A pair of high-school baseball players were caught MURDERING poor DEFENSELESS BABY CHICKENS in a cruel attempt to improve their batting averages this week, according to reports. Movies may be to blame, as chicken-sacrifice was of course a feature of multiple baseball films, including Bull Durham and Major League, which starred Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano. Well. It seems as if Mr. AllState’s “good hands” are suddenly COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF CHICKENS!
Benbrook Police Sgt. John Van Ness confirmed Thursday that authorities have charged the two players with cruelty to livestock animals. He said the case has been turned over to the Tarrant County Juvenile Court where a decision will be made on whether to prosecute the two players, ages 15 and 16.
Van Ness said a baby chick was decapitated March 17 behind the school’s baseball fields and then another one killed the same way March 18. The two players were kicked off the team for the rest of the year and disciplined by the district, school officials said.
Which still leaves the big question: did it work?
The Cougars have gone 2-1 since the incident, including Wednesday night’s 11-1 victory over Southwest High School. Fort Worth Dunbar plays at Western Hills.
Two and one, hmm… Sounds like a moderate success. I guess this means JOBU DEMANDS MORE HEADLESS CHICKENS!
Meanwhile, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals reached out to Western Hills, offering and encouraging administrators to help with animal education issues. It also encouraged the school to form an animal rights club on campus.
Ugh, of course they did.
Principal James Wellman is reviewing PETA’s material as he explores ways to address the incident, which could also include working with a local group or student leaders, district spokesman Clint Bond said.
“As a district, we don’t condone this kind of behavior,” Bond said. “That’s why these students have been disciplined, severely disciplined in the Western Hills case. Our school district is not rampant with animal abuse.”
Bond said the two cases are examples of how some youths may not fully understand what the consequences of their actions are. “We all wish it would have been a bucket of fried chicken like it was in the movie Major League,” Bonds said. [Fort-Worth Star Telegram]
Oh right, it’s the youths that don’t understand the consequences of their actions. Hey stupid, you realize that fried chicken didn’t come out of the egg like that, right? I have a lot of respect for the non-preachy vegetarians among us, because if I didn’t love the taste of animal flesh so much, I wouldn’t eat fuzzy cute things either. But since I do eat meat, I have to recognize that that involves CUTTING OFF AN ANIMAL’S HEAD AND REMOVING ITS MEAT and not be such a pussy about it. I guess what I’m saying is, if you’re going to severely discipline kids for killing fuzzy cute things, you probably shouldn’t point out that you eat those same things every day in your speech like a goddamned moron. Man up. “Decapitating” an animal tends to be the most humane way to kill it. It’s not like they f-cked it first.
-Thanks to Unsilent for the tip
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J! J! It’s fucking Jobu! Dor sho gha!
You can also win a basketball game by shooting a fowl.
PETA is like the Katherine Heigl of nonprofits. They’re just so bitchy and intolerable that, even if they have a point, they ruin it.
*looks once…looks again to be sure…*
gaH so’Qbe! No “Jobu” tag???
*storms to aft cargo bay, opens door to cargo bay 101, torches and pitchforks issue forth like a flood*
This isn’t the first time the star of a basketball team got head from multiple chicks.
“Decapitating” an animal tends to be the most humane way to kill it. It’s not like they f-cked it first.
Good point. There’s a good chance these kids’ll learn their lesson, whereas bird rapists tend to be repeat offenders. They just keep fucking that chicken.
@Patty, Exactly. Cruelty? Decapitation seems like the MOST humane way to kill them.
Here, watch big jowled Renee Zellweger do it in a major motion picture (@ 2:10ish):
[www.youtube.com];
Beating Southwest High was a real feather in their cap.
Chicks always lose their heads over athletes.
Sacrificing live chickens improves your batting average.
Sacrificing fried chickens improves your battering average.
Now that’s just sad.
but I gotta admit, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one with a criminal record for mishandling a cock at a high school stadium.
I have been waiting so fucking long for this:
FRIED CHICKEN!
Yeah, I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. Inappropriately preying on the very young is fairly normal behaviour for a couple of cougars.
I hope PETA doesn’t hear about them playing horse!
“We all wish it would have been a bucket of fried chicken like it was in the movie Major League,” Bonds said.
That’s his response to pretty much everything, though.
They should have fucked the chicken so we’d have an answer to the age-old question: Which came first? The chicken or the teenage boy?
Are you trying to tell me Teenagers can’t hit a curveball?
Eees bery bad to steal Jobu’s
rumBoone’s FarmChocolate Milk. Eees bery bad.Qaplah! Jobu’s rum has awoken the terran saviour!
The really sad thing is that PETA would be just as upset if they had decapitated Peeps instead.
Marshmallows are made from BONES, people!
funny, when kids cut off chicken heads to win games we have to destroy them, but when farmers do it we pay them to grow corn.
What ever happened to having to fuck a fat chick to break out of a slump?
Kids these days. Always taking the easy route. I’m almost surprised they put forth this much effort instead of just making a “Save my batting average” thingy on Facebook and asking their friends to like it.
I heard you beckoning, Fek. I’m like the Candyman up in this bitch!
Did these little baktags even TRY putting snot on the ball first?
What ever happened to having to fuck a fat chick to break out of a slump?
Lord knows I break out of MY slump every time I do!
*clears throat*
Are we sure they weren’t just choking the chickens?
*bowtie spins, squirts jiz from flower*
It’s a good thing they were only killing chickens. If they went after roosters, they could be sued for inflammation of carrots, sir.
Things I hate:
-Cruelty to animals.
-People who don’t use their turn signals.
-People who use “low blood sugar” as an excuse to be lazy at work.
-People who use “low blood sugar” as an excuse to eat junk food well past any reasonable medical expectaion.
-Car Horns used for anything other than to avoid collisions.
-Coconut.
-Most abbreviations.
-Phone calls.
-People expecting their pet cause to be your pet cause.
-People who don’t find retard jokes offensive because they don’t know any retards, but do find deaf jokes offensive because their sister is deaf (substitute mad-lib style as needed).
-The phrase, “Don’t like the weather? Wait five minutes!” It is not unique to your state/region.
-People who get agitated by other people saying/not saying “pop” versus “soda”.
-People who value animals more than they value people.
-Homeless people who get bitchy when I don’t give them money.
-Homeless people with pets.
-The asshole who prevents any of us turning left because they are giving the homeless guy money.
-People using internet comments as their own soap box. Get a blog, if you are any good, people will find it.
My point is, there is no shortage of things that are wrong with the world, but I don’t see the need to be a part of an organization to bitch about each one, as if it were the #1 crisis of our time. PETA sucks because it is comprised almost entirely of over-privileged rich people who don’t have a clue what real hardship is, so they think a couple of chickens getting killed is the equivalent to the holocaust.
Things I DON’T hate:
“Keep decapitating that chicken.”
Hmmm…doesn’t quite have the same ring.
The basketball team sacrifices a couple buckets of drumsticks and thighs before their games. They might spill some grape soda, but there’s no blood.
Some of the worst animal cruelty is animal-on-animal (they’re animals after all).
PETA also suggested that they replace their leather gloves with gloves fashioned out of kevlar and the tops of human skulls.
I grew up close to this high school but went to the rich kids school the other direction. This was the farm boys high school so I’m sure they had no problem finding the chickens.