The other day after posting my most recent rape van submission (as the internet's number one destination for vannin' and rape-van related van pictures, it happens all the time), a friend asked, "Wait, is every van a rape van?"
I believe this to be one of the most important questions we face today. Is simply being a van enough? Everyone understands vans to be the rapiest of vehicles (except for the owner of the above van, who still disputes this conclusion), like non-commercial incarnations of semi tractor trailer cabs. But are they all rapey? The easy answer is that some are more rapey than others. A Mazda MPV, for instance, is not very rapey, due in no small part to the abundance of windows. However, there exists no one perfect equation that can accurately determine the rapeyness of a particular van. Like the Supreme Court justice famously said of obscenity, "I can't tell you what it is, but I know it when I see it." The same is true of Rape Vans. So come with me, as we explore just what makes a van rapey or righteous.
We discovered this van just the other day.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT: On the righteousness scale, this van earns 15 out of 10 Eddie Van Halen solos. It's a Space Viking with a ZZ Top beard riding a rainbow-sh*tting unicorn into outerspace while firing a Kalashnikov. If it gets more righteous than that, I don't want to know about it.
HOW RAPEY IS IT: Normally a van this righteous wouldn't earn high marks for rapeyness, but there are some important considerations here. First, it does have one window, which generally factors negatively into a van's rape quotient, but given that the window in question is both blacked out AND shaped like a heart, we're going to have to award it a triple-rape score. Meanwhile, it appears to be slightly rusty, which counts in its favor, as does the fact that it's painted flat black, the official non-color of unconsensual sodomy. All things considered, I award it a 9.5 out of a possible 10 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT: That is a graphic I would be proud to have as a tattoo, guitar-case mural, or black-light poster. The only issue is that it's fairly minimalist, which is generally considered unrighteous. 9 out of 10 Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY IS IT: It's hard to tell from this angle, but we can conclude that the van is windowless, but well maintained. But I don't know, something about the "predator-torturing-its-prey" design seems a little on the nose. Eight out of 10 inappropriate touches.
This isn't very rapey or righteous, but it was still worth including. I bet old Bob Rape even has an anecdote about how "would they really call me 'Rape' if I actually raped people?" Perhaps not, but you know his ancestors raped.
Here's another one we discovered recently outside Seattle.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT: It's got a wheel well covered in duct tape and the painting looks like it was done by the lady from Catfish, but still, it is a matte van with a mural. I give it 6.5 out of 10 Eddie Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY IS IT: Now this is where the rusty roof, duct-taped wheel well, lack of windows, and location outside what appears to be an abandoned factory really become an asset. As commenter Robopanda originally pointed out, "Force" is not a Star Wars reference in this case. I award it 10 out of 10 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT: It's covered in soot and it's got a teddy bear wearing a polka dot bow tie. Not only is it not righteous, I award it eight out of 10 Tucker Carlsons on the un-righteous scale.
HOW RAPEY IS IT: It is incredibly rapey. Nearly everything that counts against it in righteousness -- the teddy bear, the soot, the ads about children's games -- earns it high marks in rapeyness. Also notice the lack of hubcaps. One would be hard pressed to find a rapier van than this. 10 out of 10 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT? No murals, but it does have a certain A-Team charm. Five Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY? Again, it's flat black, the preferred paint job of rapists everywhere, just look at Ben Roethlisberger's helmet. But other than that, all it really has going for it is the lack of hubcaps. 6.5 out of 10 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT? Not very. One out of 10 Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY IS IT? Larry the Cable Guy references, spray paint, and location outside Wal Mart all earn high rape marks. But it seems more "animal rapey" than "actual rape rapey," if you know what I mean. Seven inappropriate touches.
How Righteous Is It? Horses generally aren't very righteous if they aren't being ridden by knights, tigers, or big-titted women, but in this case, somehow the quality of the paint itself bespeaks righteousness. I liken it to the way Thomas Kinkade is known as the painter of light. I give it 8.5 out of 10 Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY IS IT? The lack of windows is intriguing, but the owner of this van seems to spend far too much time waxing his van and polishin his rims to have much time for raping. Classing case of Righteous over Rapey. Four out of 10 inappropriate touches.
You didn't think I'd leave you with just one Star Wars-related rape van, did you?
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT? This van simply isn't retro enough to earn high marks for righteousness. This is what happens when you get one of those Fast and Furious guys into vanning. I give it six Linkin Park computer sounds and a drum machine.
HOW RAPEY IS IT? It might seem too conspicuous to be of much use as an actual sodomy chariot, but also consider: what kind of sick person would spend this much time on a custom Star Wars van, and then paint it with the two worst characters in the entire franchise? This weighed heavily on our decision. 8.5 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT? Not very. Two Van Halen solos, and only because we're feeling charitable.
