When I started this whole “hate mail” section of Comments of the Week, I was just expecting to highlight the snooty emails, the dismissive comments people leave me on occasion — since I’m so often dismissive and snotty about other things I figure it’s only fair, and it’s a little window into my world (yes, a little self-indulgent, I suppose). What I never expected was real hate mail, from an actress in a blockbuster movie! Incredible! But we’ll get to me later, in the hate mail section on page 2. First, you guys, and your charming witticisms; your vulgar, drive-by e-gropings.
This comment, on the new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathlier Hallows, has my vote for best of the week, based on visual alone:
Stallonewolf says: Sex with Emma Watson? Why I’d be lucky if I didn’t blow my load before I got the sorting hat on.
This was the first picture that came up under “Harry Potter sorting hat.” Blowing a load is exactly what it looks like he’s doing.
COMMENTS OF THE WEEK HONORABLE MENTION:
Phone Sex Grandma wants you to “lick her dirty assh*le.” DavidNowacki here knows how to respond to that kind of dirty talk:
davidnowacki: Yeah, spit on that toilet paper b*tch, wipe that dirty assh*le.
Next up, from the trailer for Tarsem Singh’s The Immortals:
StinkyPeet say: Tarsem Singh’s films remind me of Marlee Matlin: easy on the eyes but utterly incomprehensible.
I still say The Fall is great, but that doesn’t make ridiculing deaf people less funny. Then we had a “Gary Busey Facts” post (based on him being cast in Piranha 3DD). Those are always fun.
Crapbasket: “Gary Busey thinks calling something the cat’s pajamas is the frog’s eyebrows.”
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: Gary Busey’s signature is on Obama’s birth certificate.
Jessolido says: Garey Busey chews soda can tabs like they were Chicklets
Burnsy says: Gary Busey collects retainers from the children of lawyers.
Crapbasket says: Gary Busey knocked down London Bridge for being too cockney.
Dingus says: Upon learning of the release of Obama’s birth certificate, The Donald’s followers broke out into a spontaneous chorus of “We shall overcomb”.
From RIP Alice Ward:
pants says: Looks like she’s put life in her reahview. Go sawx!
Call us disrespectful if you want, but a little death isn’t going to keep us from owah Bawston jokes.
Finally, and this is a nice segue into the Hate Mail portion of this post, from Thor looks badass/Jaimie Alexander loves Star Wars:
DEVO says: Bitch, don’t talk to me about nerds. The closest I got to getting laid in high school is when I got beat up by a girl and my hand sorta grazed her cleavage.
Indeed. Which brings us to today’s very special edition of Hate Mail.
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Girls are ewwy
I think Jaimie Alexander got so pissed because she thought you implied that she liked the prequels.
Vince, you’ve got much more “committed” (read crazy) fans, and given that lots of us are from the midwest and south, I’d wager that more than a few own swords, firearms, BTK vans, etc. Keep doing what you do. I mean all that, even the queah pahts.
[Redacted]: @JaimieAlexander don’t waste your time with those filmdrunk idiots, none of them have ever even kissed a girl anyway LOL
This reminds me of the guy in high school who shoehorns claims of his sexual prowess into unrelated topics, and in so doing, proves he is lying. “Speaking of Nickelback, I totally spermed on my lady’s back, but not to worry -I was holding a condo…”
And now you know my senior yearbook quote.
Jaimie Alexander poked me with her sword … now I got the Sif.
Sadface.
I thought Jaimie Alexander was that annoying British chef guy, not some annoying, pizza-eating professional ninja broad.
Don’t take it too hard, Lancini (seriously, swords are especially dangerous when placed up your ass).
Speaking one wop to another, I think the technical term is “guinea-fro”.
I saw Jaimie Alexander in that episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia; “Underage Drinking: A National Concern”. I had no idea she played that one so close to the chest.
So she was offended that you questioned her nerdiness, and responded by calling you a nerd? Doesn’t that just prove your point?
Haha she also told you to kiss her ass, but all of her followers took care of that for you
[Redacted]: Need any help with that? I’ve got a friend who’s got no problem with going back to prison, if you know what I mean.
Nothing like invoking Bill Engvall to prove just how cliched you’re not.
