Comments of the Week and Hate Mail
04.11.11
Get excited, folks. Hobo with a Shotgun (which I quite enjoyed) is now available on VOD, iTunes, Amazon.com, VUDU, Xbox Marketplace, and hits theaters May 6th. In honor of the release, I’ve been deputized to give this week’s Comments of the Week winner a prize pack which includes a poster signed by Rutger Hauer, Hobo with a Shotgun beer cozies, and a couple Hobo with a Shotgun beanies (note to the winner: please please please give your beanies to actual hobos and then send the pictures to me).
In more site-related news, I’ve added a new section to CotW called “hate mail.” Now you’ll be able to see all the hateful things directed at me every week, all in one place. Yay, the internet! It’s a little sparse this week, but I’m sure it will pick up.
Now then. The winner. It was a tough choice this week, but I chose based on which comment I most wished I had said in the post. From A Dolphin’s Tale looks incredible on every level:
Chareth Cutestory says: “Shooting my way through the Khyber Pass on my fourth tour, I shoulder-rolled onto an IED to save the entire squad.”
“I see. Well this inspiring dolphin got tangled in a rope.”
Nicely done. So send me your address, Chareth. The rest of you can join us after the jump for the Honorable Mentions. And as always, please use the comments section below as a place to nominate your favorite comments throughout the week. It helps me keep track of them.
A close second, Dingle Berry in The Hangover 2 trailer pulled because the MPAA hates monkey BJs:
Dingle Berry says It’s not without precedent. The original trailer for “Dunston Checks In” was pulled because of monkey salad tossing, monkey reacharounds, and a 40 second scene in which the monkey shat on Jason Alexander’s chest while wearing a pirate’s hat and playing a harmonica.
I was really expecting more Monkey Fufu jokes, but I do enjoy a nice slice of absurdity as much as the next alarm clock.
From Vanilla Ice is playing Captain Hook in a Peter Pan mime show or something:
DeFrank says: I’m anonymously sending Suge Knight balcony seats as we speak.
Nice reference. From Phil Collins’ daughter cast in Snow White reboot:
ChinoMoreno says: I can’t wait for the lesbian scene where Snow White eats Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter.
From the new Wyatt Earp/Doc Holliday sounds like the most idiotic thing ever:
Moose says:
Hollywood Gang dipsh*ts: “Who can we get to direct this?”
Ratner: “Ah’m yoah dingleberry.”
Yes, that about sums it up. I chose this next one not necessarily because it was funny, but on the off chance that it was actually written by Rutger Hauer. From Rutger Hauer whips out a shotgun at Sundance (yes, this post is three months old):
Dontshowmeyourgundickheadbutyourflipcam says: If this is not absolutely fabulous i don t know funny.You guys are killer maDness.Thank you.HopetownhuGZ.Rutger Hauer
So does Rutger Hauer really use phrases like “killer madness” and spell “hugs” with a Z? I’d like to think so. He is a great man.
From Weekend Movie Guide, with the inspiring story of a shark attack:
Stinky Peet says: Did Bethany ever figure out why that shark attacked her or is she still stumped?
Stinky Peet says: I don’t think Bethany was too thrilled with the finished film either, she only gave it one thumb up.
Moose2000 says: @Stinky; you have won this thread; hand down.
From Lars Von Trier’s new film will be depressing and weird:
Crapbasket says: Dogme and mumblecore f-cked and their kid was so hipster it actually used the word ironic properly.
From Hesher has a new trailer cut by the director:
PetePete says: I like the recurring theme of jumping into the pool in metal ways, it reminds me of being a kid.
From Roland Emmerich made a Shakespeare movie:
The Hammer says: PLAYS WERE SO F-CKING IMPORTANT WE SHOT CANNONS…. for some reason… i don’t know.
Dude… were you a consultant?
From Tyler Perry’s latest sounds like his Tyler Perriest yet:
Jack Burton says: There are also only two types of black men. Rich, incredibly handsome and out of touch, or ghetto with no manners. And neither of them appreciates a strong black woman. Oh…and Madea has a gun and yells a lot. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Tyler, will you EVER get tired of making the same movie over and over again?
And finally, from This Bawston Cawmpilation is Bettah Than Those Othah Queah Ones:
Mo Charlo says: Matt Damon cries the manliest of teahs. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
I try to stay away from “NO ONE DENIES THIS” to keep from stepping on Big Daddy Drew’s Tommy from Quinzee, but that was nicely done.
AND NOW, HERE’S OUR NEW SEGMENT, THIS WEEK IN HATE MAIL:
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Now you’ll be able to see all the hateful things directed at me every week, all in one place.
On less there’s a bukkake vid on the next page, I somehow doubt that.
On less? Hee hee hee, I need to get some sleep. Or a drink. Or both. Or two drinks. Yes, that’s it.
I wonder if Bramin wasn’t trying to write some kind of Onion-esque news parody, but failed by being not funny and not sane.
Although those are some impressive run-on sentences.
Mentioned honorably… fire a cannon.
If an America exists where I can’t spread peanut butter on my testicles without fear of persecution, then I don’t want to live in it. I mean, it was MY dog.
