Taylor Lautner is a terrible actor with a vulgar nose and a mouth-breathing problem, but where else would Hollywood find an athletic-looking 19-year-old? Of course they had to put him in a thousand movies. You act as if they had a choice. As a studio exec, it’s not about what you like, it’s about what the kids like that you pretend to like to seem relevant. Anyway, today brings us the trailer for Lautner’s first headlining role, in Abduction, for Boyz in the Hood director John Singleton. MORE LIKE ABZ-DUCTION, AMIRITE?? Side note: Boyz in the Hood was 20 years ago. Can we start calling him 2 Fast 2 Furious director John Singleton now?
The plot: Taylor Lautner is Nathan, just your average, rippling-abbed high school kid with mirrored shades and a super-cool motorcycle. His life was one endless high-five pool party, until one day (*RECORD SCRATCH*), his best do-able-but-platonic female friend calls up and says, “Nathan. You’ve gotta see this. I found this site showing what missing kids might look like today.” Because clearly, every high school girl stays up all night perusing photos on missing children’s websites. Nathan pulls it up on his new Macbook, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a kid on the site who looks EXACTLY LIKE NATHAN. And instead of just being like, “Haha, isn’t that funny, I look just like a computer-generated image on a missing person’s site,” he’s all like, “OMG, DROP EVERYTHING, CLEARLY I’VE BEEN ABSDUCTED!”
And that’s when Stanley Tucci* kicks down the door and shoots his mom.
I know what you’re thinking: But, Vince, will there be parkour? And to that I say peep the 2:08 mark, homey. BOOM, PARKOUR LLAMA! Though my favorite part is watching Lautner try to act. He has two emotions, Determined and Confused. They both look pretty much the same.
*A guy who looks like Stanley Tucci, probably.
"I'M ALREADY ACTING AS HARD AS I CAN!"
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And that’s when Stanley Tucci* kicks down the door and shoots his mom.
Are you trying to get a script picked up by Stoney’s new company already?
Who decided that this kid was attractive, and why do people keep buying into it? I know that teen girl hive mind is a powerful thing, but they still have eyes.
The Washboard Identity
Yeah, you’ll really blend in wearing a Pirates jersey. Those fans are everywhere!
Awwwww, sick Sleigh Bells track in the background, yo. I totes herd that dopeness when I was shoppin for kicks @ Urban O’s.
But 4 reel, I need to c this flick. I totally thought of a simLear idea while I was lifting weights @ my H.S. gym. I was like “what if my parents got killed but then I could be like a hero with like action and stuff.” It’ll be cool to c my vision brought 2 life.
Higher Learning was the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in my lief.
Jumping from an explosion at the end? Movies still do that?
i hope there’s plenty of talk of dolphin rape on the upcoming frotcast aside from the usual ear rape
on a side note is ear rape two words or hyphenated?
“Vulgar nose?”
*James Franco frantically looks up, his impromptu make-out session with his tshirt interrupted*
“Vulgar nose, you say?”
About time we got back to a point where it’s ok for grown mean to admire young shirtless boys. Bring back the Colosseum!
Taylor Lautner’s Abs-ductor is my favorite infomercial! It’s from the makers of the Gaggercycle; I love the part where Lindsay demonstrates uvula pushups. “Swallow it and… Forget it!”
Between King Kong and Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I guess WETA proved they can create photo-realistic primates. The logical next step would be the llama/teen idol hybrid. Although they’re still a few years away from incorporating more than two emotions.
Kyle’s avatar only facepalmed after he pressed “Submit Comment”.
@bane How dare you, sir! It gave us a drawn-out death scene of Tyra Banks. It’s a heartwarming Christmas classic in our house.
I could not watch more than like ten seconds.
Vince, I bet if you had a Filmdrunkard hang around opening day of this at a theatre in Colorado Springs you would for sure get a picture of Ted Haggard.
Taylor Lautner always makes the same faces that unseasoned whores make while waiting for their facial in porn movies. I bet if you zoomed in one of those pictures you’d see the reflection of a boner ghost.
After all the explosions and parent death shootings, Taylor is going to grab his great platonic galpal and give her the best promise ring a part time assassin can lease.
Patty Boots has it right but I don’t understand this even from a money-hungry-studio brainstorm point of view.
You’ve convinced some dumbass 12 year old girls that the wanna get rammed in the shaft by a kid with learning difficulties, they’ll buy a ticket for any piece of shit he makes and then you decide to cast him in an action movie?
@Burnsy Roberto Clemente jerseys are the hipster Che Guevara shirts.
Weaver- Think of the last place anyone would go looking.
Lautner- … Ugh, a Pirates game?
Weaver- Exactly!
Patty Boots,
Bryan Singer made that decision and his penis shoots million dollar movie contracts to shitty actors that will suck it off.