/commits seppuku for recognizing a Bill Engvall bit
And by that I mean, she seems to be
14 years olda womanchildan uppity bitch.You made me read fucking Twitter? I’m tempted to take a sword to your ass.
So this all about some forgettable bitch and her personal following of Captain Save-a-hoes calling foul on you real talking on her go at the picture shows? Fuck-k-k-k…I don’t know what’s more depressing: that this routine nerd pandering bullshit is still the SOP or that neckbeards still fall for it. The latter. Definitely the latter.
Vince, can you put up a pic of the Renaissance faire dagger guy’s page so everyone can see it?
[Redacted] sounds like an asshole.
Vince, if you do get shanked and die, can I have your collection of flannel shirts?
don’t worry vince the men that come for you will be weazing by the time they catch up. they will be fat losers you see. lol ohhhhh cliches.
Ew, Olivia Munn-abees are the least attractive of the attractive girls. I’d much rather be more of a Nigella Lawson-ite with a stack of Philip K. Dick books on my night stand next to a giant stash of berries and dipping chocolate.
And are you sure she wasn’t coming on to you?
Really, she can’t see where confessing a love of Star Wars sounds like cliche nerd pandering? That’s like trying to impress a bunch of music snobs by telling them how much you love the Beatles.
Don’t get me wrong, it sucks that SW has been turned into a cliche. I love it, too. But it’s not a great indicator for nerdiness.
I wonder how that dude’s friend feels about being volunteered to go back to prison to defend the honor of some random actress.
..and isn’t “in my Area” a euphemism for secret love triangle?
Man I wonder if anyone has said anything bad about her ever. She seems awful worked up to be called out for pandering by a guy who works on a jack off couch. Seems she just may not have the coping mechanism for negativity.
The lady Alexander doth protest too much, methinks.
I heard that Jaimie Alexander was at Bin Laden’s mansion yesterday.
Hmm seems she is gagging for your cock and has some kind of ass play fetish. Go for it Vince. Also it nearly goes without saying you can count Gun nuts among the drunkards. Even if they hold a rifle like a broom.
This is classic Tammy.
I find it funny/sexy the whole thing started because she claimed she was a big nerd. I’d throw my bolt into her whispering eye.
I have a huge problem with Vince referring to this chick who can’t even spell Jamie correctly as “famous.” I’ve never heard of her. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit I’m intrigued by the sword buttplay reference.
[Redacted]: Need any help with that? I’ve got a friend who’s got no problem with going back to prison, if you know what I mean.
Yeah. Is that because he’s looking for a new boyfriend since the old one seems to spend way too much time looking for approval from overly sensitive women?
I’m not so sure this Sif Vicious is a woman anyway. That clip clearly shows “her” sticking her spear in some dude’s throat.
Even the most self hating nerds thought the LARP jab went a bit to far.
Also, sword is a euphemism for Penis. So are we to infer that Jaimie Alexander has a Penis? Jaimie Alexander has a penis.
Yes, Jaimie’s thesis was entitled “Han Shot First.”
Jaimie Alexander AND “Star Wars” are assholes.
JWiaDH!!
She also wants to star as X-23 (an X-Man, apparently). She’s such a hardcore nerd, she’s willing to step out of her comfort zone and star as a stab happy bitch in multiple superhero movies sure to make huge profits and make her a star. She’ll even go to several Comic-Cons and not give one single fuck about being seen hanging with her fellow nerds. (*hits inhaler*) Keep it real, Jaimie!
So this comes from some barely B level actress who got lucky by booking Thor, who thinks she’s clever by describing herself as a ninja who likes pizza (oooh!!! you geek you!) Really hon, settle down. A true geek would’ve seen the error of her ways and said say well played film drunk, would it help if I said I cry when I meet people who have only seen Brazil with the TV version “happy” ending?
Instead she acted like one of those thug rappers who blow up twitter with all their silly gay little threats. Ya should’ve gone with fronting a hardcore rap angle from the jump Jamie, at least it would’ve been something kinda new!
I can’t not read “Jason Alexander” in every one of these posts
I’ve done a Gollum impression a few times, does that make me Geek squared Jamie!!!? Oh please!! I wish I was as informed into the world of sci fi and fantasy as you!
Vince, lying bloodied on the floor, looks up to see Dingus wielding the dagger. With his last breath he utters “Et tu Dingus?”
