Transformers: Dark of the Moon (bigger version here). Man, remember when the coolest thing about Transformers was the way that they could conceivably transform from trucks to robots? Yeah, that sucked. Even as a child I longed for a random assortment of shiny metal and flames.
I like to think this one went down something like this:
MICHAEL BAY: Wait, is there a building there behind Optimus’ shoulder that isn’t on fire?
POSTER DESIGNER: …I’m fired, aren’t I.
Arbor. A documentary “portrayal of the late Bradford playwright Andrea Dunbar.” Hmm, sounds good, but instead of me watching the whole thing, could you boil down the entire plot down to a single word?
Cars 2 (Bigger version here). I get it, it’s like a map of Disneyland. Neat. I’m still not forgetting that Larry the Cable Guy voices a buck-toothed tow truck. Or that they characters are all basically doing the Dreamworks face. Oh, Cars. You’re like Pixar’s Sandinista. And I mean that as a reference to The Clash, not Nicaragua.
The Hangover 2.
Me and my broheims Dozer and Jersey Phil already covered the Hangover character posters last week in between convincing this Tri-Delt skank to let Chad shave her box, but here’s an equally-fratty poster with all the monkey/wolfpack action. Much as I like to make fun of The Hangover for being, you know… loud, I can’t honestly argue with a drunk monkey wearing pants.
Persian poster for The Green Lantern.
Yup, still looks boring.
Remember the big deal about this getting pulled from theaters last year? Yeah, me neither. Well, I remember people mostly having good things to say about it. Probably a lot less generic good things than “twice the gore, twice the intensity!”, but there you go. More proof that the best movie quotes are pointless soundbites you could offer without seeing the movie.
If Valentino: The Last Emperor and Coco Avant Chanel didn’t sate your appetite for films about fashion designers, here comes one about Yves Saint Lauraaaaaaaahnt. Man, not even Popes and Civil Rights Leaders get the kind of posthumous ass kissing reserved for fashion designers. They still make clothes right? Ooh, let’s burn his name onto the surface of the moon.
“Life happens when you least expect it.” Ooh, good tagline. At least I know it’s not a generic indie movie or anything.
Love Wedding Marriage.
Mandy Moore was so good in Saved, how’d she get stuck doing a rom-com Kate Hudson turned down opposite the douche from Twilight who not even the AP can correctly identify? Also note the Rom-Com Poster Lean, one of the most instantly-recognizable poster clichés. Though “here comes the ride” does make it sound sexy.
Mr. Popper’s Penguins.
Ah yes, the one where Jim Carrey prays for God to stop global warming while keeping his apartment cold enough for a family of penguins, probably using electricity derived from coal. How American. Anyway, I have nothing to say about this poster. The penguin on the left looks like he’s about to puke food into Jim Carrey’s mouth, which could be cool.
Ooh, Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway? If those two lookers had a baby, I think it goes without saying that I would F the hell out of it. Also, what’s up rom-coms having the most generic titles imaginable these days?
The Perfect Host.
Holy sh*t, is that the dude from Frasier about to stab a dude in the ear with a meat fork? Now THAT’S how you poster.
The Pirates of the Caribbean IMAX poster, via Fandango. Glad to see they took the minimalist approach to costume design here.
You wonder why this made $40 million this weekend. This poster makes me want to buy ten lollipops and lick them all at the same time.
Something Borrowed, Thai poster.
Hey, weren’t we just talking about awful Kate Hudson rom-coms? This looks sh*tty in any language.
That’s all for this week, folks. Join me again next Monday for more floating heads, rom-com leans, Dreamworks faces, and generic tagline fun.
I want more like this!
Follow Film Drunk on Facebook and get the latest movie news and humor before everyone else.