You might remember the other day when I posted a quote from Albert Books telling Adam Carolla about one of his least favorite screenwriting tics — when characters constantly, unrealistically address each other by name, just so we don’t forget their names. Specifically, Brooks said:
“There are things I can’t stand in movies, that can be so easily fixed. I don’t like peoples’ names. [...] Just to say it all the time… it’s sloppy writing. I’ll tell you a fun game when you have nothing to do: watch Titanic and count how many times he says ‘Rose.’ It must be five thousand. [...] I think he even says it underwater.”
That seemed like a great idea, so right after I transcribed the quote, I opened the zippered ear hole on Oliver’s gimp suit and whispered, “Hey, you should make a mash-up of that,” and then hit him in the crotch with a wiffle bat. Being the good slave/video editor that he is, after he came, Oliver delivered a video even better than I could’ve imagined. Not only does Leo say “Rose” a ridiculous number of times, Kate Winslet says “Jack” an equally-ridiculous amount. Jack! What is it, Rose? Jack, don’t die, Jack! ROSE! Not without you, Rose! I love you, Rose! Don’t marry Billy Zane, Rose, he doesn’t know the Rose I know! Jack, I love you too, Jack! Jack, I’m married to Billy Zane but really it’s Jack that I love, Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack! …
We even made a game out of it. So which do you think they say more? Place your bets below…
As Wesley Snipes famously said, “Always bet on Jack.” …Whatever, I was already leaving.
BONUS MASHUP! Separate to Oliver’s mash up, FilmDrunkard Adam sent me a compilation of The Edge, in which Alec Baldwin says “CHARLES!” roughly eight-six trillion times.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Leonardo-dicaprio-yelling-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Kutcher-portman-carrots-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-the-wolverine-trailers-claw-sound-replaced-with-slide-whistle-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-under-siege-2-recut-as-a-silent-film-150x150.jpg)
I think the only rival to this is how many times they say ‘Michael’ in Lost Boys
I’d Jack on her Rose, gnome sayin’?
I call out Billy Zane’s name at least 10 times a night.
Christ, Oliver deserves a fifth of Jack just for editing that.
Oh, I gave him a fifth of jack alright. (*wanking motion*)
I’d rather watch the movie about Jose and his Rack
When I was a teenager, I used to have a terrifying recurring nightmare where Kathy Bates told me I was a good man to have around in a “sticky spot” . . . thanks for bringing it all rushing back, you sons-of-bitches.
Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.
Now, that’s how you do it.
That’s just lazy. Lenina Huxley calls John Spartan by his full name at least 123 time in Demolition Man. Come to think of it, so does every other character in the movie. God, I was a dumbass kid for liking that steaming pile.
This only works if you’re Tracy Jordan addressing Liz Lemon.
If Rose was 10 pounds lighter, Jack would have fit on the drift wood
Previously on Lost Season 2: WAAAALT!
The only better example of inept screenwriting is siblings addressing each other as such. Couple it with an ‘As you know + [lazy exposition]‘ for maximum effect.
Your editor wears a gimp suit, does he use vinyl clit pro?
Rose and Jack and shit and Jack and Rose and shit and shit and shit and shit and shit and fuck it this script is shit and shit.
Titanic is a prime example of teenage girls liking horrible shit.
Ain’t that just like a broad? 3 hours of talkin’ ’bout jack! Am I right? *Dodges tomato, softshoes offstage*
[Floats through the detritus and human flotsam of the Titanic sinking in an inner tube, with a smaller inner tube tied on holding an Igloo cooler full of Natural Ice]
I hate this movie because Rivers Cuomo watched it one summer with some cunt in a Slayer T-shirt and it didn’t make them cry.
As an idea for a future hack screenwriting trick mash-up, how about characters saying, “Let me get this straight” before spelling out key plot points.
Or ttyBoo, Rob Lowe on Parks and Rec. ANNE PERKINS!
Everything Rob Lowe does on P&R is great. Literally.
Every little thing he does is magic.
Like fisting Tinkerbell.
Hmm… should have gone for ‘like Polanski at Hogwarts.’
Regrets, I’ve had a few.
I know Chris is like, the.best.characterintheworld.
Haven’t heard that much jacking since I stopped visiting the public restroom at the YMCA.
My Titanic Rose, then got Jacked.
Actually, they only say ‘Charles’ once or twice. The rest is ‘Chahles’. F*cking thespians.
Forsooth, Chahles, wouldst thou spear yonder ursine brute, so that I mightst live to spear thine shrew again?
World’s Deadliest Drinking game: based on number of times they say “Harry” or “Harry Potter” in those movies.
Or: “James”/”Bond”/”James Bond” in one of those movies or [shudder] in all of them.
P.S. At least Winslet’s character, whatshername, didn’t leave her bra on when they fucked. Die, Judd Apatow.
Obviously this movie is one big advertisement for the Order of the Rose.
that was neck and neck until the very end… exciting!
Meme this…Rush Hour style:
[youtu.be]