As you’ll see later today, I often write film reviews. But since my site isn’t all film reviews, I have the freedom not to review every film, such as the ones I can tell ahead of time aren’t my cup of tea, and will serve only throw off the curve when I’m trying to form an opinion about something I actually care about later. Have you ever read an aging critic who’s had to suffer through every Larry the Cable Guy armpit fart and Katherine Heigl queef balloon (or their earlier equivalents) for the last 30 years? Even the good ones eventually go crazy, just look at Peter Travers. Last I heard, the man was trying to hail a cab with his own feces. In any case, this idea eventually gave birth to this game we play, where we take a movie most of us will never have to see, and try to recreate the entire plot using only expository quotes from the poor-bastard critics forced by hateful editors to suffer through it. We try to use only their faux-neutral summary sections, but the beauty of it is, their utter disdain often still manages to shine through.
Today’s victim is Something Borrowed, starring Kate Hudson. If you’ve ever seen a movie before, you should know the entire plot of a movie called Something Borrowed starring Kate Hudson ahead of time, but these poors sons of bitches went anyway. Here’s a cross section of their screams as Kate Hudson spike heeled their testicles (or ovaries).
Ginnifer Goodwin stars as Rachel, a lonely, insecure flibbertigibbet with a knack for getting herself into embarrassing situations. Kate Hudson plays Darcy, her best friend since childhood, but the two have grown into very different people: Goodwin a shy, steady, humble professional and Hudson a bubbly, narcissistic party girl. -AV Club
Darcy and Rachel, both lawyers, live in New York — a place, as rendered by the director, Luke Greenfield, from which anyone seeking diversity and glamour would surely flee for Omaha. -NY Times
(At one point we do see an extra on a park bench engrossed in “Something Blue,” by Emily Giffin, who also wrote the best-selling novel on which “Something Borrowed” is based.) -NY Times
“Something Borrowed” introduces us to Rachel, on the night of her 30th birthday. She’s quietly freaking out about the passage of time because she’s still hopelessly single, the clichéd trademark of so many chick-lit heroines. Meanwhile, her closest pal is about to marry Dex (Colin Egglesfield), Rachel’s good friend from law school. -AP
…a hot rich guy as passive as he is handsome. -EntertainmentWeekly
A Tom Cruise clone without the teeth or the sparkle. -OrlandoSentinel
Rachel introduced the two of them six years ago and encouraged them to get together, even though she was secretly in love with Dex. -AP
Neither would make a romantic move, although the two simperers were obviously meant to be together. -EntertainmentWeekly
They are pleasant and nice looking and utterly without distinguishing features. -NY Times
Sweet, inoffensive, beautiful people, who let others determine key decisions in their lives. -Ebert
Rich and headstrong, Darcy always gets her way in their relationship. -Ebert
As Hudson describes her own character in the film’s production notes, “Darcy is all about Darcy.” -AP
It’s hard to figure out what she does besides drink and shop. She may not even have a job. -AP
She plays an alcoholic. This is as clear as day. […] Among the danger signals of alcoholism must certainly be playing badminton on the beach with a glass of wine in your hand, sitting down in a bar and ordering six shots of tequila, and drinking in every scene where she is not literally being fitted for a wedding dress. -Ebert
[Rachel] starts to regret not making a play for [Dex] herself and discovers he feels likewise. So over a long summer, with lots of tense group trips to [Dex’s] beachside getaway in the Hamptons. -AV Club
[Rachel] and [Dex] have an affair and fall in love, but are hesitant to hurt [Darcy] by calling off the wedding. -AV Club
And yet [Darcy] makes it so easy by being a boozing, preening, self-serving party animal with no sensitivity to the people in her immediate orbit. -AV Club
Darcy bullies Rachel and Dex, and Dex stands there holding Heineken bottles. (There’s a drinking game to be played each time the logo appears.) -EntertainmentWeekly
Dex has a mother who struggles with depression; only the marriage seems capable of cheering her up. […] The depressed mother (Jill Eikenberry) doesn’t have a single line in the movie, and is seen only looking sad sometimes and happy sometimes. I believe, but cannot be sure, that a surprise decision made late in the film is triggered by her single ambivalent expression. -Ebert
John Krasinski co-stars as Rachel and Darcy’s childhood friend, Ethan, who mainly exists for cutaway reaction shots and sarcastic remarks. -AP
…whose vocation as a writer is signaled by his taste in shirts and his habit of sarcastically pointing out what is already obvious. So when Darcy hogs the spotlight at the surprise birthday party she has organized for Rachel, Ethan astutely remarks that Darcy always has to be the center of attention. He will explain a lot more as the movie progresses. -NY Times
“I don’t get how you let her win all the time,” Ethan complains. He points to Darcy, dancing on the bar and jokes, “Whoa. Center of attention? That’s weird.” -Orlando Sentinel
He figures out the whole story and pleads with Rachel to express her own feelings for once and not always let Darcy be the winner. -Ebert
Steve Howey plays Marcus, a gleeful womanizer whom Darcy insists Rachel should hook up with, which shows how little Darcy really knows or cares about Rachel; and Ashley Williams as the clingy Claire, with whom Ethan had a one-night stand he regrets. He is so desperate to avoid her, he pretends to be gay. That’s how horrible all these people are. -AP
If Dex’s mother says nothing, his father (Geoff Pierson) has a speech that is succinct and powerful, essentially ordering his son to go ahead with the wedding. The problem with that is that few fathers order their sons to marry ditzy drunks, but then again, maybe he doesn’t know about Darcy’s style at badminton. -Ebert
If I could figure a way to end all my reviews with the word “badminton”, I would do it. Sounds like a great film though. Perhaps I should’ve seen this after all.
[Sources: AV Club, Ebert, NY Times, Orlando Sentinel, AP/MSNBC, EntertainmentWeekly]