Few projects have people of my generation crying foul faster than the Len Wiseman (Live Free or Die Hard) remake of Total Recall starring Colin Farrell. But the truth is, we’re getting older and the sooner we get used to being overrun by these Bieber-obsessed autotune toddlers from the Disney Channel, the easier it will be. Another disturbing fact: if Total Recall (1990) was a person, it’d be old enough to drink legally (!!!).
Anyway, today’s news is that Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad will be playing the bad guy in the remake (Yay!), but that’s not the weird part:
The original 1990 movie was based on a Philip K. Dick story, “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.” The film followed a man haunted by a recurring dream of journeying to Mars who buys a literal dream vacation from a company called Rekall Inc., which sells implanted memories. The man comes to believe he is a secret agent and ends up on a Martian colony, where he fights to overthrow a despotic ruler controlling the production of air.
The new story involves nation states Euromerica and New Shanghai, with Douglas Quaid (Farrell) a factory worker in the latter who begins to believe he is a spy, although he doesn’t know for which side. Cranston would play Vilos Cohaagen, the leader of Euromerica who, under the cover of protecting his people, is secretly readying an invasion of New Shanghai. [THR]
Wait, so instead of being set on a Martian colony with freaky-looking aliens…
…it’s just going to have… Chinese people? How is that interesting for me, I live in San Francisco. And there’s no super-jacked hero for me to emulate? What am I supposed to now, grow bushier eyebrows? This whole thing just sucks.
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Fun fact: Fucked-up face dude from the Total Recall picture is Hank on Breaking Bad. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHM.
If Total Recall were a person, it would have been giving me highly inappropriate boners for two decades.
This article neglects to answer the most fundamental question: Will there be triple-breasted whores?
Can’t wait to see three titties in 3D.
Let the 3DD jokes begin.
New Shanghai, eh…..
“COHAAGEN!!! GEEF DESE PEEPUR AAAALLE!!!!”
Did I ever tell y’all about the time I stood right next to Colin Farrell on the street for a whole minute without realizing that it was Colin Farrell? And that I never would’ve realized it was him, if a total stranger in a coffee shop across the street hadn’t pointed it out?
Cool story, Boots!
I’d like to suggest giving the three boobed woman a fourth boob. Bonus points for a two-on-the-front and two-on-the-back combo.
@Mort. Mind blown.
First Conan, now Total Recall… remake of Junior, I eagerly await your announcement.
Get yoh ahhs to New Shong-hi…Get yoh ahhs to New Shong-hi…Get yoh ahhs to New Shong-hi…
I suppose Euromerica and New Shanghai could be nation states on Mars.
Right?
“Man, I gots 1 kids ta feed…no daughters!”
I think changing the setting from the book is a real Dick move.
…remembers where the corner is…
No points for naming the Paul Blart Presents version of this.
Toto Recar!
“Man, I gots 1 kids ta feed…no daughters!”
HEY BENNY! SCLEW YOU!
I wonder if when the Chinese decompress their eyes just look human like ours…
…aaaaand I’ll prolly see it.
@Morton: awesome link, dude.
“Euromerica”? Are you fucking serious? Cue the slow wank .gif
Vince Vince Vince… those are MUTANTS not ALIENS. Yes, there are alien artifacts located inside the Pyramid Mines on Mars, but those vagina-faced people in those pictures are mutants. These mutations were brought about when Cohaagen, the evil dictator-like ruler of Mars, built cheap domes which filter the light and air poorly.
If the Japanese radioactive clouds keep blowing the way they are, New Shanghai should be stocked with a healthy selection of triple-breasted whores in the future.
…And in the remake Toto Recall, a small dog haunted by recurring dreams of a chickenshit lion goes on a dream vacation to anywhere but Kansas. The dog yanks a curtain off of a giant wizard’s Quatto and a rusty toaster gets a heart transplant.
I predict that entire theatrical run of this movie will be two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks……
If they were born on Mars, they’d still be aliens. Mutant human aliens.