THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Hello and welcome to another thrilling rundown of the week that was in movie posters, a time to grumble and snipe about bad graphic design while procrastinating on your own uninspiring design project. Don't fight it, it's human nature. Generally speaking, The Hangover 2 continues to pump out sweet posters, and X-Men: First Class continues to make us wonder if the film is going to have star wipes between scenes and an iMovie countdown at the beginning.
The Devil's Double. I'll be honest, before I saw this poster (full-size version here), I'd never heard of The Devil's Double, I didn't know anyone had made a film about Uday Hussein's double, and I was only tangentially aware of Dominic Cooper and his ridiculously high hair. But now you have my full attention, so kudos to you, poster designer guy. You had me at "solid gold Kalashnikovs". THAT IS THE MOST BALLA SH*T EVAH, GET ME A GOLD-PLATED WHITE TIGER!
(Minor criticism: If you're going to have shell casings floating through the air, how about some muzzle flashes? Now is not the time for restraint.)
Abduction, starring Taylor Lautner. WHAT IF: Your entire life was a lie? WHAT IF: You only had one facial expression, and it resembled a llama? (Not to be confused with Drama Llama, Emo Llama, Sunglass Llama, Llama Worm, Lorenzo Llama... boy, ever done a simple image search and then discovered that you're obsessed with llamas?)
I'm impressed they left his shirt on though. I guess they figured they didn't need anymore ab scandals.
Another Earth. Or is it "Anoother Earth?" I like the second one. It makes me imagine people breaking out in song every time it's mentioned. Oh, and look at that review quote:
"Opens up the vast, still largely unexplored terrain of the human heart."
Haha, cool story, bro. I hope someone got wedgied for that. "They say most people only use ten percent of our brains. I think we only use ten percent of our hearts."
The Beaver. The Brazilian title of The Beaver is "A New Awakening", apparently. Why throw out a perfectly provocative title for a boring, generic one, you ask? Because Brazilians will not tolerate a beaver.
Cargo. "What if you were cargo?" This reminds me of the time my best friend and I got really hammered on a bus trip to Vegas and he started crawling around the luggage shelf yelling "I'M A SUITCASE!" That was a fun trip. Hey, is it just me, or is that subtly-implied anal rape on the right there? Something about hair-over-the-face combined with mouth-agape scream just reads "dry anal" to me.
Here's a bunch of Russian, country-themed posters for Cars 2. Dreamworks Face, cultural stereotypes, etc. If you study these closely, you can see that the French are amorous date rapists and the Germans are cheerful drunks. You'd think they'd get along better.
The Change-Up. In case you missed the trailer, the plot of this one is that bored family man Jason Batemen swaps bodies with womanizing bachelor Ryan Reynolds one night after they cross urine streams in a fountain. SPOILER ALERT: They both learn a valuable lesson. I guess it's a pretty good poster, even if Ryan Reynolds looks like he's about to fondle my swimsuit area. Hey, what's up with the kid on the right's diaper? Is that a white cloth diaper? Does Jason Batemen give birth to the baby Jesus in this? I don't think that'd be too far-fetched a plot twist, given what we already know about this one.
The Green Lantern. Oh boy, it's Tomar-Re. Well hello there, Dismissive Wank, I didn't even hear you come in.
The Hangover 2. I've been making fun of these posters for their frattiness, but aside from the slight photochoppiness, they're really well done. I also enjoy the implication that the monkey has stolen Ed Helms' pants.
The Hangover 2 again. Is that... a monkey poop stain?
Stuck Between Stations -- Tribeca Film Festival poster. "Sometimes the best night of your life happens at the worst possible time." Sounds interesting, I guess. It has a very "Hey, kid, you like planes?" vibe.
The Help. "White people gossip like this..."
Thor, French poster. Boy, that is a bad poster. What the F is Natalie Portman looking at? And why is her crotch glowing?
Whoa whoa whoa, just because an Italian guy is in a movie, that gives you the right to write "Wild Salami" on the poster? That's racist, bro. In related news, I just got really hungry. (*checks IMDB*) Okay, so apparently it's actually an Al Pacino production of an Oscar Wilde play.
Pacino takes us on a journey as he unravels and re-interprets Oscar Wilde's once banned and most controversial work SALOME, a scintillating tale of lust, greed and one woman's scorn.
