Transformers: Dark of the Moon (bigger version here). Man, remember when the coolest thing about Transformers was the way that they could conceivably transform from trucks to robots? Yeah, that sucked. Even as a child I longed for a random assortment of shiny metal and flames.
I like to think this one went down something like this:
MICHAEL BAY: Wait, is there a building there behind Optimus' shoulder that isn't on fire?
POSTER DESIGNER: ...I'm fired, aren't I.
[via ComingSoon]
Arbor. A documentary "portrayal of the late Bradford playwright Andrea Dunbar." Hmm, sounds good, but instead of me watching the whole thing, could you boil down the entire plot down to a single word?
[via Apple]
Cars 2 (Bigger version here). I get it, it's like a map of Disneyland. Neat. I'm still not forgetting that Larry the Cable Guy voices a buck-toothed tow truck. Or that they characters are all basically doing the Dreamworks face. Oh, Cars. You're like Pixar's Sandinista. And I mean that as a reference to The Clash, not Nicaragua.
[via IMPA]
The Hangover 2.
Me and my broheims Dozer and Jersey Phil already covered the Hangover character posters last week in between convincing this Tri-Delt skank to let Chad shave her box, but here's an equally-fratty poster with all the monkey/wolfpack action. Much as I like to make fun of The Hangover for being, you know... loud, I can't honestly argue with a drunk monkey wearing pants.
[via Movieplayer.it]
Hatchet 2.
Remember the big deal about this getting pulled from theaters last year? Yeah, me neither. Well, I remember people mostly having good things to say about it. Probably a lot less generic good things than "twice the gore, twice the intensity!", but there you go. More proof that the best movie quotes are pointless soundbites you could offer without seeing the movie.
[via IMPA]
The Silent House.
The big gimmick of this one is that it's 79 minutes, supposedly all filmed in one, continuous take. Sounds like a neat trick. Not necessarily one I want to watch, but...
[IMPA]
L'Amour Fou
If Valentino: The Last Emperor and Coco Avant Chanel didn't sate your appetite for films about fashion designers, here comes one about Yves Saint Lauraaaaaaaahnt. Man, not even Popes and Civil Rights Leaders get the kind of posthumous ass kissing reserved for fashion designers. They still make clothes right? Ooh, let's burn his name onto the surface of the moon.
[IMPA]
Lebanon, PA.
"Life happens when you least expect it." Ooh, good tagline. At least I know it's not a generic indie movie or anything.
[IMPA]
Love Wedding Marriage.
Mandy Moore was so good in Saved, how'd she get stuck doing a rom-com Kate Hudson turned down opposite the douche from Twilight who not even the AP can correctly identify? Also note the Rom-Com Poster Lean, one of the most instantly-recognizable poster clichés. Though "here comes the ride" does make it sound sexy.
Mr. Popper's Penguins.
Ah yes, the one where Jim Carrey prays for God to stop global warming while keeping his apartment cold enough for a family of penguins, probably using electricity derived from coal. How American. Anyway, I have nothing to say about this poster. The penguin on the left looks like he's about to puke food into Jim Carrey's mouth, which could be cool.
One Day.
Ooh, Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway? If those two lookers had a baby, I think it goes without saying that I would F the hell out of it. Also, what's up rom-coms having the most generic titles imaginable these days?
[via Empire]
Holy sh*t, is that the dude from Frasier about to stab a dude in the ear with a meat fork? Now THAT'S how you poster.
[IMPA]
The Pirates of the Caribbean IMAX poster, via Fandango. Glad to see they took the minimalist approach to costume design here.
Rio.
You wonder why this made $40 million this weekend. This poster makes me want to buy ten lollipops and lick them all at the same time.
Something Borrowed, Thai poster.
Hey, weren't we just talking about awful Kate Hudson rom-coms? This looks sh*tty in any language.
That's all for this week, folks. Join me again next Monday for more floating heads, rom-com leans, Dreamworks faces, and generic tagline fun.
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Michael Bay doesn’t just fire people, he straps them to a missile and fires them out of a cannon. But he’s not completely without mercy, they are given enough time in the air to let out an angry scream.
Kellen Lutz is the Cam Gigandet of Danny Mastersons.
I’m using “rom-com leans” as my new euphemism for having a case of the ass.
Hatchet 2 looks a lot more violent than I remember. Of course, that was fourth grade when I read it, so maybe things have changed.
I look at that post for The Perfect Host and all I hear is “He tried to kill me with a forklift.”
Not that I’m complaining.
Oh, Cars. You’re like Pixar’s Sandinista. And I mean that as a reference to The Clash, not Nicaragua.
The cast and crew cared so much about the project, they waived their royalties to keep down the price? I did not see that coming.
. . . it’s 79 minutes, supposedly all filmed in one, continuous take. . .
Why the f*ck do I want to go to the movies to watch a play?
Persian Green Lantern hides on Earth in a used car dealership that also sells rugs in the back. Ryan Reynolds always was a rug merchant though. *puts on Blade sunglasses*
Can we combine Hatchet 2 with One Day so we can see Hathaway’s hatchet wound?
When asked why he directed Love, Wedding, Marriage, Durmot Mulroney said “I did what now? Last thing I remember was this crazy mescalin trip where I tried shooting a monster chicken with a double-barrel shotgun. Seriously…did you guys see the size of that chicken?”
That self-shot teaser of James wearing a graphic T of himself satisfied both the Francophile and the fashionista in me just fine, thanks.
I thought the sequel to Hatchet would be either The River or Brian’s Winter, your choice.
Love (roadhead) Wedding (white bustier) Marriage (jerking off in shower)
Also, what’s up rom-coms having the most generic titles imaginable these days?
Hey, at least Love Wedding Marriage cut out all the unnecessary bullshit, like “making any sense”…
‘Love Wedding Marriage’? They’re just chumming the waters with chick friendly soundbites now. I can’t wait for Pink Babies Shoes and Vajazzle Mascara Sparkles.
Holly-weird, where they stand in line to fawn over Roman Polanski (convicted Child Rapist), but tried to excommunicate Mel Gibson because he said mean things.
Case in point: Hangover II. Yeah we’ll work with a-NOTHER convicted Rapist (Mike Tyson), but to Hell with that Gibson fellow!