My assessment is that we are only a few years of from “Free Hat” campaign.s
They don’t really seem like hate mail Vince, just dull criticisms. Now, once the residents of The Scheme find out about you, then you’ll get hate mail: “YA AMERICAN FANNY, WE’RE GUNNY DO YOU YA CUNT” – Translation – you American woman’s private parts, we are going to beat you up.
I hope to synthesize COTW and hate mail.
“SIR!,
Your continuing refusal to recognize my unfunny comments bespeaks both intellectual and penile inadequacy on your part. Consider yourself hoisted on my petard.
*IN*sincerely yours,
Poison Pen”
P.S. Armond White is never high. The postcolonial unrepresentative hypocracy keeps him down.
To be fair though, Your Highness did suck. The first hour had 1 joke. Danny McBride says “fuck!” Get it?! Get it!??!!?!?! Oh, you probably don’t get it.
You know, the new section actually takes all the fun out of being hateful to Vince.
Just kidding. Fuck you, Vince!
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
ChinoMoreno says:
The email idea is a great one. Thanks Maddox!
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
The Hammer says:
wait how does distance running help you rob banks? do the police not have cars?
Whoops, that Armond White comment was intended as a compliment to your ability to reflect on the nuances of human nature whilst discussing a movie containing an ass-raping minotaur. The juxtaposition of your appreciation for societally deemed ‘low brow’ humor and the somehow congruous use of the phrase ‘florid, faux-medieval verbosity and blunt vulgarisms’ led me to draw the comparison between yourself and the much vaunted, grandiloquent stylings of Armond White after taking the movie’s title as instruction.
Honestly, you had me at ‘fish wizard handjobs’.
Goddammit. So close. Can I at least have a t-shirt since you spelled my name wrong?
*cries*
My inclusion into the “hate mail” segment (They really do love me!) for a “fugitive” joke, brings a tear of pride to my eye, that rolls sweetly down my cheek and drops off my chin and after a brief decent falls and disperses on my stainless steel (316) erection.
I would like to thank The Academy, my three wives, and most of all… you Vince. Vince you are the wind that airs out my balls. You are the greatest of motivators…. for a wide stance.
Thank You Vince!
You’ve set a new bar with this feature, sir. For now we will all edeavor to win both Comment of the Week AND make the hatemail page, with a single post!
My life has meaning.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
NothingProductive: This comes as a spitty gagging blow to the porn industry (pun, indubitably, intended, sirs, good day).
The Hammer says: I wonder who will fill the gaping hole she leaves behind in the porn industry.
Deux Deux Deux says: Better than her original draft.
Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got, being on Entourage and all. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest anal whore on the face of this earth. Strangers have been in me for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans. And syphilis from Ron Jeremy.
Ah, well. I’ll always have the illegal downloads of the 20,000 movies she’s done. Farewell, you titan of buttfucking.
Second Deux Deux Deux.
“Titan of buttfucking” made me feel all warm and gooey
in my pantsinside.[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Jacktion! says:
*reads jizz fog, picks up phone*
“Hello, Vivid? I have an idea for a movie called Cream Lantern!”
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Ragnarok says:
…Didn’t you wear that shirt on The Grid?
DON’T YOU DARE HIDE THIS IN HATE MAIL MANICOTTI
woops it’s this link
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Homo Erectus out-methed me with:
Lindsay is a big practitioner of Meth-head Acting.
It’s funny ’cause it’s true!
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Jacktion! says:
Just like breakfast, it sucks without Bacon.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Deux Deux Deux says:
I’d like to mashup this work with Hobo With A Shotgun. However, since my video editing skills are amateurish at best, I’m sending a hobo with a shotgun directly to each filmmaker.
God dammit, this post from the irritatingly named M’balzEsHari made me LOL (on the Lindsay Lohan post):
By the way, if you missed the season premier of River Monsters on Sunday, Jeremy Wade caught the thing in the pink shirt.
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Deux Deux Deux
People once believed that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul can’t rest. Then sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right.
That son of a bitch stole my sharktooth necklace, and I WILL NOT REST!
Chino Magneto FTMFW.
The fact that this hasn’t been nommed yet makes me a sad spazzy…
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Moose says:
Why doesn’t Ghostface just use a gun like all the other rappers?
The fact that this blah blah makes me yeah yeah yeah…
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Oski says:
The first rule of Robot Fight Club is: 01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101100 01101011 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01010010 01101111 01100010 01101111 01110100 00100000 01000110 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01000011 01101100 01110101 01100010 00101110
The 2nd rule of Robot Fight Club is: 01001000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01100001 00101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100001
Bout fucking time someone starting amping up the hate comments.
Proteon says: So we disprove of all the Hollywood remakes and we disprove of films with ridiculous premises. Can we please save whats left of the time we have and just invent a single plotline we can mentally handle and emotionally be seen approving of?
Thanks in advance.
Is there a way to super-uber-ultra nominate someone for CotW? If there is, can we just assume I am doing that?
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]
Chareth Cutestory says:
If Cameron can’t sell to the Chinese a film about tentacle braid-banging collectivists overthrowing the invading capitalist white men, then he should just retire to his caviar-powered flying submarine.
Wrong week, ing of Bro…
[filmdrunk.uproxx.com]