Over the weekend, Hop, the Russell Brand-voiced CGI extravaganza from the director of Alvin and the Chipmunks, grossed an estimated $38.1 million, just beating out Rango for the highest-grossing opening weekend of 2011 so far. You see? THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, AMERICA.
It just goes to show that kids’ movies are like country music: there is no such thing as too much pandering. But even Hop‘s big win still lagged behind both Alvin and the Chipmunks AND Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, and even inflated 3D and IMAX ticket prices couldn’t keep overall business from falling 28% below the same weekend last year (which opened Clash of the Titans, Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too, and The Last Song). I’d like to say it’s because Hollywood has released virtually nothing but terrible movies this year, but that seems like a preposterous statement on a weekend when a CGI-bunny that sh-ts jelly beans earned forty million dollars, doesn’t it.
Oh, and Sucker Punch? Thanks for asking. It fell almost 70% from last weekend’s already-disappointing opening, earning $6 million for the weekend for $29.9 million total. The movie cost $82 million to make, so if my math serves, the financiers are going to lose “an assload.” Sources say Zack Snyder is so depressed that he’s been angrily chugging vodka straight from the bottle in slow motion while backlit by the moonlight (don’t worry, the four people who saw Sucker Punch will totally get that). Your movie can be really weird or really sh-tty, but not both. …Unless it stars a CGI bunny that sh-ts jelly beans, I guess. Look, we just don’t know anymore, okay?
| Film | Weekend | Per | Total | |
| 1 | Hop | $38,118,000 | $10,650 | $38,118,000 |
| 2 | Source Code | $15,053,000 | $5,084 | $15,053,000 |
| 3 | Insidious | $13,496,000 | $5,605 | $13,496,000 |
| 4 | Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules | $10,200,000 (-57.1%) | $3,219 | $38,355,000 |
| 5 | Limitless | $9,402,000 (-37.6%) | $3,313 | $55,604,000 |
| 6 | The Lincoln Lawyer | $7,050,000 (-34.4%) | $2,604 | $39,637,000 |
| 7 | Sucker Punch | $6,085,000 (-68.1%) | $2,006 | $29,876,000 |
| 8 | Rango | $4,560,000 (-53.3%) | $1,455 | $113,783,000 |
| 9 | Paul | $4,300,000 (-45.3%) | $1,686 | $31,899,000 |
| 10 | Battle: Los Angeles | $3,500,000 (-53.8%) | $1,547 | $78,466,000 |
[via CHUD, BoxOfficeMojo]


Ugh, now we’re stuck with Russell Brand, aren’t we?
Oh, and Source Code was actually really, really good. I had my doubts going in, but I loved it.
Duncan Jones is 2 for 2 now.
I’d pay for a rabbit that poops KY jelly beans.
Yeah, I know where the corner is…
You know I shouldn’t be surprised by a shit movie making huge money anymore…. but you know what? Fuck You America.
(*writes “Monkey pees Mountain Dew” on Post-It note, goes back to school work*)
(*immediately hears helicopter overhead*)
(*Hollywood producer appears outside window dangling from the helicopter*)
Producer: [yelling over sound of propellers] I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD! I’VE GOT TO HAVE THIS MONKEY PEEING MOUNTAIN DEW MOVIE!
Is Jim Varney legit dead? I feel like another Ernest movie would crush these box office numbers right about now…
Danger Guerrero: THROW ME DOWN THE BRIEFCASE FULL OF MONEY AND COKE!
Producer: YOU THROW ME THE MONKEY PEEING MOUNTAIN DEW POST-IT NOTE!
DG: F*CK YOU GUY, I’M NOT FALLING FOR THAT ONE! AGAIN!
I guess the plus-side to these CGI kid movies with shit-eating jokes is that the next generation of kids will have super immune systems. Well, the ones that survive the shigella anyway.
Your movie can be really weird or really sh-tty, but not both.
M. Night sees your assessment and raises you just “fucking stupid.”
I can’t wait for the second installment next Easter, with Corky from “Life Goes On” as Brand’s lovable special needs kid brother.
Coming April 2012 . . .
Hop II: Watership Down’s Syndrome
@Chino: what’s so special about jelly beans from Kentucky?
So there was a group outraged over the fact that animals smoke in Rango, but no one is even remotely concerned about children trying to eat their pet rabbits poop after watching Hop?
Hey now. Hop only $36.9 million more than Jane Eyre. Who says Literature is dead?
Verb: It’s what you do.
This is fucking killing Him! He had a HOT fucking dead rabbit joke to put with this baktag movie and He CAN’T REMEMBER IT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THE FUCKING ZOMBIE POSSUMS GOT HIS BRAAAAAINS!!!