t play with no Hamm. I go straight for the White meat.