Did you know that a Google image search for “Madea gif” returns a picture of a man sticking his penis in a cow’s nostril?

Did you know that a Google image search for “Madea gif” returns a picture of a man sticking his penis in a cow’s nostril?

Well, everybody, it’s Friday, which means it’s time to discuss what’s debuting this Easter Weekend. Surely the studios will take advantage of everyone being stuck at home with their families, desperate for any excuse to escape for a few measly hours, right? After all, there’s only so much one can stand of Grandmother’s hateful glaring at your Puerto Rican girlfriend. I HAPPEN TO LIKE HER TEARDROP TATTOO, YOU HAUGHTY OLD WENCH. HOW ARE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE?

In Wide Release: Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family, Water For Elephants, African Cats

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family: Just as the family is coming apart at the seams, Madea slaps fools upside their heads and then screeches somethin’ ’bout family.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33% (based on 6 reviews)

Armchair Analysis: As with many Tyler Perry movies, this one didn’t screen for critics because it’s terrible and deep down he knows it forget them h8terz, so it’s hard to grasp what this movie is even about until more reviews trickle in. Judging from the trailer, I assume it will involve a family dinner gone awry when the successful young adults at the table literally but heads with a lumbering, nightmarish drag queen. Look, say what you will about Perry’s films being nothing more than lazy, offensive slapstick shoe-horned into an overwrought dramatic narrative, but you gotta admit that they suck.

water-for-elephants-movie-poster

Water For Elephants: When a mysterious stranger shows up to a traveling circus and delivers hollow, affectless dialog, a sabre-chinned trapeze artist falls forehead over heels for him. Also, there’s thirsty elephants.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 48%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Like ‘The Notebook,’ but with an elephant, the unexpectedly good film version of “Water for Elephants” elevates pure corn to a completely satisfying realm of romantic melodrama.” – Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

“Will please fans of Sara Gruen’s best seller, but it lacks the vital spark that would have made the drama truly compelling on the screen.” – Todd McCarthy, Hollywood Reporter

“Durrr.” – Vince Mancini, Filmdrunk

Add romantic chemistry to the list of things that fall flat in the film, alongside dialogue and acting. – Bill Goodykoontz, Arizona Republic

Armchair Anaylsis: YOU’VE BEEN GOODYKOONTZ’D! I haven’t really heard much about this film, and the reviews are middling, but Vince loved it. Plus, it has Christoph Waltz, who’s a total baller, along with a veritable menagerie of elephants and carnies. So how bad could it be?

AFRICAN CATS

African Cats: A documentary about lions and cheetahs locked in an adorable struggle to survive the brutal African savanna, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 71%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“If it maintains a superficially manipulative façade, the film remains committed to addressing the harsh realities of existence on the plains.” – Nick Schager, The Village Voice

“Astounding wildlife footage is given a kid-friendly narrative hook, but never overly cuddlified, in Keith Scholey’s African Cats.” – Andrew Barker, Variety

It’s a solid hour and a half of intense stuff you don’t see every day. – Glenn Kenny, MSN Movies (Ed. – Woah, easy there, Hemingway)

Armchair Analysis: Oh hell yes. The only thing better than jungles cats romping around a panoramic African landscape is having Sam Jackson narrate the goings-on. TUFTED EARS, MOTHERF*CKER, DO THEY HAVE THEM?

In Limited Release: POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold

morgan spurlock greatest move ever sold

POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold: Morgan Spurlock sets out to prove, once and for all, that corporations sponsor things. Even self-indulgent documentaries.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 73%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“I can’t exactly recommend the film, but I do recommend drinking POM Wonderful.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times (Ed. – Think of all the shirtfronts he’s ruined.)

“It’s surprising that The Greatest Movie Ever Sold plays so entertainingly, given that Spurlock’s quest is essentially beside the point.” – David Edelstein, New York Magazine

“Spurlock’s film is mainly out to entertain, and it does. But leaving “The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” I wasn’t sure what Spurlock really thought about any of this beyond: Get this. Isn’t this wild?” – Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Armchair Analysis: Conventional wisdom seems to be that this film is well-made, fun, and ultimately pointless. But I won’t be seeing it for one reason and one reason only: LOOK at his face. No way am I indulging that little weirdo.  Gingers are to be shunned, people! Not foisted upon us by f*cking pomegranate juice.