HOW RAPEY? The van itself isn't particularly rapey. It has too many windows. But it may be a play to attract child with brightly-colored depictions of soft-serve. This van is rapey like a fox. Nine out of 10 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT? The quality of the mural isn't necessarily so great, but we still have to take into consideration the renaissance theme, which is righteous, the tiger, which is even more righteous, and the flying dragon, the most righteous animal depicted in its most righteous state. I give it nine out of 10 Van Halen Solos.
HOW RAPEY IS IT: It's rusty with no windows and parked in a parking lot, which would make for a near-perfect rape score if there wasn't a woman standing next to it. Is she affiliated with said Rape Van? Hard to say, but a woman with intellectual bangs is going to bring down your rape score, that's just science. 8.66667 inappropriate touches.
[Thanks to reader Clint]
This is a nice combination of righteous and rapey. It seems like it would be driven by the bear man from True Grit. The woman and dog nearby would seem to detract from the rapeyness, but she also reminds me of a girl I went to junior high with who would doodle horses having sex on her notebook and eventually got expelled for biting (true story). Eights on both.
Ahh, who could forget the Never-Never Van, designed and maintained by our old friend Extremo the Clown? Now that we've interviewed the owner on a Frotcast, I may have to recuse myself from scoring it to prevent the appearance of bias. But between the ornate carvings and the fact that it's driven by a pot-bellied clown with a monkey hand puppet, you'd be hard pressed to find a rapier van than this one. As I wrote originally:
I present to you: the rapiest van in the history of rape vans. You might wonder: how does one create a rapier rape van than one with Neverending Story murals and bars on the windows? To which I’d answer, “How about ornate wood carvings? How about ornate wood carvings of weird devil-jesters with horns? How about a centerpiece that appears to be an insane vagrant, grinning maniacally as he rides the box cars of hell, shoveling children’s toes into his mouth out of an old tin of baked beans?”
HOW RIGHTEOUS? It seems more artsy than righteous, like something Banksy would drive. Five Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY? Minus points for a rear window, high marks for ski mask and standing on a manhole cover. Nine inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS: This rates a Kenny G sax solo on the righteousness scale.
HOW RAPEY: Once again, a case where what makes it so un-righteous is exactly what makes it so rapey. It may seem fun and modern, but when you break it down, it's really just a child-attracting van with not a single back window that can make a speedy getaway in the event of an amber alert. 10 out of 10.
HOW RIGHTEOUS IS IT? It doesn't get much more righteous than skulls and blood. I give six Pantera songs and a Dimebag gunshot wound. (RIP, Dimebag).
HOW RAPEY? One the one hand, it's a skulls-and-blood covered, hubcap-free, flat-black windowless van with a spray-painted bumper. On the other, it seems almost specifically designed to drive kids away. This seems more designed for finger-banging goth chicks. Nonetheless, it is possible to envision the owner as the kind of misanthrope who'd advertise his own menacing nature. 9 out of 10.
A rape-van driver being questioned by police, a common sight.
HOW RIGHTEOUS? No apparent murals. A bone-stock rape van doesn't earn you high righteousness marks, unfortunately. One Van Halen solo.
HOW RAPEY? Some rape vans are subtle. Look at that perfectly-placed dent. It's beautiful. Nine Inappropriate touches.
This van was sent to me a number of times, as you'll see on the following pages.
HOW RIGHTEOUS? Unicorns, sabre-toothed tigers, howling wolves, psychadelia -- if righteousness were a van it would be this one. I give it 10 Van Halen solos and a jam session with Jimi Hendrix's ghost.
HOW RAPEY? Too clean. Too many windows. Let's face it, you wouldn't need to rape in this van, you can't rape the willing. Half an inappropriate touch, and only because it's still a van.
This psychadelic rape van is like the rapier version of the previous rape van. Boy do I wish I got paid based on the number of times I said "rape."
HOW RIGHTEOUS? Nine Van Halen solos and a James Brown bass line.
HOW RAPEY? Is that one-way tinting I see on the back windows? Nine inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS? I don't think righteousness was the goal here.
HOW RAPEY? Like the black widow, an actual pedobear on the side is far too on the nose. And just look at that ponytail and aviator shades. You know this was some kind of ironic experiment in post-modernism. But ironic or not, they are still a ponytail, aviator shades, and a mustache. Seven out of 10 inappropriate touches.
HOW RIGHTEOUS? Even without The Terminator, the background lightning would be pretty righteous. Nine Eddie Van Halen solos.
HOW RAPEY? Hmm, tough to say. While it has a nice lack of windows, the glossy finish is problematic. Schwarzenegger certainly adds a few rape points. I'm going to say 8.5 inappropriate touches.