Seriously though, Mancini. How could you blacken the honor of a perfectly white woman?
I’m not like these douchebags, Jaimie! I swear! I’m TOTALLY racist… oh wait, I guess I am like these douchebags. God help me.
man you guys need to aim higher. the extremely hot chick thinks liking star wars and ninjas makes her geeky (this just in, all super hot chicks think those things are geeky) and the above internet douchery (a twitter battle? filmdrunk, i am disappoint) is depressing. you sound like a total douche, douche.
Thor: “Why dost thou sword smell of blogfag heiney?”
Sif: “Justice waseth most certainly served Thor.”
Thor: “Then signeth me up you cunt that doeseth soundeth majestic, remindeths me of when I got 3 Trojan Triphoria vibrateth drilldos on my last birthday you dumb fucking sensitive cunt Jaime and your pussylipped full of shit followers fuck you. I mean Sif sorry can we do this again, err againeth?”
I KILL YOU SCUM!
Did someone get Wide Load inadvertently tattooed on their back?
But seriously I love the guy who states he lives in your area and offers, so graciously to shank you. As if he can’t get hold of a real knife “on the outside.”
@mrwelchman: I feel like it’s tacky to nominate yourself for hatemail of the week in the last hatemail of the week thread. Why not let the previous winners enjoy their moment in the sun?
To add to mrwelchman’s statement, A HURRR DURRRR.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
So many. Morton Salt says:
Don’t ask Vin for help moving next Saturday; you know damn well he spends the first Saturday in May making his world-famous kettle corn.
His grandma thinks he was the best part of both Pulp Fiction and Mission:Impossible and still insists he deserved an Oscar for The Green Mile.
He stayed in character during the whole Saving Private Ryan shoot, including after filming his death scene 94 days into the 135-day shooting schedule.
Diesel is the site administrator for the #1 internet destination for Airwolf fan-fic.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Morton Salt says:
His grandma thinks he was the best part of both Pulp Fiction and Mission:Impossible and still insists he deserved an Oscar for The Green Mile.
Shop 101 says:
He does not keep baby wipes beside the toilet. He does however keep a stack of 8 by 10 glossies of Will.I.Am.
RoboPanda says:
Vin Diesel sucks cock.
I think I misunderstood how this game works.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Morton Salt says:
[Redacted]: @JaimieAlexander don’t waste your time with those filmdrunk idiots, none of them have ever even kissed a girl anyway LOL
This reminds me of the guy in high school who shoehorns claims of his sexual prowess into unrelated topics, and in so doing, proves he is lying. “Speaking of Nickelback, I totally spermed on my lady’s back, but not to worry -I was holding a condo…”
And now you know my senior yearbook quote.
oh no! hurrr durrrr’d! better write a piece about you using hurrr durrrr (that of course implies i’m really writing about how cliche it is) then you can respond to it, then people can rally behind you so i can start a blog and write about how you didn’t get my intentions in the first place and we can all sit back and share a smoke after the circle jerk it’ll become.
[Runs up with biscuit in hand]
DID SOMEBODY SAY CIRCLE JERK?!?!
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Patty Boots says:
Oh my god, why are y’all such haters? Why do you doubt their nerd cred? This is like that part in The Fourth Element where Leela has to prove to Bruce Wayne that she’s legit the planet’s savior!
Now watch me wear a slave Leia bikini and deepthroat a Wiimote!
Nowhere else to post this, but I am amused that one of my twitter followers is @movieboozer. Really? Really. Really?!? Really.
Deux Duex Duex, I also got him as a follower. Who is that?
WE’VE GOT HATE MAIL WE’VE GOT HATE MAIL!
And it’s hardly more than a couple of years out of date.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
mercymee says:
Followed, five minutes later, by
mercymee says:
Because clearly a guy with a nom de plume like ‘spazmodic’ is someone who is deeply sensitive to the plight of the differently able.
Jesus, what part of my posts was she/he “with me” on? Bizarre.
At least I got a good laugh from Shop 101 with:
Well, this post certainly has legs.
this reminds me of that LOUIE episode with the heckler, and at the end the other comedian tells him he almost could have had sex with her. send her a fd tshirt with a picture of your penis and see if you can do her.
I made out with the other Drunkettes, so some of us have kissed girls!