Oh, actors. We get it, you're well-read and cultured.
X-Men: First Class. Here's an even larger, clearer version of the poster we ridiculed earlier last week. It is magnificently, breath-takingly boring.
X-Men: First Class.The same boring, photshopped poses, weird background, and dumb diagonal angle, now with a plane flying through space. Well done, guys, you totally fixed it.
Thus concludes this week's installment of This Week in Posters. Pictures source: IMPA
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So, is no one going to make a “My hair is a bird” image of that blue-skinned broad? My MS Paint skills can only do so much, guys…
Oh man I wish there was a way to do the week in posters on the frotcast! They are so funny!
The Russian-language posters on Page 6; left to right, top to bottom:
“Goodbye!” (This one is a joke, since the Russian word for “ciao” sounds a lot like their word for “tea”, so literally it’s “tea-cocoa!”)
“From Russia With Love”
“Tokyo Drift”
“French Connection”
“Spies Like Us”
“Octoberfest”
Three years of language, and that’s the first I’ve used it since graduation. Hooray for education!
I want The Help to be the most racist movie ever.
I am pretty sure Natalie Portman’s crotch glow isn’t photoshop…. at least thats how I imagine it would be.
The sassy black maids on The Help poster look like they have so much wisdom to give their rich white women betters.
THE
GODDESS
OF
LIGHT
NATALIE PORTMAN’S VAGINA
If you’re going to have
shell casings floating through the airsolid gold crotch bulge, how about somemuzzle flashesdefinition to the shaft and balls so I can finish? Now is not the time for restraint.Is anybody sure the poster for Abduction isn’t actually a Missing Person’s Flyer? Somebody should check every Twihard’s basement to make he isn’t down there with signs of forced Coconut Oil massages to his abs (or is that only what I would do?).
There are a few sweet posters around here I’d like to pump. BOOYAH! High five!
I’m pretty sure the only beaver the Brazilians mind is a hairy one
I challenge anyone to look at the Taylor Lautner poster from top to bottom and not be drowsy by the time you get to his hairline.
Adrian Brody is in Green Lantern?
Change begins with a whisper.
“Ugh huh, that white bitch thank she cute.“
…even if Ryan Reynolds looks like he’s about to fondle my swimsuit area.
You say it like it’s a bad thing.
Tomar-Re, Tomar-Re,
I’ll love ya
Tomar-Re
It’s only
A weird fish/chicken
Because Portman is giving birth to the messiah. He’s going to be where most movie geeks wish they were.
Ryan Reynolds is fully clothed, and Bradley Cooper is fully clothed?! I am disappoint.
But I do wonder if that Hangover monkey knows Annie’s Boobs. They both know Ken Jeong, so it’s possible.
The Russian name for Hangover translates to Bachelor Party. This upsets me.
I’d like to know Annie’s Boobs. I would spank that monkey so hard…
Natalie Portman’s crotch is glowing because that’s where she hides her Jew gold.
Now I’ve not seen the movie, but that poster makes me think X-Men is the perfect child of GI Joe and Team America.
Another Earth seems like the hipster version of Total Recall except less eye exploding Mars sex.
I don’t think that’s Portman’s crotch glowing, it’s Thor’s. He is the god of thunder, after all . . . the thunder down under his pants . . . y’know, his junk . . . ugh, nevermind, this post is getting us nowhere, I’m going to bed.
Taylor Lautner: Putting the ‘Ab’ in ‘Abduction.’
For those you who can’t eye the beautiful Cyrillic on monkey poshter, here is different words:
Boner Czar Todd Phillips
Morningtime 2
3 Beefcakes for Bangkok
Tentatively Meat in Bangkok FOR TWO HOURS
Is the main mutant power in X-Men: First Class grossly oversized heads?
That dry anal theory isn’t helped much by the smug Michael Shannon looking dude right over her shoulder.
Has anyone actually called the First Class poster dept to tell them how bad they are doing? Maybe they don’t know how to use computers and have never seen the internet. Looks like a magazine and scissor job to me.
that is an EPIC crotch bulge/shot. No homo.
“opens up the vast, unexplored terrain of the human heart”
really!? cuz I thought they’d milked that bitch to death