Listing a L and XL Filmdrunk shirt on ebay, buy them now for $100 per shirt
Wait, wait, back the f*ck up,
Ew, 01ivia Munn-abees are the least attractive of the attractive girls.
Impossibly, Michelle googlewhacks it right on the nose.
hey dude, regardless of what anyone says, you guys make me laugh, so you wear all the scarves you want as long as you keep that shit up.
Invoking the mother’s basement argument? Talk about the pot calling the spade to a gun fight.
Courtesy of Moose in [filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Ratner: It’s “chocolate” meets “marshmallow” and then sandwiched between two “graham crackers.” It’s called a “S’more,” now bring me 30.
vince says: OOH WHA-AH AH-AMEN!
not a comment but made me laugh
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
High 5: If being geeky is the new punk, what’s next? *crosses fingers for premature ejaculating*
The Hammer: Saying you’re a geek because you like Star Wars is like saying you are a mechanic because you saw Fast 5
Melvin_udall says It appears that femibroads and other female idiots are angry based on an interpretation that requires the assumption that geeky guys actually don’t want hot girls to be geeks.
Which is quite probably the most idiotic conclusion in the history of feminism, an Everest high hurdle to jump.
+20 for succinctness.
catpuncher says: I didn’t think a misunderstanding based on a girl’s poor reading comprehension would get to such an experienced sexist.
Hee hee hee. This is so much better than serious arguments about gender roles and pandering.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Danger Guerrero says:
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Ace Rimmer says: It’s like Braveheart meets Robin Hood by way of Sideways and Troy in the style of Jesus Didn’t Tap.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Brilliant:
Juan Carlo says: I think (once again) you’ve missed the greater underlying subtext of the film. Had you been paying attention you would have realized that the Vin Diesel character actually DID go to prison and the rest of the film was just an elaborate fantasy projection he concocted for himself to escape his harsh reality–i.e. the near constant and brutal anal rape that accompanies prison life. So while Diesel might appear to exist in a larger than life, WWF, style version of reality, the astute viewer would realize that every time another absurd action set piece begins, this is really just a fantastical cue to the audience that Diesel is, once again, being anally violated–and the more outlandish the set piece, the worse the violation. Personally, I think “Fast Five” is possibly the best filmic representation of the psyche of the abuse victim since “Transformers.” And (dare I say?) I think it might even belong in the same echelon with what I consider to be the single best treatment of the topic, 1991’s visceral and fearless “Mannequin 2: On the Move.”
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Donkey Hodey says:
My favorite thing about fighting with feminists on twitter is that you don’t have to see their mustaches.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
theend81 says:
The only knowledge of Sci-Fi a woman should have is the shapes of the Star Wars cookie cutters I force her to use on my pot brownies.
Who the f*ck is Juan Carlo and how does he not get me Hustla’d with this gem from the 5a5t 5iVe Review?
I think (once again) you’ve missed the greater underlying subtext of the film. Had you been paying attention you would have realized that the Vin Diesel character actually DID go to prison and the rest of the film was just an elaborate fantasy projection he concocted for himself to escape his harsh reality–i.e. the near constant and brutal anal rape that accompanies prison life. So while Diesel might appear to exist in a larger than life, WWF, style version of reality, the astute viewer would realize that every time another absurd action set piece begins, this is really just a fantastical cue to the audience that Diesel is, once again, being anally violated–and the more outlandish the set piece, the worse the violation. Personally, I think “Fast Five” is possibly the best filmic representation of the psyche of the abuse victim since “Transformers.” And (dare I say?) I think it might even belong in the same echelon with what I consider to be the single best treatment of the topic, 1991’s visceral and fearless “Mannequin 2: On the Move.”
I swear to JHC it was the Mannequin 2 ref that did it for me.
Thirding Juan.
Ya, I gotta give props to Juan. What the hell is a prop anyways? Should I put “No homo” after that? I think I should; No homo. Just to be safe.
On pandering, I did like this exchange in,
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Is anyone going to ask Ryan Reynolds if he likes Star Wars?
Fuck that noise. Does he like movies about gladiators?
Stallone Wolf and Ace Rimmer
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Chino (who else) says:
I like to get oral until I’m Finnish.
2nd chino – The undisputed boss of wordplay.